The Best Part of Me
by doolittledarvey
Summary: Set during an alternate Season Six (post 5.16). There's a new "situation" to take care of at Pearson Specter Litt! A game changer NINE MONTHS in the making, which is going to turn everyone's already tumultuous world upside down. All character involvement. #Darvey (as always). Multi-chapter (because I love a good long yarn!) :)
1. Chapter 1 - The Situation

The Best Part of Me

Chapter 1 – The Situation

Rachel sighed as she scoured the aisles of the pharmacist's store.

It had been a month since Mike went to prison and if anybody had told her she'd be here, in her lunch break, shopping for … Jesus Christ, what a mess! A huge, ridiculous, unbelievably stupid mess.

She didn't know which one to buy. Digital? Early prediction? One kit in bright pink packaging proclaimed it would give you a result "Six days sooner". Six days sooner than what? Did she need that one? 'Sounds efficient,' she thought as she picked up the box and read the label. '99% accurate – can't get any better than that, I suppose.' The next kit she picked up was also pink. 'Why are they all pink?' This one contained twenty strips. 'Wait … there's a difference between a strip and a stick?' She popped it straight back down. She didn't know what a strip entailed, or why you'd need twenty of them, so that product seemed a whole lot more complicated. Complications on top of the already existing complications were not desirable.

All her years as a researcher were put to good use as she weighed up the pros and cons of each product, then she chastised herself. 'What the hell did it matter?' Pink stick or pink strip or … Ooh the next one looked promising. The box was blue which was instantly more calming and it said it was the 'easiest to use' in bold white writing. Not knowing what the hell she was doing anyway, she picked up two boxes of the blue one. 'Easy sounds good!' she decided as she marched to the counter to pay, slightly embarrassed at what she was buying, then popped them in her bag and made her way back to the office.

X X X

All the way back, Rachel felt like she was living someone else's life. What she was doing was so weird, and by god it was going to be a game changer! They were just getting somewhere with rebuilding the firm and now this? It was the last thing they needed and, if the little square blank window on the … the stick, was it? … changed to a plus sign this afternoon then everybody's world was going to turn upside down.

Jessica would be pissed.

Since Mike left, Jessica had taken her under her wing. Not least because Rachel's dad, the great Robert Zane, was still as mad as hell that she had been complicit in Mike's fraud. But then Jessica had … almost … lost everything. She was fighting like a tiger, her teeth bared against anyone who got in her way, and she was somehow managing to keep everything together. They'd already had successes. All of them had worked long days and often into the night. They'd won back cases and they'd charmed back staff. There was still so much to do. The bank was a problem, the sword of Damocles permanently hanging over their heads as Jessica, Harvey and Louis negotiated deal after deal with, as Jessica called her, the 'Rott-vile-er Bank Manager,' but they'd done it. Pearson Specter Litt was still ticking over.

Throwing this 'situation' into the mix was going to throw a gigantic spanner into the works.

Well, that was if the plus sign appeared in the window.

She thought of Mike as she entered the building and took the elevator up to the 50th floor. 'He wouldn't be as worried about this if he were here,' she thought as a huge smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. She'd seen him every week since he left and he was doing great. Well as great as could be expected. She missed him terribly. Her big brown eyes glazed over as images of Mike making jokes and deliberately causing mischief over the 'situation' – the situation the plus sign would unfold. He'd be thrilled about it. She knew he would, but he'd have his fun too.

When the elevator doors opened she walked nervously out of the lift and back to her office. She'd try to eat something before her scheduled 1.00pm meeting in the bathroom with Donna. So far it was a secret only they knew and it felt strange to think that they may have to ultimately share it with the world.

She plonked her bag down on her desk and she opened her top drawer. She'd bought a falafel and cream cheese wrap on her way to work first thing, but as she started to nibble the corners of the sandwich her stomach lurched. It was the cream cheese. Why? Why the hell had some idiot thought that it would work with falafel? Urgh! She couldn't not eat anything as it would probably be another late evening for her workwise and she wouldn't last till 8.00pm or 9.00pm. Rachel was a foodie! Lunch was the highlight of her day, everyone knew that! So she opted to dissect the sandwich, scraping out the offending cream cheese with a ruler and plopping it into the bin.

She'd eaten three bites of sandwich when Harvey barged through her door carrying a brown box of files. She felt her stomach sink as she hoped they didn't contain more work. She was up to her eyes in paperwork that would last to the middle of next week.

"You busy?" he asked her.

'Can't you see the huge sandwich in my mouth?' she thought as she motioned him to wait until she finished chewing. He was looking at her quizzically, as she tried to hurry up. "What?" she said, arching an eyebrow at his impatient demeanour. "I need to eat!"

"That looks disgusting." He twisted his nose into a knot with his brow.

Rachel swallowed. She could still taste the cream cheese. "It is," she muttered in defeat, tossing the sandwich to one side.

"Ok then I need you to do something for me. I won a new client yesterday – Smith and Westland – they're called …"

"Sounds like they make guns … or hot dogs."

"Baby food."

'Oh the irony,' thought Rachel.

"What?" asked Harvey catching her eye roll.

"Nothing. Carry on."

Harvey was confused. It wasn't unusual for him. He let it go. "Okay, well the company is in the shit and they need to make redundancies. I need you to go over their employee contracts and draw up a list of possible costs involved."

"How many staff?"

"Well, they've pinpointed seventy-six possible staff members." It was a lot. Harvey told her as if it was nothing.

"Seventy-six!" Her dark brown eyes almost popped out of her head, "Harvey that will take hours and I already have a mountain of cases to get through."

"I know. Sorry. I … why don't you get Donna to help you? I'd start it myself but I have meeting after meeting right up until 6.00pm and … well I'll come fine you when I get back and see how far you've gotten."

He plopped the box of files down on her desk.

And then the speed of the world turning slowed down as the box tipped over her bag …

'Fuck!' she screamed in her mind as she scrambled, but it was too late. Her bag fell to the floor and two blue boxes sprung out, landing at Harvey's feet.

'Had he seen?'

'Of course he had!'

Without saying a word she picked up the boxes and the rest of her bag's contents and stuffed them all back inside. It was as if her dad was standing over her. Her face flushed red and she started to sweat, her growling, hungry tummy flipping over with nerves … and stress … and … 'shit!'.

"Sorry … I … erm," said Harvey in shock.

'Of all the shitty luck.' She sat back down. Her face was burning hot and she fumbled with the file box, her bag, the one half of a sandwich … anything to avoid …

"I'll … uhm … better get going." He backed out of her office, thudding his backside against the still open door. He jumped in shock.

Although Harvey's awkwardness was hilarious, Rachel couldn't laugh. She was gutted. She watched him retreat and she sighed as if she had the weight of the world on her shoulders.

She checked her watch. 12.55pm. Time to get going.

She picked up her bag and straightened her skirt.

She did have the weight of the world on her shoulders.

X X X

Rachel entered the 50th floor bathrooms at 1.00pm prompt. Donna was already there, pacing the floor, her monochrome patterned dress shining under the bright halogen lights.

Rachel let the door close behind her with a bang and Donna snapped around, slightly startled, her arm shooting to her chest. "Jesus, you scared me," she said, holding on to the toilet cubicle wall.

"Are we alone?"

"Yep, did you get it?"

Rachel nodded. Her face was still flushed and hot. "Slight problem."

"What?" Donna as she walked towards her, ducking her head around to the door, making sure nobody was going to appear behind them.

"Harvey came into the office, dropped a box onto my desk, knocked my bag over and the … the tests fell out."

Donna's eyes grew large and almost popped out of her head. "What the hell?"

"I know, I'm sorry … I …"

"Did he know what they were?" asked Donna.

"I … I … think so," stammered Rachel.

"Holy shit, Rach!"

"I know, I know, I … there was nothing I could have done. It all happened in slow motion … and …"

Donna put her hand on her hip, her foot tapping nervously on the floor. "Right, well what's done is done. Just pass me the stuff."

Rachel passed one of the boxes to Donna. "It said on the box it was the easiest to use." She watched her friend scan read the back of the kit contents.

"Right. Three sticks, so we get three chances."

"I bought another box too."

Donna looked at her as if she was mad. "You're keen," she said, flipping her hair as she ripped open the box and removed the tests, opening the cellophane with her teeth. Then, holding up the box in one hand and the test in the other she took a deep breath and smiled knowingly at Rachel.

"You pee on it and then you wait five minutes."

Rachel nodded. "This is huge." Her eyes glassed over as she reflected upon the life-changing 'situation' they were facing.

Donna twisted her nose to stop her own tears from falling. "Tell me about it." Her anxious smile told Rachel that the magnitude of the situation wasn't lost on her either.

Rachel came closer to her best friend and rubbed her arm gently. "So … are we doing this?"

Donna nodded. "That's why we're here." She gestured towards the nearest stall and held the door open. Then she stopped.

"You do realise Harvey will think the pregnancy tests were for you," she said to Rachel.

"Yeah, I know. We'll just have to cross that bridge when we come to it." Rachel smiled at Donna, her eyes trying in vain to tell her it would all be okay – whatever happened in the next few minutes. "Good luck."

Donna inhaled the deepest breath she could muster and entered the stall, bolting the door behind her.

X X X

Rachel paced the room anxiously, tip-toeing to the bathroom door every thirty seconds to make sure nobody was coming. They were lucky so far. Donna was taking ages and she wanted to check on her, but also didn't want to interrupt. She could imagine how Donna was feeling. If she were in the same position, she'd be absolutely terrified.

After her sixth check of the door and the hall outside she shuffled back into the bathroom. How many hours had she and Donna spent in this bathroom over the years? Discussing their lives, talking about Mike or Harvey, fighting occasionally, crying often … this space was there's. It belonged to them. The clinical grey walls bearing witness to every private word they'd spoken. It seemed entirely fitting that they were in that bathroom to find out if the 'situation,' was indeed going to become the situation Donna had feared. She grimaced as she recalled Donna coming into her office two days ago. She had been lost for words which was the absolute sure-fire way you knew something was up with Donna. Her friend – her bright, sassy, lively best friend was never lost for words.

Her mind snapped back to reality as she heard shuffling from inside the cubicle and her stomach sank as the moment she'd been waiting for came hurtling towards her like a runaway train. "Donna," she called softly from outside the toilet stall, tapping lightly on the door. "Are you done?"

She heard a sniff and a clip-clop of high heels from inside. 'Christ she's building up the suspense,' she thought as she finally heard the toilet flush and the bolt unlock.

She knew immediately.

Donna's face was white, all the colour drained from it making her hundreds of freckles even more prominent. Her eyes were blank, as Rachel searched them for confirmation. Anxiety, stress, worry for the future were all etched into Donna's expression as she slowly nodded her head. "I pee'd on all three," she said, as if the fact she'd managed to do that was an achievement in itself.

"And … all three?"

Donna nodded. Then her face crumpled. Then the tears came.

"Hey, shhh, it'll be fine," said Rachel unconvincingly. There were so many 'what the fucks' with this 'situation' that she didn't know where to start trying to process them. 'Did Donna even like babies?'

Donna reclaimed the three test sticks from the toilet cistern, showing Rachel the big, bold '+' signs displayed on all of them. "Do you think I should do the other box?" Tears slid down her cheeks and gathered in a pool on the neckline of her dress.

"I don't think so," said Rachel gently. "These things are pretty accurate."

"What do I do with them?"

"Just put them in your bag," said Rachel as she gathered up Donna's tan leather tote and stuffed the tests inside.

Donna walked over to the sink and washed her hands, splashing cold water on her face. "Holy shit!" she exclaimed as she looked at her own reflection in the mirrors. "What am I going to do?"

Rachel came up behind her and placed her hand on her friend's back. "You don't have to think about it today. Take some time. Why don't you go home?"

Donna shook her head and reached for a paper towel. "No, I couldn't. People will know something's up. Donna is never sick and Donna never goes home early."

"But … do you think you'll be ok to …"

"I'll be fine. Shit. I think I'll be fine. Christ I can't even … how the hell did this happen?"

"You need me to tell you that?" Rachel let out a giggle and Donna looked at her with raised eyebrows. Rachel gulped. "Too soon?" she stated, knowing the answer.

She watched as Donna fluffed her hair and straightened her dress. Then she leaned forward and did her best to remove the streaks of wet mascara from under her eyes. "Do I pass?"

"You look fine," said Rachel.

"Not blooming at all?"

"Absolutely not blooming. Never blooming."

"Good, then back to work. I'll think about this later."

"You know what?" asked Rachel as she came up with an idea. "Harvey's just landed a mountain of paperwork on me. Why don't you come help? We could do it in his office … much better than you sitting at your desk … on your own … mulling …"

Donna thought for a moment, trying to recall her own workload. "Fine, yeah. What I have on can wait, I guess."

"Great, I really could do with the help actually." They both picked up their bags and moved towards the door. "I have never been so busy."

Before they left, their last chance of being truly, clandestinely alone, Rachel turned to Donna. "Do you know what you're going to say … to …?"

"To whom?"

"To Mitchell … oh god, and then to Harvey."

Donna's brow creased and she shook her head. "No idea." She sighed as she took hold of the handle and swung the door open. "But I have nine months to work it out."


	2. Chapter 2 - The Stupid Time

THE BEST PART OF ME

Chapter 2 – The Stupid Time

Of course Donna knew when she'd told Rachel that she'd help her with her workload and think about the 'situation' she was in later, that it would be impossible.

Donna was led by intuition and she was the master at sensing other's feelings. She could tell what someone was thinking just by looking at them, or analysing their appearance or, in Harvey's case, the position of his tie. But with herself it was different. She was always in control of her feelings. Always.

Except now she wasn't.

Her thoughts were spiralling out of control and she felt panicked. She always lived in the present, but today she was having to think about the future. And the future was terrifying her.

Except for just one thing. The baby. Something to show for her forty plus years on the planet. Something important that would be hers. A purpose. When she dared to let herself think about that, rather than the mess surrounding it, she felt happy. Or was she? She thought she was, but she couldn't be sure. It would be different if it weren't such a mess. It would be different if she were happily married and living in a brownstone townhouse with a walled garden. *sigh*. Her mind was wandering, but she couldn't stop the thoughts popping up like puppets in a puppet show.

Rachel had brought all of the Smith and Westland files through to Harvey's office and the pair of them sat at his table. Harvey wouldn't be back until after six, so they had the entire afternoon to work away at his caseload, removed from the hustle and bustle of the office. Rachel had blasted through three files within 20 minutes, while Donna? Well Donna was chewing on her pencil, deep indents scratched into the red paint. Why the hell was she even using a pencil? That was going to look shit on a professional document.

"Donna, how are you getting on?" Rachel asked, breaking her friend's deep concentration. She was picking away at the pink eraser tip of the pencil now, casting tiny shavings of rubber onto the pristine glass table.

"Hmm?" Donna's trance broke and she looked at the mess in front of her, comparing it with Rachel's neatly stacked pile of papers. She frowned. "I'm sorry, I guess I can't do this."

"Wanna talk about it?"

"Not really."

"Well you can't just sit there demolishing Harvey's stationery."

"I know, I'm sorry." She wafted the pink pieces of eraser onto the floor.

"Donna, it's okay, really. You've had a big … huge life-changing shock this afternoon. Are you sure you don't just want to go home? Or why don't you go and speak to Mitchell?"

Donna reclined back in the chair and let out the longest sigh Rachel had ever heard. It was so long Rachel was willing her to breathe. "I broke up with Mitchell," she said finally.

"You did? Donna you didn't say …"

"I know. It wasn't a big thing. To be truthful I wasn't all that bothered."

"Did you break it off, or did he?"

Donna turned to look at Rachel, her dark brown eyes were insistent, yet concerned at the same time. Like a mom. Or a sister. She thought of Rachel as a sister. She was better than a sister. They 'got' each other so well. "He broke it off," she said, her face crushed with resolve. "We had been fighting for weeks. Well on and off for weeks as Mitch worked away so much with the theatre. That was the funny thing. I didn't know where he was from one day to the next because of his theatre group, but he took offence at my spending so much time here. Selfish prick!"

"Was this about time spent with Harvey again?" Rachel knew Donna had a history of losing boyfriends through her boss. Nobody understood Donna and Harvey's relationship. Nobody. Hell, Donna and Harvey didn't understand the strength of their need for each other, so how were their lovers going to process it?

"Yeah, it was just before Mike … during the trial." She was trying not to bring Mike into the conversation. She didn't want Rachel to think her fiancé had anything to do with Mitchell leaving her. "I tried to explain to him how things were with us all, but nobody … well nobody has ever understood how we're like family, have they? I got really pissed off with him for not understanding and … well … that's the way it always ends."

"I wish you'd told me Donna," soothed Rachel as she brought her chair closer to her friend, placing one hand on her arm. For Rachel the romantic notion of Donna having a complete family for her baby was smashed to pieces and she couldn't disguise the sadness she felt for her.

"I've already said I don't care." Donna replied more emphatically now as she didn't want any sympathy over the break-up. "I wasn't bothered then and I'm sure-as-hell not bothered now. He was so kind and funny to begin with, but after a while he grated on me. There was something missing … he wasn't …" Her train of thought broke off as she mentally compared him to Harvey. Her Harvey. "Anyway, it doesn't matter."

"Donna it does matter if you're …" She tucked her head into the space between them so she could whisper. The gesture was pointless. They were alone and nobody could hear them. "If you're … going to have his baby."

Donna's eyes flashed with surprise. Mitchell's baby? She closed her eyes and mentally added up the dates, prodding her fingers under the table as she counted off the windows in an imaginary calendar in her mind. It wasn't the first time she'd done the math. It was worth considering … again … because if she got any of this wrong it would be disastrous.

"What is it?" asked Rachel. "He wasn't married or anything, was he?"

Donna smiled widely at the thought. "No," she said. "What do you take me for?" Jesus, Mitchell was so high maintenance she'd been over the goddamn moon when he'd dumped her. By text. At 2.00am (the dick!). It had saved her the trouble of doing it herself. If he'd been married she'd have sent him back to his wife in no time.

"Then what is it?" said Rachel. "I'm sure he'll be fine if you tell him, you know. I mean, it's not the twenties, or the fifties, or whatever decade made … you know … men discard fallen women."

"Fallen women?" repeated Donna, her eyes shooting a 'wtf' in Rachel's direction. "Seriously?"

Rachel dismissed her choice of words with a giggle. "I'm just saying, he'll do right by you, won't he? You don't have to be worried about telling him."

Donna squinted again. She was having a pointless conversation. So pointless that she had resumed chewing on the pencil. She didn't feel ready for an interrogation once the Mitchell question was all sewn up and out of the way, but what choice did she have now?

"Rachel, I haven't seen Mitch for six weeks," she said firmly, but softly.

"That's okay. It doesn't matter, he'll still want to see you and …"

Donna was exasperated. "Rachel, do I need to spell it out," she said, interrupting her friend sharply. "I haven't seen Mitch for six weeks and I haven't been 'with' him in the … you know … sense for even longer than that.

"Yeah, I heard you."

"So?" Donna's eyes grew wide as she waited for the penny to drop.

Suddenly, Rachel flopped back in her chair, exhaling as if she'd had the wind knocked out of her. "Shit," she gasped. "He's not the father is he?"

Donna shook her head. She knew her maths was correct. She'd been with Mitchell, what? Seven maybe eight weeks ago. She was a week late. She'd had a period in between those dates.

"Oh my god!" Rachel pulled her hair back from her face, her mouth wide open in surprise. This was huge, but now it was even huger. "Oh my god, Donna. What? Who?"

Donna leant forward on the table, her elbows hitting it with a thud as she put her head in her hands. She'd have to tell. "Oh god," she muttered, "of all the stupid, fucking stupid …"

"Donna, it'll be okay, just tell me."

"No it won't be okay." Her face was hidden beneath a curtain of orange hair as she kept her head down. She half-wished her friend would give up and leave her alone, but she knew she wouldn't.

Rachel waited patiently for Donna to pull her thoughts together. The wait was killing her. She was desperate to know what the hell had happened. How had her always sensible and 'together' friend got herself in such a godawful mess?

Finally Donna sat back up, tossing her hair back around her shoulders. "Right, okay, I'm going to tell you, but you have to promise me …"

"I promise," said Rachel eagerly.

"You haven't heard what I was going to ask."

"I know, I know, but whatever it is I promise." Rachel spoke so quickly that her voice squeaked. She was desperate for Donna to tell her the story.

Donna breathed out of the corner of her mouth, her eyes telling Rachel she needed to calm the excitement down. This wasn't Christmas morning and this revelation was no Santa coming down the chimney. It was more like a herd of elephants crapping on the carpet. "I need you to promise you will leave me to deal with this in my own time, no badgering me or asking me questions or telling me what to do because I need to get my head straight first. I know you want to help, but … shit … Rach, I don't know what I'm going to do so just …"

"Donna, it's okay, I get it. I'll keep out of it, I swear. I'll offer help and advice and anything else only if you ask me for it."

"And you won't pressure me to do anything until I'm ready?"

"Absolutely. I promise."

Donna squinted at her. 'Yep, wait until you hear,' she thought to herself, knowing that Rachel was probably going to have more to say further down the line than she could promise right now.

"So …?" said Rachel as she shuffled her chair up as close to Donna as she could, waiting with baited breath for her to begin.

"It happened the night Mike went to prison. Jessica, Louis and I came back here straight away, Harvey came back later, after he'd checked you were okay, remember? We all talked, I think we were here all night …" She trailed off. Her mind filled with dread as she recalled that awful day. They'd never been so down, yet somehow after they had all talked, it had turned full circle. All four of them fired each other up to continue. They had so much fight. She looked at Rachel who was watching her, waiting for her to continue as if her life depended on it. She felt so stupid and she was surprised that this was so hard for her to reveal. She decided to just blurt it out as fast as she could and get it over with. "We all drank and we all got high."

"What? You, Harvey, Jessica … and Louis?"

"Yep. It was a good night actually. You should have seen Louis stoned, oh my word … he was rolling around on Jessica's carpet miaow-ing. He channelled his dead cat and then he fell asleep. On the floor. We left him there all night."

Rachel burst into laughter, covering her mouth as she imagined the scene. "Oh my god, you should have video-d it. I would pay good money to see that!"

Donna laughed then abruptly stopped, her eyes vacant as the happy memories of that night were slammed out of her mind by the 'oh shit' memories.

Rachel's giggles subsided and she noticed Donna's expression had changed. "And …?" She composed herself, resting her head on her arm, waiting for Donna to continue.

"I can't even remember how it happened. We were drunk and stoned and we talked about my persuading him not to turn himself in and that I'd said I didn't want to lose him … and then …"

Wham! Rachel got it. The magnitude of the mess increased a hundred fold as she realised. It had been huge before. Now it was universe-huge. No, infinity-huge. "Harvey?" She put her hand over her mouth instinctively as she gasped. It was a name and a question. In one. But she already knew the answer.

"Yes."

"Shit."

"Unless … I'm more pregnant than I think and …"

"Donna, you're not more pregnant than you think, are you?"

Donna sighed, tears forming in her eyes. "No, I'm not. Harvey is the father."

Rachel didn't know what to say. This had been some afternoon! She thought back to buying the pregnancy tests in her lunch break. She'd allowed herself to imagine Donna being pregnant and couldn't help herself think about Mike teasing her. They were like brother and sister the way they used to look out for each other, yet rib each other mercilessly. Donna was terrible for teasing, but Mike had learned to give it back just as good. What the hell was he going to make of this?

"Have you spoken about that night?" Rachel wondered how on earth she didn't have even the slightest inkling that this had happened.

"Not really. We were both quite embarrassed and we put it down to the drink … and the pot. Then we just had so much work to get through and we had to concentrate on that. I know Harvey hates talking about his feelings so … well, it was … let's just say it was a bit wild and … impromptu anyway."

"Impromptu?" said Rachel with a little laugh, "that's one way of describing it."

Donna wasn't seeing the funny side. "Rachel, if you don't mind, I don't think I want to talk about this anymore. Not when I haven't spoken about it with Harvey."

"Sure, I'm sorry." She felt a bit ashamed for not choosing her words more considerately. This was serious. Deadly serious.

"I know, I'm just … Jesus, Rach, my brain is just all over the place." She rubbed her head, ruffling her hair in the process. "I think I'll go back to my desk, I'm sorry, I'm not much use at the moment. I'm likely to screw up and ruin some poor Smith and Westland employee's life forever. I'm better off answering the phones and doing easy jobs."

She stood up and moved swiftly to the door, leaving Rachel to stare after her. Before she left she turned around and smiled, "thanks for all this, Rach. I don't know what I would have done without you." Her voice broke slightly as she spoke, tugging at Rachel's heart.

"This is all going to be fine, you know? Please don't worry," said Rachel reassuringly. "Harvey will be fine. Actually, you know what, I think he'll be better than fine. I think he'll be a great dad!"

"Yeah," said Donna. "I hope you're right."


	3. Chapter 3 - Obliterating the Line

THE BEST PART OF ME

CHAPTER 3 – Obliterating the Line

Donna sat back at her desk watching Rachel beaver away inside Harvey's office. She felt guilty. They had all been working so hard for weeks and now … because of that one stupid, stupid, STUPID, mistake … everything was going to turn to shit.

Why? Why did she …?

She knew why.

She was in love with Harvey Specter … and she probably always had been.

She stared blankly at her console as the program windows open on her screen blurred into a haze of pixels. 'Damn it', she screamed at herself. Why couldn't she stop tearing up? If this was going to happen for nine months she was going to get sick of herself pretty quickly.

She bowed her head and thought back to that night, allowing herself to daydream for a moment …

X X X

" _Right … I think … that's me for the night …" Jessica rose from the sofa, but unfortunately she was a lot more wobbly than she expected and she tripped and tumbled backwards into Harvey's lap._

" _Woah, there tiger!" Harvey giggled as his partner thudded into him._

" _Jesus … haha … goddamn it … I can't get up!" Jessica was stoned and drunk and … hell she was so much fun like this. Donna made a mental note to unleash 'Fun Jessica' on Harriet Specter and Michelle Ross's next night out._

" _Well why don't you just stay here." Harvey laughed as he snaked his arms around his managing partner's middle. Donna grimaced. 'Inappropriate Harvey!' her eyes screamed at him._

" _Just get me up, you Idiot, and Harvey … get your hands off me or I'll goddamn slap the shit out of you!"_

 _Harvey laughed but pushed her up onto her feet. "Okay, you're up, I give in. But, not because I'm scared of you."_

 _Donna giggled at him. "You're totally scared of her, Harvey."_

" _Am not!"_

" _Yes you are!"_

 _Jessica teetered on her heels, the room spinning around her like a seventies disco ball. "Woah what the hell have I smoked? Where did you get that shit, Harvey?"_

" _Coffee cart guy," replied Harvey as he slumped down on Jessica's cream sofa, resting his head on a cushion. "That guy's wicked."_

" _Get off my goddamn sofa," snapped Jessica. "I'm not having you drooling on it. Go home. We have work to do tomorrow!" She swayed and sashayed from the seating area to the door but stopped, looking down to the snoring bundle at her feet. "What the hell are we going to do with him?"_

 _Donna turned and propped herself over the back of the armchair, her head resting on her hands. "Oh god, look at him. He's so cute when he's stoned …"_

 _Jessica looked at her as if she was mad. "Louis is cute?" She raised her eyebrows in wonderment. How did Donna see people so differently than she did?_

" _Sure he's cute," she said. "Look at his 'ickle' face."_

 _Harvey started to giggle again as he lay on Jessica's sofa, ignoring her previous demands to get up._

" _What's so funny?" asked Donna._

" _You are." He hugged his sides as he laughed. "Just leave him. I'm not waking him up. He'll start purring or miaow-ing or he'll try to lap up white wine from a bowl on the floor again. Jesus as long as he's quiet leave him!"_

" _Harvey, don't be so cruel, we can't leave him there?" Donna looked affectionately at Louis who was curled up in a foetal position on the floor. He'd been a reluctant drug-taker from the outset, but they'd all talked him into it. Poor soul._

" _Like hell we can't!" said Harvey again. "I'm not going to wake him up, so if you want to, be my guest, but you're dealing with him if he starts purring again!"_

" _Right, okay, I don't give a shit what you do, I'm going," said Jessica as she stumbled towards the door. "You two need to go home too … Jesus what time is it? Shit, it's almost 3.00am. Right, meeting tomorrow 8.00am no … I'll be kind … 8.30am. We have lots to do and as fun as tonight has been, we've got a hell of a lot to get done tomorrow, so go home and get some sleep. Tomorrow we start afresh. That's an order!"_

 _They both watched Jessica leave through the glass of her office wall. She was teetering on her heels as if her life depended on it. Donna thought she heard her exclaim 'fuck it' and she laughed. Moments later the heels were off and a bare-foot Jessica staggered towards the elevators._

" _Have you got a blanket?" asked Donna to Harvey._

" _No, I'm fine, you don't have to tuck me in. I'm getting up in a minute."_

" _Not for you, for Louis!"_

" _What? Jesus, Donna forget about Louis. He's having a good sleep … wait … does Jessica have a marker?"_

" _Probably, why?"_

 _Harvey rose from the sofa, his face lit up with mischief. "Louis is asleep … we have to do things to him …"_

" _No way, you're not, leave him be!"_

" _Get outta town! You're usually the first to jump on the taking the piss out of Louis bus. Come on, we can't let this opportunity pass!"_

" _Harvey, I'm serious, I forbid it. Don't piss him off. He's going to wake up as mad as hell at you as it is for forcing him to smoke pot."_

" _I didn't force him, Jessica did."_

" _You both did, so leave him alone!"_

" _You're no fun anymore. You need more drink!"_

 _Donna stood up and swayed, her royal blue dress stuck to her hip with what? What the hell was that on her dress? Scotch? Wine? 'Oh who cares,' she thought as she ruffled it back down and rung out the wetness onto the carpet. "It's 3.00am. I'm going home. Where's my bag?"_

 _Harvey sighed. "I think it's on your desk."_

" _Is it? Urgh I'll have to walk along the corridor and back again and I don't think I can without falling over."_

" _I'll get it," he said as he bolted to the door._

" _No, it's fine." She lurched after him, stumbling against the walls of Jessica's office as she moved. "Woah this isn't good," she said in a fit of giggles. She kicked off her shoes into the middle of the corridor. "Race you!" she said teasingly as she headed off down the hallway._

 _Harvey sprang after her and tripped, crashing full force in the wall. "Fucking hell, my legs don't work. Shit my arm."_

 _Donna looked behind her and laughed._

" _Oh don't help me whatever you do!" he called after her._

" _I'm concentrating on winning," she called back. "I like to win BIG. You're going to lose SMALL … or something … does that make sense?"_

" _No, it makes no fucking sense at all …"_

 _She got there first, picked up her bag and crashed into Harvey's office, heading for his sofa. "Oh my god, that was awful. I feel sick. The room won't stop spinning."_

 _Harvey came in after her. "I think I'll call Ray."_

" _Don't it's 3.00am! That would make you a complete dick!"_

" _Yeah, well I am a dick and I don't give a shit. I need a ride and I can't get out of here on my own."_

" _Harvey don't call him. He'll be asleep, let him sleep. I'll help you into a taxi."_

" _How can you help me? Look at the state of you!"_

 _She sat up, mouth agape. "What do you mean?"_

" _You're pissed and stoned"_

" _So … I'll have you know I am still more than capable of walking. As I have just proved."_

" _Proven."_

" _Whatever!"_

" _Donna," said Harvey as he sat down next to her, his voice laced with mischief again. "I like you when you're stoned."_

 _Donna cocked an eyebrow at him. "You do?"_

" _Yes, we should do it more often." He laughed and he lay back on his sofa, resting the whole length of his arms on the back._

 _They sat in silence for a moment, both of them reflecting on the day they'd had. They had drowned their sorrows with drink and drugs, but they both knew they'd feel the pain again in the morning. That awful, desperate pain that had cursed them for the past few months. And then the loss … Nothing was going to be the same again for any of them._

" _Do you think we're going to be able to fix this, Harvey?"_

" _Oh no, you've gone serious. Don't be serious. Not tonight. Do you want another drink?"_

" _No, Harvey, I definitely don't want another drink." She straightened her crumpled dress. It was one of her favourites, the one she'd picked to wear as bridesmaid for Rachel and Mike's impromptu wedding that never was. Now it was soaked with drink. She hoped it dry-cleaned well as it meant even more to her now._

" _Donna," said Harvey. There was something 'serious' in the way he spoke her name which made her insides flip over. She looked into his eyes. They were different. The fun had gone, reality had come crashing back._

" _What is it, Harvey?" she said in her soft, gentle voice._

 _He paused. Reflecting on what he was about to say. Donna wondered if Dr. Agard had unleashed a Harvey onto the world who was now going to be able to do this … the talking stuff. "Did you mean what you said?"_

 _Donna squinted at him. He was searching her face, waiting for an answer, but she didn't have a clue what he was talking about. "What did I say?"_

" _That night. In your apartment."_

' _Shit' what night? The 'I love you Donna' night? That was almost a year ago. He wasn't bringing that up now surely._

 _He saw her confusion so he elaborated. "When I was going to turn myself in. Did you mean what you said?"_

" _I always mean what I say Harvey." He should know this._

" _Okay," he replied. "Well thank you."_

" _For what, Harvey?"_

" _For having faith in me … and …" his fingers trailed dangerously next to hers and she took a sharp intake of breath. He skimmed her hand and she bristled, feeling his closeness through ripples deep within her pelvis. "… and … saying you didn't want to lose me."_

 _Her face flushed as he invaded their separate spaces and took hold of her hand. Her head was spinning, which wasn't helping her focus. "Harvey … I … think I should go."_

" _Why?" he asked looking longingly into her eyes._

" _Wow, this is familiar," she said with a laugh as she withdrew her hand from his._

" _Yeah it is." He laughed pensively as he remembered 'that' evening at her apartment. "I think this is where you get your coat and say 'you know I love you, Harvey'."_

 _She twisted her mouth and rolled her eyes at him. "Would that make you feel better?"_

" _Not if you're pitying me."_

" _Harvey … we haven't talked properly about this … it's not the right time."_

" _I don't care, I've had the shittiest day of my life and I've had the worst, most godawful few months of my life. Actually I've had the worst year of my life …" He shot to his feet and walked to his record shelves. He was a man with a mission, searching through the collection for the perfect album._

" _Harvey, what are you doing?"_

" _You're not leaving yet." He searched the shelves, pulling out album after album. "The night is still young. I want to dance … and have another drink."_

 _Donna sank into the dark leather of the sofa. If she had the energy she'd fight him, but she didn't and spending the night sleeping on his sofa was looking more and more appealing. She'd be good for the morning. She had her 'emergency' make-up kit in the bottom drawer of her desk._

" _A-ha!" said Harvey as he staggered over to his record player, vintage LP under his arm._

 _Moments later music was blasting into the office. Funky music. She didn't have a clue what it was, but it sounded something 70's-ish. She just lay on the sofa, yearning for sleep as he poured them a glass of scotch each. 'God, not more scotch.'_

" _Dance with me!" He swung around from the table in the corner with glass of scotch in each hand._

" _Harvey … I …"_

" _Come on, you're not going home until you dance with me. Then I'll put you in a cab, I promise."_

 _Donna sighed and rose to her feet. "Where are my goddamn shoes?"_

" _I don't know."_

" _Oh they're in the hall," she said, starting to laugh. "I couldn't run … earlier … haha, Jesus, Harvey what are we doing?"_

" _We're dancing." He grabbed hold of her waist and spun her around. "Come on, let's enjoy tonight. We've a battle to start fighting tomorrow, but tonight can be ours."_

 _Her face flushed as she relented, allowing him to swing her around in his arms, tipping her backwards for comic effect, dancing around the office like they were … well like they were two stoned and drunk not quite young, not quite middle-aged people who'd just had one hell of a year._

" _Ouch! Jesus Christ Harvey my foot!"_

" _Sorry, sorry …" he pleaded as Donna bent over and rubbed her toes. "I've an unfair advantage. I've got my dancing shoes on and you haven't."_

" _Yeah, well go easy Fred Astaire! I'd like my foot in one piece tomorrow because I've got lots of asses to kick with it."_

 _He squinted quizzically. "You have?"_

" _Damn right I have. Every administrator, receptionist, associate who left us is going to feel the wrath of Donna tomorrow. You don't shit on my team. End of story!"_

 _He smiled. He loved her passion. He resumed his hold on her waist, but then he froze._

 _Harvey's expression changed, his eyes sparked in the darkness of the office sending flutters in her stomach again. She'd seen that look before. A few times. She'd seen it in her apartment a year ago. She'd seen it every time she'd caught him watching her unexpectedly. She'd seen it when he visited her to discuss turning himself in. It was the look that usually pre-empted his running away, but this time he didn't run. He held his position, his eyes locked on hers, one hand around her waist, his other hand reaching up and circling tendrils of her red hair around in his fingers._

" _I love your hair." He was still holding his gaze. He was still looking at her like that. He was closing the gap. The space between them disappeared and she could feel his breath at her throat._

"… _Harvey …" she mumbled as his nose inched upwards, aligning with her cheek. "Harvey … I … think …"_

" _No you don't think you should go." He nuzzled into her neck, breathing in the aroma of her shampoo. She smelled of oranges._

" _Yes I do think I should." She gasped as he turned his attentions to her ear, humming into it as his lips flicked her skin._

" _Well, don't think it anymore," he whispered directly into her ear. "Not tonight. Whatever happens tonight is separate, it's secret … just …" he pulled away and brushed her hair from her face, aroused by the rapidity of her breathing. "Tonight we forget everything, because tomorrow we go to war." Then he leant in closely and kissed her._

 _She kissed him back. She couldn't help it. All of her sensibility had been drowned by the amount of drink and drugs she'd consumed. But more than that – she wanted him. "Harvey … okay … but we can't talk about this after tonight. Not ever again."_

" _We haven't done anything … yet," he said as he pushed her over to his window, kissing her mouth, kissing her neck, kissing her throat._

 _Donna moaned softly at his touch. "We have," she whispered breathlessly as he brushed her lips with his, his tongue tasting her as she parted her lips and allowed him to enter._

" _Well we won't talk about this …" he said as he kissed her forcefully, his mouth consuming hers and their noses colliding awkwardly. "And we won't talk about this," he said as his hands felt every curve of her body, squeezing her breasts and sinking his mouth into her cleavage. "Oh and we won't talk about this either," he whispered as he moved her towards the window. His hand grabbed her ass as he picked her up and pushed her on top of his window ledge, scattering his trophy balls to the floor._

" _Oh my god your balls!" They both laughed. The intensity evaporated like the steam of a hot coffee take-out on a winter morning as they both held each other, their bodies vibrating as they giggled._

" _Leave me to worry about my balls." He resumed the kissing, pinning her against the window, holding her hands as he stretched out her arms against the city background._

" _Are you going to fuck me in full view of the island of Manhattan?" She panted longingly into his ear as he let go of her arms and let his hands run up her thighs. She dug her fingers into his hair and she arched her back, pushing her pelvis against him and feeling his hardness pressing against her in return._

 _His eyes glinted as he pulled at the belt of his pants. "Damn straight, I am." He released himself and turned his attention to her clothing, pulling her skirt up around her hips. "If we're going to do this … once … then we have to do it in style."_

 _Donna balanced awkwardly on the ledge as Harvey pulled down her panties and pushed himself against her thigh. She wrapped her hands around his hair as she felt all the boundaries they had built up over the last twelve years shatter into the past. That was where they belonged._

 _Then he paused. His body pressed against hers … waiting. "Are you sure about this?" he whispered breathlessly, his heartbeat pulsing strongly against her chest._

" _Are you?" she answered, looking into his eyes._

" _I've absolutely no idea?"_

 _She responded by wrapping her legs around his body. "Just fuck me," she said, submitting to the strength of the ache deep within her. "I want you to fuck me."_

" _I want that too," he mirrored as his tip pressed into her slowly, carefully, making sure she was sure._

" _Ah, you're driving me mad." He had to catch his breath as she grabbed his ass and pulled him into her._

 _She inhaled sharply as he entered her completely, thrusting deeply inside her as she hung onto him for balance, her desire making her hold him tightly. He pushed harder into her and she moaned into his throat, her mouth consumed by his, his body pinning her to the window, his hand dipping between them, circling her clit until her body erupted quickly._

 _The pulsing of her body sends him wild as he picks up the pace, slamming into her as she hangs tightly around his neck. Suddenly he can't hold on any longer and he empties into her, both of them panting, both of them too intoxicated to realise they'd crossed a line so huge they almost certainly would never be able to go back._

 _Or could they?_

 _For minutes they stood entwined in each other, pressed up against the window of Harvey's office with the entire city at their feet. "That felt good." Harvey laughed as he brushed back her hair which was stuck, wet with sweat, to her face._

" _Only … good …?" She looked into his eyes seductively. "I must be losing my touch. I'm usually awesome."_

 _Harvey laughed. "Sorry, I meant 'awesome' … I … uhm … Donna …?"_

 _Her eyes were closed. Her face felt so hot and her head started to spin around her as the walls of Harvey's office melted like candle-wax. "Oh shit."_

" _It's okay, I know, pretty mad, huh?" Harvey he ran his hand through his hair, looking at her as if they were naughty teenagers._

" _I don't mean that." She got down from the ledge, pulling down her skirt and steadying herself against his floor lamp, almost pulling it over. "I mean … oh shit … I'm going to barf."_

" _What!" exclaimed Harvey. "Fuck, I've never had that effect on a woman before … here …" He pounced on his trashcan in the corner of the room and shoved it into her arms. "Just don't miss, I don't want puke on my carpet, it takes ages to shift the smell."_

 _She fell to the floor and promptly threw up in the trash. Harvey grimaced. "Urgh"._

" _Thanks for your compassion," she said, rolling her eyes at him. She hung over the trashcan as he tucked his shirt back into his pants._

" _Sorry, it's just … you're making me feel sick now."_

 _She looked up for a moment to shoot him a glare before dry-retching a couple of times. "Urgh, god, I'm never doing this again."_

" _Which part?"_

" _All of it, the whole thing … what the hell were we thinking?"_

" _I was thinking that everything changes tomorrow, so tonight I'm going to have fun."_

 _She stood up and looked at him, wiping at her mouth. "I need to go home."_

" _Why?"_

" _Don't start that again. We have a meeting in less than five hours remember?"_

" _Ok then, we probably should go home," he agreed as she passed him the trashcan. "You keep it!" he said._

" _Aw, thanks Harvey. Just what I always wanted, a trashcan full of puke!"_

" _Well I don't want it. Hey, shall we put it in Louis's office."_

" _No," she said, her eyes wide and chastising._

 _He laughed again. "Do you think he's still there … in Jessica's office?"_

" _Probably."_

" _Right just leave it here behind the door. I'll stick a note on it for the janitor."_

 _She nodded and put it down, gathering up the rest of her things and picking up her beige mac which was draped over the side of her cubicle. He stood in the doorway, watching her as she put her coat on. She could feel his eyes burning into her and she blushed, feeling embarrassed. She looked around slowly and he looked away. Neither of them knew what to say._

" _So, see you tomorrow?"_

 _He nodded. "Yep. Are you okay? I mean, to go home?"_

" _Yes, I feel much better after throwing up," she said with a laugh._

" _And what about … uhm … the rest?"_

" _Do you need to talk about it?" she asked, knowing that that was probably the last thing he wanted to do right now._

" _Not unless you do."_

" _I just need to sleep everything off, Harvey," she replied. "I'll see you tomorrow."_

 _He nodded thoughtfully and she could tell that he was worrying already. He'd crossed the line he was terrified of crossing. The line which had always been straight and firm. The line which meant one thing … 'screw Donna, lose Donna'. So, as she walked past him she said what he needed to hear as opposed to what she wanted to say._

" _Don't worry Harvey. It was just as you say. One mad night. Back to normal tomorrow, okay?"_

 _Harvey looked up, accepting what she was telling him. She could tell by his face that she'd said the right thing as the tension seemed to leave him, his body relaxing. "Okay," he said. "Sleep well and remember 8.30am tomorrow."_

" _I know, I'll be there."_

X X X

"What the hell are you doing?" Harvey's face crumpled into a frown as he stood over her desk.

She snapped back to reality, glancing around, wondering why Harvey was so angry and wondering when he'd gotten back from his meetings. She hadn't even noticed. Had she been asleep? "Excuse me?" she said, narrowing her eyes at him.

"Donna, Rachel has a mountain of work to do, have you helped her with any of it?"

He looked stressed. She felt guilty. She looked into his office and noticed Rachel standing in the doorway shrugging an apology. "I … tried … uhm … I …"

"Look forget it," he said dismissively, "I don't know what's gotten into you, but you're no goddamn use to me here, so you may as well go home!"

"That's not fair, Harvey … I …"

"Save it!" He shouted so aggressively that he made her jump and she swallowed hard. "We all need to buckle down and help each other out, you know that. Look, I get your job description is to answer my phone and set my calendar, but it's time to step up your goddamn game. You're letting the team down!"

Donna could feel tears stinging her eyes as Harvey turned his back on her, throwing his hands up in the air.

It was after 6.00pm.

She picked up her things and left.

No way in hell was she going to talk to him tonight.


	4. Chapter 4 - Enough is Enough

THE BEST PART OF ME

CHAPTER FOUR – Enough is Enough

For the last two weeks Donna had barely spoken to Harvey. Never before had she remained so pissed for so long. She hated it, but she couldn't bring herself out of it. It wasn't like her and she feared her Donna-ness was on vacation. A nine month long vacation.

She did all her usual jobs. She even took on extra work which would usually have been done by a paralegal. But that was all she managed. There was no 'Donna shit', as Harvey called it, no unwelcome opinion giving, no challenging him, no building him up. She could tell he knew something was up, but she didn't care. She just couldn't find a way to get herself back.

She was in no-man's land and she was terrified. Maybe the Donna she knew was gone for good, to be replaced by a Donna-Mom. She twisted her mouth into a grimace as she wondered what the hell she would be like and how she would fit into life at Pearson Specter Litt.

As for the 'situation', well, she had tried her best not to think about it. She had visited her doctor who had calculated she was exactly 'as pregnant' as she feared – not that having Mitchell's baby would have been a walk in the park either – but she was, today, exactly, seven weeks pregnant. Seven weeks since her last period. Five weeks since 'The Stupid Time'. Three weeks since she missed her next period. Two weeks since she found out. There was no doubt about it.

Four days ago Rachel had dared to do what she'd promised she wouldn't. She'd asked Donna when she was going to tell Harvey. It was like lighting a match. Whoosh! Her anger had flared up and she'd snapped. 'I told you to leave me a-goddamn-lone!' she'd screamed at her friend whose Bambi-brown eyes had cried out at her in hurt. They had avoided discussing that outburst, but Rachel hadn't dared raise the question again.

She sat at her desk and scrolled through Harvey's calendar of meetings on her console. It was the fourth time that day she'd had to go into the document to reschedule something. All she had left on her desk was filing. She was bored and to top it all off, today was the day her body had received a special delivery in the form of 'pregnancy symptoms'.

Donna had hoped she'd be one of the lucky ones, sailing through without so much as a craving, but today had proven her wrong. She had woken up at her usual time, her alarm beeping 5.30am into the blackness of her bedroom. She was used to this time of the day. The sky was always the same, a slight yellowy-pink-ish glow on the horizon, given by the rising sun. But this morning she didn't feel the same. At first she was startled, wondering if she was ill before she realised what it was. Nausea. A swimming sensation in her stomach and a lightness in her head. Even though she was lying down in bed, the feeling was strong, unmistakeable and very unpleasant. 'How long was this going to last?,' she wondered, worried and frustrated that this was going to be her life for the next few months and it was going to get worse before it got better.

Almost as bad as the nausea was the pain in her breasts. Both of them throbbed and ached as if they'd been punched by a battering ram. She instinctively grabbed one in each hand hoping to ease the discomfort, but nothing worked. Every month since she was a girl she'd felt a slight ache there signalling her period was due, but that was nothing like this. She lay in bed holding herself as the pain intensified, finally settling into her nipples with such stinging intensity that it took her breath away.

She thought a shower would help, but as she got undressed she was faced with yet another trauma. Staring back at her from the mirror was a body she didn't recognise. The translucent white skin of her breasts, which had always been lightly dusted with freckles, was now carved up by a roadmap of unsightly purple veins. She shrieked and wrapped her bathrobe around herself, allowing the nausea to finally render her on her knees, where she stayed, hugging the toilet bowl, for a good five minutes.

Donna groaned as she remembered her morning. She'd been late because it had taken her so long to get in the shower and get dressed, but as long as she made it into the office before Harvey – which she did – then all was well. She made a mental note to reset her alarm for 5.00am from now on.

Snapping back to her boredom infused cubicle, she felt another wave of nausea hit. Water. That was all she could manage as she pulled a bottle from her drawer and took a sip. As from today, she couldn't stomach coffee which she knew wouldn't go unnoticed for long. Donna was a caffeine addict, but even though she hadn't had any today, she wasn't missing her five-times-daily fix. Just the thought of a triple latte with skimmed milk and a dollop of cream and sugar made her stomach feel like it would turn inside out.

Her fingers tapped around her keyboard but she couldn't focus on the screen. She wanted to sleep. She allowed herself to flip onto chrome and she checked into her personal e-mails. Bam! Right at the top in bold-blue was a message from Mommy Circle, some stupid site she'd logged into a few days ago. The title of the message read 'you are seven weeks pregnant.' She clicked into it and scan read all of the main points of reference … morning sickness (check) … breast pain (check) … pelvic pain (nope, haven't go that yet) … extreme tiredness (check, actually triple check that) … food aversions (see you later caffeine!).

Her eyes ducked over her cubicle to see if anyone was heading her way as she clicked out of her e-mail and into Bloomingdale's website. This was her new guilty pleasure. Cute baby clothes. She had tried not to think too much about the baby over the last fortnight as it was just easier not to. Anticipating what was going to be the end result of this mess she'd gotten herself into hadn't come easy. Babies were bald and pink. They cried and they slept. And the pooped. That was all she knew. But baby clothes were unbelievably, awesomely cute. For a fashionista like Donna, baby clothes were an untapped source of wonderment and she had found herself gazing for hours at Chloe dresses and teeny-tiny Ralph Lauren rompers. She decided to find out the sex as soon as she could as baby-retail-therapy could be a temporary fixer for the loss of Donna … or … her heart skipped a beat as soon as the thought entered her head … she could buy something white now. Why not? She could get a taxi down to Bloomingdales at lunchtime and have a lovely hour of massively indulgent shopping time.

"Donna?"

She jumped at the mention of her name and shut down the internet window. 'Shit' that was close as she looked up to face Louis.

"What do you want, Louis," she said wearily.

Louis tutted. Then opened his mouth. Then clamped it shut. "What's wrong with you?" he asked as his eyes narrowed, "you look like shit and you're snippy!"

"Snippy?"

"Yes, don't question my adjectives."

Donna rolled her eyes, "what do you want, Louis?" she repeated again.

"Well I was going to offer you the chance to join me at the latest …"

"No!" Her tone of voice as abrupt. Oh, and 'snippy'.

"Donna!" exclaimed Louis. "You haven't heard what I was going to say."

"I know, but the answer is no." She looked up at him, her eyes vacant under her terracotta painted eyelids. "I'm just not in the mood."

"What's wrong Donna?" Louis was genuinely worried about his friend. Donna was his best friend and he cared about her just as much as she cared about him. "You haven't been yourself for days."

Donna bit down on her lip, feeling herself getting cross. 'Damn these hormones' she thought as she felt her blood pressure rise and her face flush. "I'm fine Louis," she answered unconvincingly.

"No, you're not? Is it Harvey?"

"Why would it be Harvey?"

"Because he's a selfish blowhard who doesn't deserve you." The words rolled effortlessly off Louis's tongue. He still resented Donna returning to work for him and he missed her.

Donna threw down her pen and got up from her seat, but the blood rushed to her head as she did and she had to lean on her desk to stop falling over.

Louis was on her straight away. "Donna are you alright?" His face creased with worry as he ran around her cubicle and came up close behind her.

"Get the hell away from me Louis!" She practically screamed, making Louis jump back in shock. She held onto the desk for a few moments before she composed herself and looked out into the open-plan office. A few associates and administrators were staring at her. Rachel had appeared, her arms wrapped around a stack of files, willing her to pull it together. She took a deep breath and fought the nausea to walk around her desk and march down the hall. Louis stared after her open mouthed wondering what the hell he'd done wrong.

X X X

Donna had less than a minute's privacy on her knees, in the toilet stall, before Rachel burst into the ladies' bathroom.

"Donna, what the hell …?" Her voice trailed off as she heard the sound of throwing up coming from the nearest stall. "Donna, are you …?"

She hadn't even closed the door. She was bent over the toilet bowl on her knees retching up her breakfast.

"Oh, Donna, I'm sorry … I …"

Donna coughed as she finished up.

"I haven't properly realised how hard this is for you." Rachel hunkered down so she was at Donna's level, gently pulling her friend's red hair back from her face as she hung over the toilet.

Donna slowly got up forcing Rachel to get up too. "I'm okay," she said huffily, not convincing either Rachel or herself. She walked to the sink and washed her hands before splashing water into her mouth to clean out the taste of vomit.

"Donna, I don't care if you scream at me. I really don't care, so scream at me as much as you want, but I have to say enough is enough now. You can't do this alone, it isn't right."

"Rachel, I asked you not to mention this."

"Well I have to!" yelled Rachel. She didn't want to upset Donna, but she couldn't watch this charade for a second more. "Someone's going to realise sooner or later. You look terrible, you can hardly keep your eyes open, you're snapping at everybody and … as of today … you're having morning sickness. For Christ's sake! You either tell him now or what? Tell him after everyone else has worked it out?"

"Rachel …" Her voice stammered as she turned around to look her best friend in the eye. "I'm not ready. God, Rachel we're hardly speaking as it is. I … can't …"

"You have to and if you wait any longer he's going to resent you."

"Why would he resent me?" Donna screwed her face in confusion.

Rachel came forward, closing the gap between them, and placed her hands on Donna's forearms. "You're keeping this from him deliberately. Don't you see? He should be a part of this too."

Donna's breathing sped up as her body balked at the situation she was in. She knew Rachel was right, but she didn't want to admit it to herself. She nodded but said 'I can't,' at the same time.

Rachel half-smiled in empathy. "I know this is hard."

"You don't know the half of it!" Donna nonchalantly tossed a bundle of screwed up paper towels she'd been drying her hands with in the trash. "My tits feel like somebody is sticking needles in them, I feel like I'm going to collapse I'm that nauseous and … worst of all … I can't stomach coffee and I don't even miss it."

"Shit, that's bad."

Donna didn't answer. She fluffed out her hair and straightened her electric blue dress in the mirror. "I don't know how … to say it," she said. She was utterly devastated.

Rachel's heart sank. Donna always knew how to say everything. She was never afraid. "Donna, you need to try."

X X X

Donna knew Rachel was right.

She returned to her desk, started her filing and waited for Harvey to return from his meeting.

He arrived back at 11.45am, bounding down the corridor, hesitant to look at her as he passed because her mood had been so bad for the last few days he didn't know what would be instore for him. He'd put it all down to 'women's stuff'. Well, he hoped that was what it was. He knew her and Rachel had been as thick as thieves recently.

She waited a moment then she entered his office. He looked up from his console, seeing her facial expression and he frowned. He'd have to address her mood and talk about their feelings. Joy of joys! His favourite things.

"Harvey, I need to talk to you about something." Donna had mustered up some outward assertiveness, but inside all of her internal organs were tying themselves up in knots.

Harvey's face was etched with a burden of his own that he'd been carrying. "I know what you're going to say."

She exhaled sharply, one hand on her hip. "You do?"

"Yeah," he said, reclining back on his desk chair. "You and Rachel. I know you've been dealing with a problem."

Donna's brain went into overdrive, her eyes almost disappearing under a heavy frown. 'What was he talking about? Has he guessed?'

"It's okay. Just tell Rachel it'll be fine and we'll work something out with her hours and with … uhm … school and I won't say anything until she's ready."

Donna froze for a moment trying to work it out. Then she realised. That day, two weeks ago, the pregnancy tests in Rachel's bag. "Harvey, it's not what you think."

"Isn't it?" he asked, not buying her story. "Has she told Mike yet?"

'Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.' What would Rachel want her to say? "Rachel isn't … uhm … pregnant, Harvey." That'd do for starters. She knew Rachel would want her to tell him that at least.

Harvey's face changed from worry to relief. "She's not?" He stood up from his desk and ran his hand through his hair. "False alarm?"

"You could say that."

"Then why?"

"Why what?"

"Why have you been in such a shitty mood for two weeks? Was it because I shouted at you? Because if it was I'm sorry, but … actually no, I'm not sorry. We all have to pull together and we need everyone to give 100% right now."

Donna felt her blood pressure rise again, her neck hot as she tried to calm herself down. "Since when have I ever not given you 100%, Harvey?"

He gulped. He didn't want to go down this road, but he needed to sort this out. "Donna, you know as well as I do that you haven't been yourself. And I don't know why you've chosen right now to do this, but …" He came from behind his desk to look her straight in the eye, lowering his voice to make the reproach gentler. "Is this about that night?"

Donna's eyes narrowed. Now was the time to tell him, but … "No, Harvey" came out of her mouth. She wanted to find a better way than this … the tail end of an argument … to tell him he was going to be a father.

He looked at her unconvinced. His eyes scrutinized her expression. "Then what?"

"I just haven't been feeling myself, that's all, but … can we talk about it later?" Her voice was sincere and she could tell by his face that he wasn't completely buying it. "Can you come to my place tonight maybe?"

"Tonight?"

"Oh, are you busy tonight?"

He didn't know why he told her, he just did. "Yeah, I'm hooking up with Scottie later."

The words hit her like a truck. A car crash. A train wreck. This was what her life had become, so she didn't know why the revelation had shocked her so much. Her face drained of colour and she couldn't disguise her grief. She didn't want him to notice. She did all she could to make her face smile but she couldn't manage. This was a betrayal and it hurt.

"Oh," was all she said as she backed out of the office.

"Donna, don't be like this."

She snarled as she rounded back at him. "Like what?"

"You know what!" He raised his voice to mirror hers. "We're just meeting for drinks, as friends, that's all. I said I'd give her a call during Mike's trial and that's what I've done."

"Fine, Harvey," said Donna, trying desperately to pull it together. "It's fine, it's none of my business."

"We can talk tomorrow. I'll cook for you at my place."

"No, it's fine Harvey. Forget about it."

She walked back to her desk, her eyes stinging with tears, but she refused to release them. 'That night' as he called it had truly meant nothing to him. It was that night he'd wanted sex. It was that night he'd gotten what he wanted. It was that night he'd used her.

But it was also that night she'd wanted sex. That night she'd gotten what she wanted. And, most importantly, that night she'd told him they would put it behind them and move on.

This was her own fault.


	5. Chapter 5 - His Nightmare

THE BEST PART OF ME

CHAPTER 5 – His Nightmare

Donna stirred at the sound. Tapping, knocking, thudding … someone was at her door. And they were persistent!

'Shit, what the hell time is it?' She rolled over in bed, rubbed her eyes and tried to focus on the digital red numbers on her alarm clock – 22:28. She groaned into her pillow. It felt like the middle of the night, but she'd been asleep less than an hour. She had been turning in earlier and earlier every night this week. Yesterday, she'd headed straight for bed the second she had gotten home from work, skipping dinner completely. She couldn't believe how tired she was. Her 'Mommy Circle' website had assured her it was because the baby was zapping her energy so it could grow and it would last for several more weeks, which she hadn't found particularly delightful to discover.

She got out of bed as the knocking became louder, pulling on her robe on her way to the door. She didn't have to ask who it was. Her gut told her. Besides, who else would it be at this time?

"What are you doing here?" Her voice was weary as she opened the door to a smiling Harvey leaning casually on her door frame.

He squinted and frowned at her dishevelled appearance. "Can I come in?"

"What's wrong?" she said, noticing his expression.

"Nothing. Were you asleep? You look … uhm … tired."

Donna covered her mouth as she yawned. "Yeah, is it important?"

"Well, I can leave it if you want … but …"

"No, it's okay, come in." She closed the door behind him and patted her hair down, realising she was suffering from a case of 'bed-head' that would make Sideshow Bob look like a model in a shampoo advert.

Harvey smiled at her and laughed. "Bit early for bed, isn't it?"

Donna scowled at him. "I was tired," she replied truthfully. "So what's so important it couldn't wait until tomorrow?"

They both sat down on her grey sofa. Harvey fluffed up a shiny terracotta cushion and rested on it. He was reluctant to meet her gaze.

"Can I get you something?"

Harvey shook his head. "No, I'm good."

They both waited in awkward silence.

"So, how was your date?" asked Donna finally, breaking the ice.

Harvey sat upright and straightened his tie. She could tell he wanted to talk to her, but it was the same-old, same-old frustrating silence. The needing, but not knowing how to, talk about his feelings was killing him. "It wasn't a date. I just said I'd ring Scottie a while back and meet up with her. I'd been meaning to for ages, so I did. We needed to talk, clear a few things up, that's all."

"I see." His revelation that he was meeting up with Scottie had hit her hard earlier. She didn't need that extra complication to add to her already long list of complications.

"Are you upset that I met up with her?"

"Of course, not," she lied. "She's a big part of your life, why would I be upset?"

"Uhm … it's just … I thought …"

"You thought what?" She was annoyed that he was questioning her like this.

"Nothing."

"Nothing?" she repeated, arching her eyebrows at him. "Seriously, Harvey, if there's something you want to say to me, just say it. I really can't be bothered with this 'not saying how you feel' bullshit anymore."

Harvey twisted his mouth and exhaled sharply. His arms and legs were crossed defensively. "Okay, I thought I sensed when I told you I was seeing her that you weren't happy about it."

"Since when do you sense things?"

"Just answer the question, Donna!" Now, it was he who was getting annoyed.

She stared at him in disbelief, her mouth open as her brain ticked away mentally listing all of the reasons why he was a complete dick. Insensitive, arrogant, unfeeling, self-centred. "That's a bullshit question Harvey and you know it. Why have you come into my home, at this time of night to ask me about this?"

"Because we need to talk!" he yelled. "You've been like this for weeks and I don't know what I've done. Look, everyone's noticed. You bawled out Louis earlier today and even Jessica mentioned that you aren't on your game. And that means she's blaming me, so you have to talk to me! Is it about 'that night'? Tell me how I can fix this!"

Donna sucked on her bottom lip as her heart started to beat faster. 'I'm pregnant'. Two little words. That's all she needed to say. It wouldn't even take a second to spit it out, but she couldn't do it. Her stomach churned and she could feel her legs tremble, but she held on. "I just haven't been feeling myself, Harvey. That's all."

"What do you mean? Are you sick?" His dark brown eyes filled with concern as he contemplated the possibility of her being ill. Donna had never been ill.

"No, I … uhm … well maybe, I think I'm just burnt out." She looked into his eyes and all she saw was confusion. 'Is he buying this?'

He shifted uncomfortably on her sofa. "Is it because of Rachel?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know, I know, Donna."

Donna gulped. She hadn't told Rachel that Harvey had thought she was pregnant yet and she felt disloyal that she hadn't corrected him for jumping to the wrong conclusion. She was letting him believe that the possibility of Rachel being pregnant had been on the cards, which was unfair to her friend.

"Were you telling me the truth, earlier? Is Rachel definitely not pregnant?"

"Yes, Harvey," said Donna as strongly and emphatically as she could. "Rachel is absolutely, definitely, certainly not pregnant."

"Well thank goodness for that." His body relaxed at the news for the second time that day. "That would have been the last thing we needed right now."

Donna's whole body sank into the sofa, deflated and disappointed at Harvey's words. "Why?" She was shocked to the core by his statement. She was panicked at the prospect of what it would mean for her.

Harvey looked at her as if she was mad. "Because we're still not back on our feet yet, that's why. We're a family. All six of us – including Mike. We need to focus on sorting our shit out and Rachel being pregnant …" he shook his head in despair as if the idea would be the end of the world. "… well that could have set us back to square one. Or worse."

Donna swallowed hard, fighting to keep control of her emotions although the tears were already forming in her eyes. She mustn't cry. She mustn't! "But, we'd have all pulled together for her, wouldn't we?"

"Yeah, damn right we would," said Harvey assuredly. "Look, I'm not saying it would have been a disaster. I'm just saying it would be the worst possible time for that to happen."

Donna stared at him trying to flush his words out of her brain. Why did he have to say this? She willed him to stop talking, but he continued …

"Plus, how would Mike have coped with that? I've visited him a handful of times and he's doing great, but jeez, Donna, it's still fucking tough for him in there. It would have destroyed him to think of Rachel struggling with a baby when he was stuck in there, unable to help her, missing out on it all. His life is a mess right now. Has Rachel even told him?"

It was getting worse. The hole she had helped him dig was getting deeper. "I … I … don't know Harvey. I suppose there wasn't any point …"

"Good, well I hope she doesn't tell him. I mean, I know Mike and Rachel are the real deal, but it would have been a nasty reminder of what they could have had. Mike would have been married now. He'd have been overjoyed to be having kids. Hell, he's not like me! It would be my worst nightmare!"

Wham! Another punch to the gut. She wanted to scream 'what the fucking hell is wrong with you?' but she was frozen, winded, the air knocked out of her. He was an idiot. He didn't even know he was being an idiot.

"What's the matter?" he asked, observing her obvious distress. She was curled up next to him, but her face was chiselled with anguish, her brown eyes watery under the soft amber light of her living room.

"Nothing, I'm just … uhm … I'm really tired Harvey. Do you think we could talk about this tomorrow?"

Harvey knew this wasn't just about Rachel. "Donna … I'm sorry about 'that night'. It was my fault. I was only thinking about myself and what I wanted. I don't know, after seeing Mike go down and then the firm in the state it was in …" He looked into her eyes to try to find a connection, but she wasn't looking at him. She had pulled her knees up to her chin, wrapping her arms around them and willing him to just shut up and leave. "… I just wanted to feel good. I'm sorry. I … wasn't thinking about you or how it would make you feel afterwards. Look, I just want to say you're my best friend and I love you. You mean more to me than anybody, but I'm still pretty messed up. I still don't know what I want and I'm certainly not in any position to think about what I want right now. Work has to come first."

Donna rolled her eyes at the same-old, same-old story. "Harvey, I'm really not interested in doing this now." She snapped at him because she was sick and tired of hearing him make the same excuses about his messed up life. "This was never just about you. I lost Mike too. I lost the firm too. I know you think that all of this is far more important for you than it is for me, but the truth is I wanted to feel good that night too. Whatever you want is up to you to decide and I'm fed up with hearing about your screwed up life and the fact you're afraid to love people. It's always about you. So, if work has to come first, you put it first. I don't give a shit anymore …!"

"What the hell's the matter with you!" He was stunned at her outburst. "You think I'm telling you this for what? For sympathy?"

"No Harvey, I think you're telling me this because 'you' are all you ever think about." She put her legs down suddenly, wanting to stand up, but when she did a stabbing pain shot through her pelvis and she winced, doubling over, her face betraying both the strength of the pain and the shock of it.

Harvey was on her straight away, his face filled with concern. "Donna, are you okay?"

She sat frozen, scared to move again. She shifted slightly to the left and the pain came back, her womb feeling like it was being pulled out of her pelvis. "I … I … just cramp," she lied as she waited for the pain to subside. 'Mommy Circle' had mentioned pelvic pain and she now knew what it felt like.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, Harvey, I'm fine. I've just been sitting like that with my knees up for too long. I'm not as young as I used to be, you know."

Harvey looked unconvinced, but as he watched her stand up and walk to her door he relaxed. "Are you kicking me out?" His mouth smirked impishly, but she didn't find anything about this moment funny.

"If you don't mind?" "I'm just really tired, Harvey. I think everything has caught up with me. I've had to be here for everybody else over the past few months, but I haven't been here for me." She didn't want to argue with him anymore. 'Ooh, that sounded plausible', she thought.

Harvey nodded no doubt realising that Donna was the person everybody depended on during adversity. He sure as hell knew he depended on her. Louis and Rachel depended on her. Even Jessica had sought out her advice several times since the collapse of the firm. 'Was this what happened when you took care of everybody else's needs and ignored your own?' "What about that guy?" He had wondered ever since 'that night' about the guy Donna said she was dating, but he was scared to find out if he was still around – after what he had done.

"Who?"

"You know that guy … Mitchell was it?"

Donna took this question as final proof he only cared about himself. "We broke up months ago." This was the second time – ever – that Mitchell's name had come up in conversation between them. The first time was when she'd told him he existed.

"Oh, I'm sorry." He was pleased and relieved. Donna seeing other men always made him feel strange. And jealous. But the fact they'd broken up before 'that night' meant he hadn't made Donna into his mother by cheating on Mitchell.

"It's fine. It was a long time ago."

Harvey stood up and walked to the door. "I know I'm an asshole, Donna and I know you deserve better." He opened the door and left her apartment.

As soon as he was gone, Donna returned to bed and cried herself to sleep.

X X X

She was late to work the next day.

Very late.

Nausea had hit her worse than ever and she'd thrown up twice before 8.00am. She decided to play the 'run down' card. That's all she could do.

Harvey was nowhere to be seen when she arrived at the office, which she was relieved about because she was soon hit by another wave of sickness. Had she done anything different this morning? What had she eaten? Was this just going to get worse and worse?

She made it to the bathroom just in time and vomited up the ginger cookie 'Mommy Circle' has assured her would help the nausea. Ridiculous! She hated the cutesy pink-ness of that site, but she needed it as it had become her source of information about what was happening to her body.

Donna struggled to her feet and waited for her head to stop swimming, then she unlocked the stall door and walked straight into Gretchen.

Harvey's one-time secretary, now caring in every sense of the word for Louis, was standing between her and the sinks, arms folded, her black eyes expressing her trademark 'I'm going to say something poignant,' look.

Donna shrunk into herself, offered an 'excuse me,' then went to the sink. She washed her hands and was desperate to splash water into her mouth, but she didn't want to advertise the fact she'd just vomited to Gretchen. She looked at the older woman's reflection in the mirror and her heart sank. She'd have to get it over with. "What's on your mind, Gretchen?"

"Depends." Gretchen unfolded her arms and placed them on her hips. "You're usually full of shit so don't know if you'd answer straight."

Donna swung around, her mouth open in shock (or was it awe) at Gretchen's abrasiveness. "What did you just say to me?"

"You heard me, Red." Gretchen peered at Donna over the top of her spectacles. "I ain't got time for your bullshit, so I'm just going to tell you like it is. I've birthed three babies and I've more nephews, nieces and godchildren than the damned Kennedys. You getting my drift?"

Donna got her drift, but she stood up straight and lied to her face. "No, I don't," she said forcefully.

"Whatever, you say Red, but by my reckoning you'd better tell whoever the daddy of that baby is that his life is due a makeover, because those smart dresses you wear ain't gonna fit you for too much longer. And when that happens, don't be looking at me to be loaning you no clothes."

Donna's face dropped. Gretchen had hit a nerve. Soon enough, time was going to remove her ability to lie to the world.

Gretchen's face changed too. She was a smart woman and she could be just as smart as Donna with her observations, but she realised she may have crossed the line. In fact, looking at the misery on Donna's face, she knew she'd crossed the line. "I'm sorry Honey." She watched Donna's face crumple into a mess of sobs and tears and she was overcome with sympathy.

Gretchen didn't know what to do. She wasn't a touchy-feely person in the office, but she had to comfort Donna so she rubbed her arm tenderly, shushing her gut-wrenching cries, waiting patiently as she let it all out.

"I'm sorry," said Donna a few minutes later. "Please don't say anything." She turned towards the mirrors and stuck her head under the sink, pouring water into her mouth and rinsing out the horrible taste of vomit that felt even more bitter after she had cried for so long.

"No, I'm sorry," said Gretchen. "I shouldn't have said anything to you. Lord knows, it's none of my business but I can't keep my darned mouth shut at the best of times."

"That's okay," sniffed Donna. "You were right to tell me. I need to sort this out, but I just can't … seem … to do anything right."

"How far along are you?"

"Seven weeks, nearly eight."

"Not that long then. You have longer in those dresses of yours than I thought."

Donna smiled. Yes time was still on their side.

"Who else knows?"

"Just Rachel."

"Suppose you're dreading telling him." She nodded her head towards the door, which meant the office, which meant Harvey's office. Which meant Harvey.

"You could say that." Donna sided up next to Gretchen, both their backs against the wall of a stall.

Gretchen laughed. "I wish I could be a fly on the wall when he hears that news!"

Donna wasn't amused, but then Donna knew her baby was Harvey's baby too. Gretchen didn't.

"So who's the daddy?" asked Gretchen huskily.

"It's complicated."

"He in the picture still?"

"Not really."

"Not really? He either is or he ain't. He's not married is he?"

"No, what do you take me for?" It was the second time she'd been asked that question and it made her feel cross.

"I take you for someone who should have known how babies were made."

"Thanks, Gretchen," snapped Donna. "That's really helpful."

Gretchen's mouth disappeared into a thin line of disapproval. "You know people are talking already. It ain't gonna take too long before folk around here start putting two and two together and when they do you can bet your life they'll come up with five."

"What do you mean?" Harvey had told her that her un-Donna-like behaviour of the last few weeks hadn't gone unnoticed, but surely nobody had guessed what the problem was.

"I mean you and Harvey."

Donna bristled, looking away from Gretchen with hurt etched on her face.

"It ain't my place to say anything and Lord knows I know that man needs a kick up his ass ten times a day, but everyone will think this baby is his."

"Well maybe it is his."

The words were out and she instantly regretted it. The look on Gretchen's face told her that this was the last thing she expected her to say, even though she had her finger on the pulse when it came to office gossip. She stared blankly at Gretchen, both women stunned into silence. How the hell had she managed to tell Gretchen this when she couldn't even tell Harvey?

"Oh my, then that is a pickle." Her black eyes appeared scornfully over the top of her glasses again.

Donna laughed sarcastically, shaking her head at Gretchen's words. "Really?" Her tone conveyed a wounded 'is that all you've got?'

"What was I saying about being a fly on the wall?"

Donna let out a short, quiet laugh. "Yeah, why do you think he doesn't know?" She re-entered the toilet stall and collected her bag, then returned to the mirror, fluffed her hair and reapplied her lipstick while Gretchen looked on helplessly.

"I'm sorry, Red," said Gretchen as Donna moved towards the doorway. "But you need to tell him and you need to tell him fast. Don't let him find out from gossip."

"You won't …"

"Of course I won't! This ain't my business, but if I guessed then others will."

Donna nodded. She knew Gretchen was right, of course she did. That's why she'd been trying to find a way to tell him for a fortnight. "Yesterday he told me, just in conversation, that having a baby would be his worst nightmare. Where do I go from there?"

"Look people say things they don't mean all the time. You can't let that worry you."

Donna wasn't convinced. "You think?" she said indignantly. "I can't think of a reason why anybody would say that if it wasn't true."

"Well, Honey, there's only one way to find out. This ain't like you. When I first came to this firm, the word on the street was that Donna Paulsen was fearless. That's your reputation and you need to remember that. You used to walk the halls of this office like you owned the place and now look at you? Chicken shit don't suit you."

Donna smiled warmly. Gretchen had a wonderful way of putting things. "Chicken shit?" she repeated with a smile.

"Yeah. Chicken shit," repeated Gretchen. "Time for Red Hen to get her ass into gear and get back to owning this coop!"

Donna laughed. "I know you're right Gretchen, thank you."

Gretchen smiled back. "Now, I've stood here too darned long. I need to go pee. That's what I came in here for after all." She walked to a cubicle and opened the door. "Good luck, Red," she called as Donna left the bathroom.


	6. Chapter 6 - Run Down

THE BEST PART OF ME

CHAPTER SIX – Run Down

Donna had felt ready to tell Harvey.

Six days ago.

Since then it had been one thing after another. Full days of work for both of them, including no less than three huge emergencies, then Jessica had sent Harvey and Rachel up to Boston to win back a huge client they'd lost to Travis Tanner's firm.

Donna was frustrated and angry now. She was almost nine weeks pregnant and she was sick. Her morning sickness – no strike that – her all day sickness was rendering her less than useless. The past three days had been better with Harvey gone because she'd been able to hide away in her cubicle, doing as little as possible. Gretchen had checked on her a few times, bringing her no fewer than five packets of ginger cookies to keep in her desk drawer, swearing they'd do the trick. Donna thanked her, but knew nothing helped her nausea and she was starting to worry about the fact she wasn't keeping anything down. She'd never felt so tired and she'd never felt so weak. Cravings? Well she hadn't had any of those which was a good thing because if she did, she'd barf whatever she craved straight back up again anyway.

It was 2.30pm in the afternoon and Harvey had just called through to let her know he and Rachel were on their way back from Boston. He'd signed the deal, gutted Tanner and was wondering if she would like to come around for that dinner he'd promised to cook for her at his condo. She saw this as her chance to tell him the baby news and she took it, although the dinner element was obviously worrying given her vomiting habit.

She went into Harvey's office to straighten his desk and make sure he had the files he needed for when he got back later that day. Her stomach oozed and her head was light as she stood. She was used to the sensation, even though it was unpleasant, and she knew to leg it to the bathroom the second the oozy feeling started to rise into her oesophagus, signalling the evacuation of her stomach contents.

She turned around on her heels and lost her balance slightly, gripping onto Harvey's desk chair to steady herself. The dizziness was new. She didn't think this was as much to do with the baby as it was to do with her not being able to hold anything down. She couldn't even manage salad. At home she was living on dry cereal and toast because everything else either made her sick before she'd even put it in her mouth, or it would churn around in her stomach until her body ultimately rejected it. It was like having a stomach bug that never went away.

Donna flopped down at Harvey's desk, her head resting on her arms as she waited for the dizziness to pass. She felt so sick that she was starting to panic, which was stupid, but the room was spinning around her and she felt like she was on a fairground ride which she couldn't get off. She felt tearful as she thought of all the chances she'd had to tell Harvey about the baby. Almost four weeks of fear, procrastination and being physical apart from him had left her precisely where she was when she'd first found out she was pregnant. What a waste of time! Rachel had been right from the start. He was going to be mad she'd taken so long to tell him.

She closed her eyes for a moment, but she was disturbed by shuffling. She squinted one eye open. Louis. What the hell was he doing? He had his back to her and he was tiptoeing backwards into the office. Her brain groaned. He was up to something underhand and she couldn't be bothered with his antics right now. She silently sat up as Louis squeezed the office door closed and, almost in a pirouette, spun around and …

… And then he virtually shit himself.

"Donna!" he exclaimed in alarm.

"Louis!" she mirrored, trying not to laugh. She felt like crap, but teasing Louis could always be relied on to perk her up, even for a moment.

He stood in front of her frozen, his mouth open, his fingers gesturing wildly. He said nothing. He clamped his mouth shut before the words came out and he clammed up.

"What are you doing in here, Louis?" There was a chirpiness to her voice which signalled she was in teasing mode.

"I … uhm … nothing." He'd been caught red-handed. He felt such an idiot.

"Louis. I'm Donna." She didn't have to remind him she knew everything.

His eyes darted around the room as he tried to think of something to say. "I was just looking for Harvey."

"No you weren't." Her eyes sparkled as she enjoyed his discomfort.

He screwed his face up, his mouth disappearing into a pinhole. "Goddamn it Donna, I need something, okay. Why are you in here? I just wanted to check something."

"Spill."

"No."

"I'll tell Harvey."

"I don't care." He pursed his lips shut until his cheeks bulged like a plump apple.

"I'll also tell Harvey about June 3rd 1997."

"Goddamn it Donna, look, I just wanted his files on Carston Jung, okay. I've a chance to win them back …" He looked to his feet and waited for the reprimand like a spoilt child.

"You were going to steal one of Harvey's clients?"

His hands were gesticulating wildly, as if he thought that would get him out of the hot water he was currently boiling in. "No, no … no Donna, see they've already gone. Weeks ago. I was just trying to get them back."

"Trying to get them back. _**For you**_?"

He stood statue-like and twiddled his thumb. "Yes," he said sheepishly.

Donna was poised to give him hell, but lifting her head upright without vomiting all over Harvey's desk was enough for her to concentrate on at the moment. She just didn't have the energy to give Louis the tongue-lashing he deserved. "Just get out of here, Louis."

Louis didn't move. "What? That's it?"

She slumped on the desk, resting her head on her arm briefly before reclining backwards in the chair. Her head felt like it was floating away.

"Donna are you okay? You don't look well." Louis looked worried, but his eyes conveyed something else … distrust. Was she pulling one of her acting stunts to make him feel guilty?

Her face flushed and she knew she wouldn't be able to hang on for much longer. Her vision was blurring as she squinted at Louis who was standing nervously in front of her.

"Donna, I … I think I should get someone."

"No, I'm fine Louis." Her mouth began to water – a sensation she knew well, unfortunately. "Just pass me a trashcan."

"A trashcan?"

"Yes a trashcan, quickly!"

Louis scoured the room, then spotted Harvey's trashcan in the corner of the room. He picked it up and stuck it in front of Donna. And not a moment too soon. As soon as it was in her hands she swung around in the chair, hunched over and threw up into it.

Louis flinched. "Jesus, Donna, what's wrong with you? Or more to the point, is it catching?" He covered his mouth with his hand instinctively recoiling from the germs he expected he'd already breathed in.

She hugged the trashcan, dry-retching a couple of times, before putting it down and reclining back again. She usually felt better after being sick, but the room was still spinning around. Tears formed in her eyes as her heart raced in panic.

"Donna, I think I should call you a cab and send you home. How long have you been this sick? You must have a virus."

She couldn't focus. Her hearing had blurred to match her vision. Louis's voice sounded detached from his body as it echoed around the room. "I … I need help, Louis," she said as her porcelain skin paled even whiter, her face now ghostlike. "Please." She winced as she slumped sideways.

Louis knew this was much worse than a bug and he forgot his phobia of germs, rushing to her side. "Donna, I'm calling 911." He placed his arms around her, trying to steady her as she swayed in the chair.

And then she was gone.

She couldn't hold on any longer and the blackness engulfed her.

X X X

Donna's eyes fluttered open to find a stranger looking down at her.

"Miss Paulsen, Donna, my name is Gerry, I'm a paramedic, and this is my colleague Jenna. You fainted, then you've been drifting in and out of consciousness. Can you tell me how you're feeling now?"

Donna couldn't get her bearings. She flinched from the stranger's touch, wondering where she was. She was in shock and she still felt sick. "I … I've felt better," she stammered finally. She was lying on Harvey's sofa. She looked to the side and Louis was sitting in the armchair, bent over clasping his hands together. His face was carved deep with worry as he rested his chin on his knuckles. Jenna, the other paramedic, was kneeling on the floor with an open bag of medical equipment.

"Because you were unconscious for more than two minutes, I think its best we have a doctor take a look at you. How long have you been feeling poorly?"

She didn't want to answer. She motioned with her eyes in Louis's direction, hoping that Gerry would notice and realise she didn't want to talk in front of him.

"Was it sudden?"

Donna shook her head.

"Longer than a day."

Donna nodded her head.

"Can you tell me how long?"

Jesus did she have to spell it out? "Not with an audience I can't," she groaned.

He got it. He looked in Louis's direction and then back at Donna. He took her pulse, then continued his questions in the direction he needed to go. "Could we have some privacy for a moment please?"

Louis shot to his feet. "Of course, I'll be waiting outside," he said immediately. He didn't want to get in the way of the paramedics.

As soon as Louis left the room, Gerry turned back to Donna. "Are you pregnant?"

"Yes, almost nine weeks."

Jenna, the other paramedic, brought a blood pressure monitor forward and passed it to Gerry. He wrapped the cuff around Donna's arm and pumped the apparatus to take a reading. Donna winced as the pressure built up around her forearm. "Your blood pressure is very low, have you been eating properly?"

"No, I can't keep anything down. I'm sick all the time. It's been like this for nearly two weeks and I can't remember the last time I ate a proper meal … I … I feel really ill. And it never gets better." Tears started to fall down her face as she revealed everything to the paramedic. She could talk to a stranger so easily, but she couldn't talk to her friends and that made her sad.

"Morning sickness can be a killer sometimes! How many hours do you work here?"

"Twelve to fifteen per day."

"What?" exclaimed Jenna, a young blonde-haired paramedic in her twenties with kind eyes. "You work those hours every day?"

Donna nodded. It was the way it had always been.

Gerry felt her hands. "Your skin is clammy and your lips look dry. I think you're dehydrated."

"But I've been drinking lots of water," she protested.

"And that's been keeping you going, but it if you're throwing up all the time you're throwing up the water too. We need to get some IV fluids into you or you're going to get very poorly."

Donna nodded and sighed heavily. She didn't want to go to hospital. Not right now. Not the way things were.

"Right we need to get you out of here, do you think you can walk if we help you?"

"I don't know, I'll try."

"Do you have someone to come with you?"

"No!" she snapped.

Gerry shared a knowing look with Jenna. "Nobody knows you're pregnant here, do they?"

Donna shrugged. "Why does that matter?"

"Because if they did, and there's people here who care about you, then you wouldn't be in this state." He helped her sit up and she struggled noticeably. "Look, we really need to call somebody to come with you. Father of the baby, perhaps?"

Donna swallowed hard. "He's not around right now." That at least was technically the truth.

"Do you want us to call him?"

"No," she said, her eyes seething. "What is this?"

"It would just be better if you had somebody to come along with you. You shouldn't be on your own."

"Why, is something wrong? Is something wrong with the baby?" Her voice conveyed how fearful she had been that being sick all the time couldn't be good for her growing child.

"No, nothing like that," said Gerry. "It's you we're worried about. Look, what about that guy who called us in. We won't tell him a thing about your condition. Just let him come in the ambulance and sit with you, eh?"

'Oh shit,' she thought. 'Why did Louis have to be the only one around this afternoon?' She nodded to Gerry. "Okay, if it's okay with him, he can come.

Jenna was almost finished packing up her bag as Gerry helped Donna to her feet. She tried to stand by herself, but she stumbled. "I think we'll have to leave the shoes." He gestured to Donna's four inch high heels. She stepped out of them and Jenna picked them up.

Donna leaned on Gerry who was luckily a tall, well-built man. He opened the door and Louis stood to attention, his face still filled with concern.

"We're taking her to get checked over at hospital. Do you want to come with her?"

"Yes, yes, of course I will."

"Okay, you grab her things, I'm going to carry her because I don't think she can walk out of here, plus it will be quicker."

Louis nodded, took Donna's shoes off Jenna and picked up her handbag from under her desk. He followed the two paramedics down the hallway as quickly as he could, passing onlookers who stared, wondering what on earth was going on. "Get back to work!" hollered Louis, angry at the sideshow that had gathered.

As they got to the elevators Jessica crossed the reception in front of them, shocked at the scene in front of her. "Donna? Louis? What's going on?"

"Donna collapsed," he said to Jessica. "She was out of it for twenty minutes. I'm going to the hospital with her."

Jessica nodded in silence, her eyes wide with astonishment. Donna hadn't been herself for weeks, was this why? Worry was etched on her face as they entered the elevators, the doors closing soon after. She'd known Donna for over ten years. She'd never known her to be sick.

X X X

Donna must have dozed off when she was in the ambulance because when she opened her eyes, she was lying in a hospital bed with a worried-looking Louis sitting to her right hand side. She didn't feel sick anymore which was a good sign. She felt something heavy in her hand and she raised it to see a tube and cannula poking out from under a bandage. The tube was attached to a drip, which she realised was filling her body with fluid.

"The doctor said you should be in here for a day or two." Louis's elbows sat on her bedside and his face rested on his hands. He shifted slightly. He wanted to say something but he was stopping himself.

Donna rolled her eyes, looked at him, then looked back at the hospital ceiling. "Spit it out Louis," she said wearily. May as well get this over with.

"So," said Louis starting to speak. "So … I …"

She squinted at him again and sighed. "Louis, whatever it is, just say it."

"Okay. I'm trying. You just had me really worried back there, that's all."

Donna saw his face crumple and her demeanour softened. "Louis, I'm sorry. I know."

Then he shifted abruptly. "I'm not stupid, Donna!"

"I know you aren't stupid, Louis."

"I know you're not sick. I mean, I know you're not properly sick."

Donna's heart sank as she turned her head to look at him. "You do?"

Louis's face crumpled again. "Yeah, I guessed."

"You have?"

"Donna, just … goddamn it … don't make me say it."

"I've no idea what you're talking about Louis, so I'm afraid you're going to have to."

"You're pregnant," he practically screamed as he shot to his feet. "You're pregnant, aren't you?"

Donna held her eyes shut. It was better that way. "Yep."

Louis clamped his hand over his mouth. He guessed, but he was still surprised to hear her confirm it. "I knew it! How long have you known?"

"About a month."

"A month? Jesus Christ, Donna, why didn't you say anything? That's why you've been acting weird isn't it?"

She opened her eyes and looked at him. "I've been sick Louis, that's why I've been acting … that's why I haven't been myself."

"Is it that guy you've been seeing? Where the hell is he while all of this is happening?"

Donna really didn't want to get into this with Louis. She COULDN'T get into it with Louis, not with Harvey not knowing. She'd have to lie. "We broke up weeks ago. He doesn't know."

Louis sat back down next to her and took hold of her hand gently. Donna knew he cared about her, so she allowed herself to appreciate his touch. He was a good friend and she knew he'd do anything for her. "You're not alone, Donna," he said warmly. "Don't ever think you have to go through this by yourself. You should have said something to me, or to anyone of us. We're a family, remember?"

"I know, Louis, but this is a bad time for me … to be … isn't it?"

Louis dismissed her with a roll of his eyes, "shhh, don't say that. This is great news. You're going to have a baby, Donna … a baby! That's fantastic! You're going to be a wonderful mom and … and I'll help you. I've always wanted children, but I'm not fooling myself that that's going to happen in my life. If you need somebody to step in for that jerk, whatever his name was, then I'll do it. Whatever you need, I promise I'll be there for you, every step of the way. You're not alone, Donna."

Donna couldn't help crying at Louis's kindness and she believed every word he said. "Thank you Louis," she said.

Louis squeezed her hand tighter as his own tears started to fall. "Who else knows?" he asked.

"Just Rachel and … Gretchen."

"Gretchen? That secretive battle-axe! How the hell does she know?"

"We use the same bathroom," said Donna.

"Oh," said Louis. He opened his mouth again but nothing came out. "I know before Harvey, then?"

"Yes, but Louis it isn't a competition. Don't make anything out of this."

"I won't, I won't, I promise," he protested, but he couldn't disguise the glint of mischief in his eye. Knowing something this important before Harvey was good mileage.

"Louis, I know what you're thinking." Donna watched her friend try to disguise a devilish smile. "Please promise me you won't say anything. I need to tell everybody about this by myself. Do you understand?"

Louis nodded. "Of course, Donna," he said half-heartedly.

"Louis!" she snapped. "I'm deadly serious here. If you say anything to anyone about this before I'm ready I will never forgive you. Never."

Louis looked hurt, but he realised that this was serious and very personal. He had to behave himself – for once. "Donna, I promise I won't say anything, okay!"

"Good," she said.

"What do you want me to tell Jessica?"

"Just say I have a virus and I'm run down."

"Do you think she'll buy that?"

"Hell, I don't know Louis!" she snapped, but then instantly regretted it. This wasn't Louis's fault. He was trying to help her. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped at you. I just need to rest, Louis and …"

"Do you need me to go?"

"If you wouldn't mind. Thank you so much for being here, but I need to sleep and get all of this stuff inside me." She pointed to the drip feeding into her arm.

"I'll come back and see you tomorrow," he said as he leant over and kissed her forehead. "Have a good night."

"Thank you for everything, Louis, you're a true friend."

He smiled at her and left the room.

X X X

It was dark in the room when she opened her eyes again, with only the soft glow of the lights in the hospital corridor shining in through a small window above the door.

She felt better. She'd had a good few hours' sleep and she didn't feel nauseous anymore.

She turned over, trying to get comfortable and trying not to pull out the cannula and drip attached to her right arm.

As she turned on her side she gasped in surprise. She couldn't focus at first as it was so dark, the figure just shapes.

Slowly her eyes became accustomed to the lighting and she smiled when she saw the sleeping form of Harvey Specter sitting in an armchair in the corner of the room.

She watched him sleeping and wondered how on earth he'd managed to talk his way into her room. Who had he tricked? Who had he bribed? 'Oh god, who had he threatened to sue?'

But then she started to worry.

Had Louis told him? Did he know? No, Louis promised he wouldn't say anything and the hospital wouldn't give out private information.

She moved around in the bed realising that ultimately it didn't matter. She would have to tell him tomorrow, and from that moment on things would never be the same again for any of them.


	7. Chapter 7 - Inner Peace

THE BEST PART OF ME

CHAPTER 7 – Inner Peace

Sunlight streamed into the hospital room as Donna stirred and slowly opened her eyes, the peach voile curtains emitting an amber glow into the room. She squinted at the brightness as her vision became accustomed to the dazzling morning daylight.

He was still there. Except this time he was awake and watching her, his face different. His smile uneasy.

She eased herself up slowly, wincing at the cannula which was still stuck into her hand. It felt strange. It felt like a broken bone protruding from under skin. She flopped her head back against the pillows, her red hair listless and stringy against the crisp white cotton.

Her voice croaked with sleep. "Harvey, have you been here all night?"

The muscles in his jaw pulsed as he looked at her. "Yeah."

"It's a bit creepy you sitting there watching me sleep."

"I wanted to be here when you woke up." His mouth tweaked upwards at one corner, his eyes were smiling at her.

"How did you get in?" she whispered knowing it wasn't customary for a hospital to allow an all-night visitor.

"Specter charm and wit," he said, making her laugh. He stood up from the chair and walked around her bedside, perching on the edge of the bed. "You had us all worried." He placed his hand on hers, squeezing it reassuringly.

"I feel better now, you don't have to worry about me." She looked into his eyes, which were still smiling, but she could tell that the worry was still there.

"Louis was pretty freaked out when I got back to the office. Said he couldn't wake you for five minutes and you kept drifting in and out."

"That's what I heard." said Donna with a shrug. "I've been pretty run down."

Harvey nodded taking in her words. "Run down?" He remembered Rachel having a similar episode a couple of years ago. He'd blamed himself for working her too hard and not realising how much pressure she was under juggling work with school. But, Rachel always seemed that little bit more fragile, so seeing Donna like this was agonising for him. "I'm sorry, I feel like a complete dick. I should have realised you weren't coping and I should have done something about it. All I've been thinking about was work. I needed to put things right after the mess I'd started with Mike. I just expected you to be there beside me … like always … I didn't think for one minute …"

He looked sad and she couldn't bear him blaming herself for a condition she didn't have. "Harvey, I need to tell you something." She shifted nervously, biting her bottom lip. She hadn't expected she'd be telling him like this.

His face changed from mild concern to intense concern. "Is it bad?" He swallowed hard in dread, squeezing her hand tighter. "Is there something bad you're not telling me? Are you very ill."

"No, Harvey. I'm not ill at all, really." She watched his anguish be replaced by confusion. "I've been trying to tell you this for weeks. Then you shouted at me and I was so mad at you … then you've been working so hard and I … well I was scared of how you'd react and …" Her face dropped. "I'm still scared of how you're going to react."

He frowned. He wasn't sure he wanted to know what this was all about because he didn't want her to feel scared. He had once promised her, after the Liberty Rail case, that he'd never let anything bad happen to her and she'd never need to feel scared ever again. "Just tell me, Donna. As long as you're going to be fine, nothing else matters."

She left her hand in his and she inhaled a deep breath. "Okay," she said nervously as she locked her eyes with his.

"I'm pregnant."

Nothing.

His eyes didn't change and neither did his expression. Was this a joke?

"You're … pregnant?" He repeated her words, arching an eyebrow, half expecting her to burst out laughing because she'd fooled him. But she didn't laugh. She just waited for him to say something. He broke her gaze, withdrew his hand and stood up, looking out of the hospital room window while his brain frantically processed what she was telling him. He was stunned. He hadn't expected this at all. He put the jigsaw puzzle together in his mind, rearranging each piece to make it fit. The pregnancy tests. Rachel not being pregnant. Her uncharacteristic inefficiency. Her flip-outs. Her spending so long in the bathroom. Her vomiting in his trashcan (again). Her fainting. 'Okay, don't panic,' he thought. His stomach flipped over as the news registered with his body. It was clear to him now. Donna was pregnant. Was he going to lose her? Was she going to go back to Mitchell?

"Uhm … are you okay?" She watched him stand motionless beside her and his silence was unbearable. "What are you thinking, Harvey?"

"I don't know." He kept staring out of the window, his back to her. "Uhm … how long have you known?"

"Well, since you stumbled on Rachel with the pregnancy tests that day."

"Of course, and … uhm …?" Then it hit him. "Shit." He turned around and started pacing the small island of floor space between her bed and the wall, his hand scratching the back of his neck. "Shit."

Her brows knitted together as she watched him and her body started to tremble with nerves. This was it sinking in. Shock first. A bit of thinking next. Then the realisation.

He sat back down on the bed, his arms crossed around his body, the sunlight was bothering him as his right eye squinted half-shut. "How many weeks pregnant are you?" He'd assumed it was Mitchell, but now he was wondering.

"Almost nine weeks." She watched his mind tick away with the mental arithmetic. The same sums she'd done when she'd found out.

"Nine weeks was before 'that night'?" He waited for reassurance that his maths was correct.

"They count from your last period, not from when the baby was conceived." She realised that it had only just dawned on him that this could be down to him. She watched him stare blankly, his eyes pleading with her to tell him. "It's your baby, Harvey," she said.

He turned to face her and he licked his bottom lip as he nodded his head, his brain racing with each robotic nod as the news slowly sunk in. His eyes were vacant and his face flushed pink as he tried to process what she was telling him. "You sure?"

"Yes!" Her eyes and her tone of voice told him she was getting cross. Why was he doubting her?

"It's just … I thought … there was that other guy."

"Harvey, what are you asking me here?" She didn't know what to expect when she told him the news, but it certainly wasn't this.

He straightened his tie and stood up again, his mind whirring with … with what? Dread? Fear? Anxiety? Worry? Guilt? He hadn't ever thought that something like this could be on the cards after 'that night'. "I'm sorry. This is a lot to take in, I mean, Jesus Christ, how did this happen?"

Donna's eyes almost popped out of her head and she screwed her nose up comically. "You want to know how babies are made?"

He rolled his eyes and chewed on his bottom lip. "You know what I mean."

"Harvey, I'm not sure I do," she said, raising her voice slightly.

"Well … back then, 'that night' … I thought you were with that guy … uhm Mitchell … and you'd … you know be on the pill or something …"

"So this is my fault?" she asked him angrily. "Harvey, of all the things I expected you to say, that wasn't one of them. I don't recall you checking if I was on the pill when you were fucking me up against your office window."

They both froze as the door swung open and a nurse practically tumbled into the room. Her face was a picture as she overheard Donna's last sentence. "Uhm … I'll come back later …" she said. Then she looked at Harvey. "How did you get in here?"

"Never mind!" he said, glaring at her.

She disappeared back out the door as quickly as she could.

Harvey turned back to Donna, his heart aching as he saw how upset she was. This must be worse for her, he thought. "Donna, I didn't mean to … it's just I thought … I'm sorry, I know this is my fault, not yours, I do know that. I wasn't thinking about the possibility of this happening 'that night', I just assumed … and I assumed wrong … and that's all down to me. Hell, I didn't even know Mitchell wasn't in the picture anymore until last week. You never mentioned him." He was rambling, but he needed to tell her what was on his mind. "It's been eating me up. What happened 'that night'. I had become 'that guy' and I'd made you my mother. That's why …" He searched her face trying to work out if she understood what he was saying to her or whether he was making her more cross. "… That's part of the reason I just wanted to push it to one side and forget. I told you it was a one off because I wanted to believe it was a one off myself. But that doesn't mean I wanted it to be a one off because with you I … uhm … I mean I couldn't bear that I'd done that with you when you were seeing someone."

"Oh, Harvey, why didn't you say?" The pieces of her own jigsaw puzzle fell into place too. 'Was this why he hadn't said anything?' "It was never a big 'thing' with Mitchell. Not really. We broke up in the middle of Mike's trial, weeks before 'that night'. You didn't need to feel guilty."

He took in her words and a sense of relief washed over him. A transitory relief. There was still a gigantic elephant in the room. "Why did it take you so long to tell me you were pregnant?"

"I was petrified, Harvey." Her eyes filled up as she remembered back to those early days when she first found out. "I needed to get used to the idea myself. Then … well when you thought Rachel was pregnant you said Mike would have been happy about it because he wasn't like you. You said a baby would be your worst nightmare."

Her voice broke as she talked and he felt like an insensitive bastard. No wonder she'd ended up in such a state. "Donna … I … I don't know what to say. Did I really say that? I can't even remember."

She nodded her head. "Yes, and I got scared and, well, then I got sick. I was going to tell you tonight actually. After you'd cooked me a dinner that I'd probably have thrown up in your toilet."

He twisted his mouth. "It's that bad?" He winced at the thought of her being so sick.

"Yeah. The doctor said I have hyperemesis gravidarum, which basically means excessive vomiting." She pronounced the hideous long name for her condition perfectly as she'd been practicing it. "Apparently mine isn't the worst case they've seen, but that's what's put me in here with this drip hanging out of my hand."

"Oh. That sounds terrible." He gulped with sympathy as he considered what being permanently nauseous must be like. "What can they do?"

"Just monitor me and if I still can't keep anything down after I go home, they'll just have to keep feeding me fluids through an IV."

"You look worse than I've ever seen you."

"Cheers, Harvey," she said jokingly. It was a stupid thing to say, but just like him.

"I'm sorry … I … I just don't know what to say to you. I want to say all the right things, but I'm … this feels weird. It's like I'm in an alternate universe. It doesn't feel real."

"Do you feel happy?" she asked tentatively, her eyes pleading with him to give her something back that she'd like to hear.

He felt the urge to lie, but he opted for the truth. "I honestly don't know. I think I'm just stunned that this has happened. Who else knows?"

"Well, Rachel knows everything."

"She knows about me?"

"Yes. I needed to talk to someone, Harvey."

He dismissed her reply with a wave of the hand. "Yeah, I'm sorry, I know. I don't mind Rachel knowing. I find it odd I've just spent three days with her in Boston and she didn't let anything slip, but I don't mind."

"Gretchen knows too."

"Gretchen?" He was surprised. He could hear his ex-secretary tutting away over his behaviour and he laughed. "Bet that made her day."

"Leave her alone, she's been sweet," she said with a chuckle. Then she lowered her voice to a whisper. "Oh, and Louis too."

"Louis? LOUIS!" he yelled. "How? You told him before me?"

She laughed at his words without meaning to. Louis had revelled in knowing her news before Harvey. 'So, totally not a competition guys!' she thought. "Don't worry he thinks its Mitchell's … and I allowed him to think it was, so he doesn't know about you."

"Well I don't want him to think it's Mitchell's! I want him to know it's mine."

Her eyebrows arched in surprise. "You do?"

"You're damned right I do! It's my … baby …" His voice trailed off as soon as the words left his mouth and the magnitude of the situation hit him again. 'His baby.' Two words he had never contemplated he would ever say. "Donna, this is … huge. Really, really huge."

"Do you need a day?" she quipped, using one of Louis's best lines.

"I think I need a month. I've never really thought about being a dad." Then his face changed and he smiled warmly. "I can't wait to tell my brother. He'll be made up."

She smiled back at him. "And what about us? How do you feel about us … uhm … doing this?"

"Shit, Donna, I don't know," he said despairingly and her heart sank back into her stomach again. "It's up to you I guess, how do you want to play this?"

"I don't know, Harvey." She really needed him to step up to the plate, but she knew he'd need a bit of time to adjust. She'd have to give him that. "Why don't we just carry on the way things are for now? Just keep saying I'm run down?"

"Okay, if that's what you think's best."

"Okay, but we can't keep it a secret for very much longer. I'm too sick and soon I'll be too fat."

Harvey jolted to his feet again. "Shit, I hadn't thought about that."

Donna chuckled. "Oh and yes, you're going to have to buy me a whole new wardrobe."

"So long as you don't start wearing smocks."

She grimaced comically. "Are you serious? Donna in a maternity smock? How dare you!"

His whole face melted into a big, warm smile as he saw a hint of Donna's 'Donna-ness' returning to the fray. "We'll talk properly when you get out of here." He squeezed her hand in his again. Then he let his fingers linger as he traced circles on her wrist. "It'll be okay, don't worry. I don't want you to worry about this."

Donna took in his words and felt relieved that 'telling him' was finally over. And it hadn't been half as bad as she'd expected. She felt like a giant weight had been lifted from around her neck and her body responded by giving her a sickness reprieve. She looked at him as he touched her hand softly. He looked lost in thought. "What is it, Harvey?" she asked him gently.

"I'm happy."

Her heart skipped a beat at his words and she felt her eyes glaze over. "Good," she said, smiling.

"Good," he repeated and he kissed her softly on the forehead, then paused over her. "I'll come back later."

She nodded as a tear fell from her eye and rolled down her cheek. He noticed and wiped it away gently. "Hey, no crying. I'm going to fix this. But you have to promise to talk to me straight away about everything. Don't keep things from me again. You know I hate it when you keep things from me."

She nodded. "I promise."

He kissed her again before he left and then she fell back to sleep. She felt peace. The inner peace that she'd been yearning to find for weeks.


	8. Chapter 8 - Stepping Up

THE BEST PART OF ME

CHAPTER 8 – Stepping Up

Rice!

Finally, Donna had found something she could keep down. Stodgy, sticky jasmine rice. She brought a microwaveable pouch to work for her lunch and she was finding lots of wonderful ways to dress up a plain bowl to have for dinner.

Rice and water wasn't the most interesting of diets, but at least she wasn't dehydrated or starving anymore.

Noodles worked too. As long as they were plain. And for breakfast, dried toast. Her cupboards at home and her drawers at work were stocked full of vitamins she hoped would give her and her baby all of the vital goodness she was missing out on by only eating carbs.

She'd been released from the hospital after a couple of days, then she'd spent a week visiting her parents who, although not 'together' anymore, were still on friendly terms. They had been pleased about the baby, but not pleased she was becoming a single mom. Donna passed off the baby's father as 'just some guy' she'd been dating and told them both they weren't together anymore. Her mom had cried. It wasn't through disappointment, it was through worry. She didn't want her baby girl to be struggling through life. Her dad had been different. He knew there was something she wasn't telling them. Donna knew he was suspicious about the 'father' issue. She could tell by the way he looked at her and she could tell by the thinly disguised questions he'd asked her about Harvey. He was definitely wondering, so she did her best to throw him off the scent.

A week had passed since she'd returned to work and she was now eleven weeks pregnant. The pregnancy symptoms were still as strong as ever, but she was getting used to them. She knew that it was her body's response to the healthy baby that was growing inside her.

The fact that she was having a baby. An actual real-life, living, breathing baby, was still something she couldn't get used to. Nothing about this seemed real yet. Although her body had already changed, there was still no sign of a 'bump', and she hoped she'd feel differently once she could see there was definitely something inside her belly. All she had to show for her condition so far was sickness and tiredness. She'd actually lost weight, through the nausea, instead of putting it on.

The fact that she didn't feel an attachment worried her too. She didn't feel like she was going to be a mom. She didn't know what being pregnant should feel like, or if what she was feeling – detachment – was normal at this stage, but she wasn't experiencing the elation that surely should come with having a baby.

Harvey hadn't helped. She had returned from visiting her parents a week ago and hoped he'd sorted his head out, but he hadn't – not even close. He was working over 15 hours every day. Some nights he slept in his office. They had had no time to talk, except for him checking she was feeling well and insisting she went home at 5.00pm every day. She didn't know if he was happy or unhappy. Things were just as they'd always been and he had offered one-word answers and fake smiles every time she'd brought her pregnancy up with him.

At lunchtime she went to the kitchen and heated up yet another pouch of organic jasmine rice. God she was tired of eating it, but she couldn't stop. It was the only thing she could hold down which also settled her stomach. One pouch = four hours break from her all-day nausea. It wasn't as much lunch as it was medicine.

"Afternoon, Donna," said Louis as he strolled animatedly into the kitchen. "You're glowing this morning."

"Am I, Louis?" She didn't feel 'glowing' and she knew she'd looked better – in fact she'd looked better practically every day of her life previously.

"Absolutely you're glowing." He ignored he suspicious glare and smiled warmly at her, then he grabbed a raspberry bran bar out of the cupboard from a box marked 'Property of Louis Litt. Hands Off!'

"Thank you, Louis," she said as she took a seat at the table. She knew the compliment was Louis's attempt at making her feel better.

"Can I join you?" he asked. Pouring himself a glass of dark red mixed fresh fruit juice.

She nodded and pointed to the adjacent seat as she flipped over the contents of her bowl, trying to cool the piping hot grains of rice.

Louis screwed his face up. "You still eating that? Carbs aren't great Donna. You're practically living on carbs. My aunt Glenda lives on carbs and she has an ass the size of Wisconsin."

Donna practically choked on her rice. "Thanks for that, Louis, but, it's the only thing I can keep down."

"Oh, I'm sorry for that, Donna."

She motioned away his apology with a flip of her hand as she ate another mouthful of rice. He was watching her intently as she ate. She knew there was something on his mind. "Spit it out, Louis," He opened his mouth, then clamped it shut again. Then opened it again. Then shut it again. She rolled her eyes and groaned. "Either speak to me or go, Louis. You're putting me off my lunch and you're weird-ing me out!" He opened his mouth and kept it open. She stared at him, slightly amused, her eyes huge as she wondered if he was ever going to breathe. "LOUIS! SPEAK!"

"Okay, okay!" He looked around the kitchen to check they were alone. "I was wondering if you would like me to step up."

"Step up?" She was totally bewildered. "Step up to what?"

"Look, Donna, do you remember when you were in the hospital and you told me …" He looked around the room again then lowered his voice to a whisper. "… About the baby?"

"Yes," she said. Pausing with dread as she held a spoonful of rice in mid-air, half way to her mouth.

"Well, I can help. I want to help you. You know, there's hospital appointments, getting things for the nursery, then there's all kinds of equipment, oh and those classes where they teach you how to breathe. I could come with you to them. I'll even be there at the birth if you want, I've bought books."

"You've bought … books?" She was astonished, yet slightly petrified, by Louis's enthusiasm.

"Yes, six of them. I've been learning everything I need to know. You're eleven weeks pregnant which means your baby is the size of a lime, did you know that? And it already has little tiny tooth buds in its mouth … oh and some of its bones are hard already. It's amazing isn't it? A little tiny human with hands that can open and close …" Suddenly, his face dropped. "Donna, what's wrong?"

She had put down her spoon and she was staring at him. She blinked and tears streamed down her face. She covered her mouth and tried to compose herself, but it was too late.

"Oh shit, Donna … what have I said?"

She gestured with her hands as well as her eyes that he hadn't done anything wrong, but she couldn't stop crying. 'Damn these emotions!' She was sick of crumpling into a heap. This wasn't 'Donna'. Donna didn't do this.

"Donna, I'm sorry," pleaded Louis as he watched her cry. "I'm really sorry." He didn't know what to do to make it better. He wanted to give her a hug but he didn't dare.

"It's not you, it's me," she said finally, choking back her tears. "You're such a good friend, Louis."

Now it was Louis's turn to tear up. He swallowed hard and waited for her to speak. He didn't have a clue how he'd upset her.

"It's just all of these lovely things you've done and thought about. I haven't even thought about those things myself. I didn't know how big the baby was or if it even had hands yet. You've reminded me that I'm alone and I don't want to be alone. The baby's father hasn't …" She hesitated before she continued. She still wanted Louis to believe Mitchell was the baby's father, and definitely, certainly didn't want him to know the truth. "… well he hasn't had much to say about it."

"You've told him about the baby?" he asked in surprise. He knew Donna and Mitchell weren't an item anymore.

"Yes, I told him." She continued to talk about Harvey while pretending she was referring to Mitchell. "That bit was easy, but … now he can't come to terms with it. So that means I'm alone. I can't get excited and I can't book classes or any of the things pregnant women do because I don't want to do those things on my own. I don't feel like this is happening to me and … I feel numb … and I don't think I'm going to be very good at this. In fact I think I'll be bad. I'm going to be a terrible mother. I didn't even know my baby was the size of a lime!"

Louis's heart broke. He hated to see Donna upset and now he hated this useless Mitchell. If that jerk couldn't look after Donna in the way she deserved, then he was going to make sure he did. "Donna, you are the smartest, most beautiful, most compassionate woman I have ever met in my entire life. I don't know anybody with a heart as big as yours. You're going to be an awesome mom. I don't doubt that, not for one second. It's hard now and I'm sure it feels strange, but you just wait and see. When you hold your tiny baby in your arms you're going to love him or her so much and you'll forget all about this other stuff. None of it matters."

Donna smiled at Louis as she cried. She appreciated him so much. "Thank you Louis, you don't know how much that means to me. How much you mean to me."

Louis smiled and nodded warmly. Donna was his best friend and he cared about her so much. He finished his last mouthful of bran bar and his last gulp of juice. "I'll let you finish your carbs in peace," he said as he stood to leave.

"Thanks … and Louis, I'll keep you posted on the … uhm … stepping up," she called after him as he left the kitchen.

He turned around and grinned "I'll do anything for you, Donna, you only need to ask."

"Yes, I know, Louis. No birth though!"

"Why not?"

"Louis?" she exclaimed arching her perfectly defined eyebrows. She couldn't believe he was being serious. "I just think it might be a little bit inappropriate …"

"Okay, well it's up to you. You know where I am if you change your mind!"

She watched him leave and thought about their exchange with a mixture of emotions. She was so happy she had Louis for a friend, but she was devastated she wasn't anywhere near having the conversation she'd just had with him with Harvey.

X X X

Harvey was out of the office at meetings for the rest of the afternoon. She needed to talk to him. She'd been ordered to leave the office at 5.00pm, as was usual since her spell in the hospital, but it was now 6.30pm and she wasn't going to go home until she'd spoken to him.

The minutes ticked away as she waited at her cubicle, finishing off a stack of filing that she'd scheduled to do tomorrow.

"Donna, why are you still here?"

She swung around in her chair and looked into the very worried, dark brown eyes of Rachel Zane. "I'm just waiting for Harvey."

"Oh," said Rachel as she came around Donna's cubicle and leaned on her desk. "Is he still …?"

"Avoiding?" asked Donna. Rachel nodded. "Yep. And I'm getting tired of it. He's had almost three weeks to sort himself out and he's barely acknowledged it … or me. I don't know what I want from him, but I know I can't go on like this."

"I'm sorry Donna." Rachel wasn't surprised. This was classic Harvey behaviour. "I imagine Harvey will need more time than most to get used to something like this."

"Yeah, well maybe he does, but I need to talk to him. I need to know what he's feeling."

"Hah! Good luck with that." Rachel laughed but instantly wished she hadn't when she noticed the look on Donna's face.

"What do you mean, 'good luck with that'?"

Rachel's heart sank. This was already a sore point with Donna and she didn't want to make things worse by being flippant. "I just mean he finds feelings impossible to talk about, doesn't he?"

"So what do you suggest I do?"

"I don't know, Donna, but maybe you'll have to think about what you're going to do if Harvey just can't be the person you want him to be."

"Why are you saying this? Is this about Mike?"

Rachel was gobsmacked. And she was wounded. Donna's words stung at her eyes and she instinctively clutched her hand to her chest. "What? No!"

"Is this because Harvey's still here, he isn't in prison and he's going to have the family you and Mike wanted?" Donna was hurt and angry. Rachel had fired an arrow and it had hit at the centre of her fear and insecurity.

Rachel stood up and walked away but then she stopped and turned around. "You know Donna, I've been trying really hard. REALLY hard to get on with my life. I lost my entire world when Mike went to prison and that happened because he chose to save Harvey. And you, and everybody else. You've barely asked me how I am in weeks. Then you … you screwed Harvey and you got yourself into this mess and I've been with you every single step of the way despite the fact that … that I'm hurting. And I'm hurting more than you know because you've never asked. So …" She fought back her tears as she spoke, her body trembling with rage. "… So maybe you should remember that there are other people around here with problems too and just deal with your own goddamn mess. Oh, and don't you ever … ever speak to me like that again."

There was nothing Donna could say. She'd been a shitty friend and she knew it. "… Rach, I'm sorry … I …"

"Save it, Donna!" spat Rachel as she walked away. "After everything I've done for you."

X X X

It was after 7.00pm when Harvey finally arrived back in the office. He stalked the corridor and froze when he saw her, his face flushing red. "Donna, what the hell …?" he said as he came up to her desk. "I told you to leave two hours ago. You need to look after yourself a hell of a lot better than this."

"I wanted to talk to you." Her voice was steady but her insides were churning. Her fight with Rachel had done nothing to help her frayed nerves.

He walked away from her, entering his office. "Talk then," he called behind him.

She stood up and followed him, practically slamming the door off its hinges as she entered his office.

Harvey jolted and spun around. His eyes grew wide as he noticed she was upset. He exhaled and shook his head. "What have I done now?"

"It's not what you've done, Harvey, as always it's what you haven't done!"

"Okay, what haven't I done now?"

She stood before him with tears rolling down her cheeks and still he didn't do or say anything to comfort her. She crossed her arms around her body. Her sky blue dress fading into the whiteness of her skin. "I need you to tell me how you're feeling."

"Donna … I …"

"No! Don't trail off. Don't avoid it! Just tell me. I need to know … I … need to know if I'm going to be on my own."

He closed the gap between them and held her by her forearms, turning her around to look at him. She could see a glimmer of something in his dark eyes … was it worry? Was it guilt? She could deal with any of those things so long as it wasn't apathy. She couldn't bear his indifference. Or his pity.

"I just need you to talk to me Harvey."

"I know," he said as his own eyes watered. "I know, I just can't seem to deal with this."

"Why not? Have you spoken to Dr. Agard?"

He let go of her arms and bristled. "No, I haven't. Donna, just because I had therapy once, doesn't mean I'm a rambling nutjob who needs to run to a psychiatrist every time something major happens in my life."

"I know it doesn't, Harvey, but she could help you."

"I don't need help, I just need time!" His voice was angry now and he walked around his desk and sat down, shuffling some papers and generally trying to 'look busy'.

Donna walked towards him, not giving up. "Harvey, you know … well, I was talking to Louis today. He still doesn't know the baby is yours and he thinks I'm doing this on my own. Maybe I am doing this on my own, but you know what he said to me? He said he'd step up and help me. He said he'd do anything for me. He's read pregnancy books and he's talking about going to birth classes with me … I just need you to … do the same."

"Donna, I've told you before. If you want someone to hold your hand and give you a hug, go to Louis. If you want someone to fix things, then that is what I do. So by all means get yourself signed up to baby classes and take Louis with you."

She turned away, her eyes red and her whole body trembling with rage. She felt like walking away but something inside of her made her continue. She wasn't letting this go. "Why are you being like this, Harvey? And how the hell do you plan to fix this, if fixing is what you do so well?"

"I'll goddamn tell you how!" He stood up and picked up a document from his desk, shoving it in front of her. "Here! This is an apartment on the fifth floor of my building. I was going to buy it for you because it has two bedrooms and your apartment only has one. Oh, and here …" he picked up a whole pile of documents. "This is a deposit account for the baby with a million dollars in trust, and here's another one for you with a credit card to use for anything you need. Here are the details of the best obstetrician in New York City – he's yours if you want him. Finally, here …" he pulled out a slim book with a photograph of a laughing baby on the front cover. "A goddamn pregnancy book. I've only read the first three chapters. I don't know if I'll finish it, but I'm trying."

Donna was stunned that he'd done all of this. This was him thinking he was doing his best, but falling way short of the mark in understanding what it actually was she needed from him. "I don't need your money, Harvey. The only thing I need is you and so does the baby."

She left his office and went home, leaving him staring after her, wondering how on earth he was going to put this right.

X X X

Donna had been home for less than an hour when she heard a knock at her door.

She groaned and pushed away her bowl of ribbon noodles. She was feeling sick tonight, the arguments with both Rachel and Harvey hadn't helped the horrible swimming feeling in her stomach, in fact the tension had made her feel much worse.

She opened the door to Harvey. She expected it would be him, and she moved inside the room to let him come in.

Harvey took off his coat and went straight to her kitchen cupboards to get a drink.

"Help yourself," she said.

He didn't respond as he poured a glass of scotch into a tumbler. "Do you want anything?"

"I can't drink alcohol, Harvey."

"Sorry, I'm stupid." She didn't disagree.

He walked back into the sitting room and sat down on her silver-grey sofa, taking a swig of the scotch.

She sat down next to him and pulled her legs under her. She hadn't changed from work yet and he noticed how short her sky blue dress was when she sat down, displaying a noticeable portion of her alabaster thighs.

"Donna, I'm just going to have to come straight out and say this and it's probably going to be all wrong, but I have no choice."

Her heart beat faster in her chest as he spoke, betraying how scared she was that he was going to tell her he wasn't going to be able to give her what she wanted. She nodded once and waited for him to continue.

"Okay, I don't know what to do. I honestly don't. I haven't felt like this since Mike's trial. Well, actually this is worse than Mike's trial because back then I could at least do something, but with this … I … I don't know if I can do it."

"What do you mean, Harvey?"

"I mean I think I'd be a terrible father, Donna." His face was creased with sadness. "I … I don't think I can be that person."

"You already are that person," she said gently, although her heart was breaking. "You already are a father."

"Donna, I know that and I'm terrified." He swigged another mouthful of scotch. "When you told me in the hospital I was shocked, but I thought 'okay, I've done this so I have to make it right'. That's why I looked for the apartment for you and made sure you were okay financially. I don't know how else to help you. I want you to be happy, but I'm a mess and you're never going to be happy … with me."

She sighed and shifted uncomfortably on the sofa, trying to pull her short skirt down over her knees but failing. She wasn't feeling her best. Her noodles were threatening to emerge from her stomach and her forearms and neck ached with stress. She took in his words which weren't all that surprising to hear. This was same-old, same-old Harvey. "You don't know what kind of father you'd be Harvey. I just wish …" Her stomach groaned as she talked and she instinctively put her hand to her mouth trying to calm the nausea.

"What? You wish what?"

Donna inhaled deeply and pulled her hair to one side. "… I just wish you would have faith in yourself." Those words, spoken to him, were becoming a mantra.

And so was vomiting.

She jolted to her feet and ran to the bathroom. "Back in a min…" she called.

She made it just in time, falling to her knees and throwing up her entire dinner into the toilet. The second she was done she sobbed. She felt dreadful. Her head was spinning, her body was aching and she felt rung out through fighting. Her earlier argument with Rachel was playing on her mind. And Harvey? Well Harvey was killing her.

She stood up to wash her hands and she felt uncomfortable. There was a wetness on her legs and a strange dampness at the top of her thighs. She worried in case she'd vomited on herself but then she saw it and she grabbed onto the sink as the shock slammed into her.

Her thighs were streaked red with blood and she fell to her knees in panic, her heart racing as she realised what this meant. She was eleven weeks pregnant. She wasn't in the 'safe zone'.

She had to know.

She pushed her hand inside her panties and felt it. Her heart almost stopped as she gasped for air, her world spiralling out of control once more and her body convulsing with fear.

She didn't dare look at her hand at first, but she could feel it was wet.

She screamed his name and he was there in seconds.

He took hold of her shaking body and he saw the blood on her hands as she cried uncontrollably.

This couldn't be happening. Not now. Not after she'd been sick for so long. Not when they were finally getting somewhere. 'Please don't let this be taken away from me,' she thought.

She couldn't lose everything.


	9. Chapter 9 - Fear of Loss

THE BEST PART OF ME

CHAPTER NINE – Fear of Loss

Donna had never been so afraid in her entire life.

All this time she had been worrying that she wasn't feeling the way she 'should' be feeling. She felt sick as opposed to pregnant and the baby seemed like something abstract and intangible. An invader of her body, as opposed to something she held lovingly in her heart. She knew it was there, but it had never felt 'real'. She was pregnant, but she didn't feel like a mother. She didn't feel like she was going to have a child.

Even now as she sat in the back of Harvey's Lexus, sweatpants covering the streaks of blood on her legs, it didn't feel real.

But if it didn't feel real, then why couldn't she stop her legs from shaking? Why was her stomach burning with fear? Why was her heart beating fast and heavy inside her ribcage? Why was she gripping Harvey's arm as tight as she could, terrified of letting go, because letting go of him meant losing him and losing him meant losing everything?

They got to the hospital in no time. Ray raced through the city streets at Harvey's frantic request, cutting up other cars and suffering the agitated beeps of taxis as he zipped in front of them, charging through the brightly lit streets of Manhattan.

Harvey felt helpless and he felt petrified. He hadn't come to terms with becoming a father yet and he felt guilty that this was happening before he'd even had a chance to … to what? To be happy? He knew it had already happened. He knew his baby was gone and he felt totally responsible. How the hell would he be able to help Donna heal from this? How would he be able to look her in the eye knowing he had made this happen? This was all his fault. She had been sick for so long and all he'd done was heap more and more stress upon her. He'd caused this. Her poor body hadn't been able to cope under the onslaught of his failure to be there for her.

He helped her into the hospital, put her on a seat and marched straight up to the ER reception. It was a Friday night and it was busy, the waiting area full of people nursing a variety of injuries and ailments. The receptionist looked up at him, poised to take down details of his complaint. "It's my friend," he said. "She's eleven weeks pregnant and bleeding. She needs to see someone."

"Okay, can you take a seat, please? We have some forms to fill out and we'll need her insurance details."

"No, there's no time for that!" Harvey raised his voice and thudded the reception desk with his palms. His fear was getting the better of him and if someone didn't act immediately he was going to blow. "Look, none of these things matter. I'll pay you. Whatever it costs to get someone here, right now, just goddamn make it happen!"

The receptionist looked over at Donna sympathetically, then turned back to Harvey. "We'll be as quick as we can, sir. Please take a seat and somebody will be with you shortly."

Harvey nodded and he returned to sit next to Donna. She wasn't saying anything. She was staring blankly around the room, frozen and petrified. 'Maybe this was for the best', she thought. She'd already convinced herself that they'd both make terrible parents.

They had sat in silence for five minutes when a nurse came up to them and ushered them into an examination room. She had brought all of the forms Donna needed to fill out and taken the details of her obstetrician. Donna had only seen Dr. Walker once. She was due to see her again in a few days for her first scan. She realised that wouldn't be happening now. She hadn't even heard her baby's heartbeat. The baby had gone and she knew nothing about it. She didn't know if it was a boy or a girl. Whether it would have brown hair or red hair. She didn't know what kind of person it would grow up to be. All she knew was that it had lived to be the size of a lime and its hands could open and close. That's all. And she only knew that because Louis had told her. This was all her fault. This was her fault for not being thankful. She hadn't appreciated how lucky she was to be having a baby. Not once. It served her right that her baby had … had died.

"What's going to happen now?" said Harvey to the nurse after she collected all of Donna's details.

"A doctor will be with your shortly to check you over." The nurse spoke gently and her eyes were full of compassion and sympathy. Donna knew she knew. Harvey knew she knew. Their baby was gone.

The nurse left the room leaving Donna a hospital gown to put on.

"Do you want me to go while you change?"

Donna shook her head. She couldn't move. Her body was exhausted, drained, sick and shaking with fear. "Could you help me?" she pleaded weakly.

Harvey nodded and helped her out of her top, pulling the gown over her front and tying the tags at the back for her. Then she stood up and pulled down the rest of her clothes. The blood was still there. She'd put on clean panties before leaving for the hospital and she saw fresh streaks on her underwear, but the blood was brown now, not bright red. She didn't know what that meant, but she didn't dare hope for good news.

There was a knock on the door before it opened and a doctor entered. She introduced herself as Dr. Vasquez and she was a little older than Donna and Harvey, with curly brown hair pinned up high on top of her head. The doctor pushed her glasses onto the top of her head and read through Donna's notes. When she'd finished reading she put her glasses back on her nose and pulled up another chair.

"Okay, Miss Paulsen and … Mr Paulsen, is it?"

"Harvey Specter. I'm the baby's father."

Dr. Vasquez nodded her head. She had the same look on her face as the nurse. Sympathy. Donna hated sympathy. She enjoyed being the centre of attention, but not when the attention was bad attention. "So, you've had a bleed?" Dr. Vasquez asked Donna.

Donna nodded. She was still trembling. She couldn't stop her legs shaking and the vibrations were making her teeth chatter. "There was red blood to begin with, but now it's brown."

"Okay and do you have any pain?"

"What kind of pain?"

"Any cramping maybe? Similar to period cramps?"

Donna shook her head.

"Any back pain?"

"No, I don't have any pain at all."

"Well, that could be a good sign, Miss Paulsen," said Dr. Vasquez.

"But you don't think it's a good sign, do you?"

"Why do you say that?" said Dr. Vasquez, peering inquisitively over the blue rim of her glasses.

"I can tell. You're smiling and you're saying all the right things, but your eyes are saying something else. Your eyes are telling me this rarely ends well."

Harvey sighed. Donna was doing her 'Donna shit'. And she was never wrong.

"Okay, I'll level with you," said Dr. Vasquez. "Bleeding at any time during pregnancy needs to be checked out and it's often a cause of concern, but it's also very common. The fact you haven't got any pain is a good sign, but that doesn't necessarily mean everything is alright because the cramping could start later. Your age is also a concern, but that doesn't mean that women in their forties don't have healthy babies every day, because they do."

Donna took in the information slowly. She had resigned herself to having lost her baby, but now she was daring to hope. She looked at Harvey and he still look frightened. She hadn't seen him like this since his dad's death. His eyes were glossy and his face was flushed, veins in his neck pulsing with tension. He'd taken off his overcoat and jacket and had rolled his sleeves up. Even the veins in his arms looked angry.

"Have you had an ultrasound yet?"

"No, I had one booked in for Tuesday."

"Okay, well we'll bring that forward to today and we'll get you checked over thoroughly. We have a screen in here, but I'll need to bring the machine through and set up. Can you lie on the bed and get comfortable for me? I'll be back in a moment."

The doctor left the room and Donna turned to Harvey. "What are you thinking?"

"I don't know, Donna I'm pretty scared." He threaded his fingers together, resting his elbows on his knees. "I'm sorry … I'm not saying the right things again am I?"

She walked over to the bed and climbed on. "I don't think there's a right thing to say."

He followed her and perched on the side of the bed, taking hold of her hand. He looked into her grief-stricken eyes and his composure drifted away, tears falling down his face leaving a river of dampness.

"I'm sorry," she said as she watched him struggling with his emotions. There were times she wanted to scream at him to just 'feel' something. But there were other times, like now, when he succumbed and it broke her heart. Harvey breaking down was worse than anybody else in her world breaking down.

His eyes flicked open and he squeezed her hand tighter. "Hey, you have nothing to be sorry for. It's me who should be saying sorry. Donna, I know I've been a dick. I've been a fucking self-centred, useless dick. I wish I could go back. You deserve so much better than this. You'd have been better off if Mitchell had been the baby's father … I mean … I couldn't even …" his voice trailed off as he became consumed with guilt. "… I couldn't even be there for you."

"I should have given you more time."

"I shouldn't need time. I should … I should just be a fucking grown-up and … shit …" He wiped another tear from his face and swallowed hard. "I wish I'd done this differently. I've left you to deal with it by yourself and that makes me a complete fucking ball-less bastard. I promise you … I promise that if by some miracle I get a second chance here, then I'm going to step up. I'll see Dr. Agard like you said. I'll sort it out, not by trying to fix it or by throwing money at it, but by being there for you."

Dr. Vasquez entered the room before Donna could respond to him, pushing an ultrasound scanner through the door on a trolley. Donna's heart sank as she realised this was it. This was when they'd find out if their baby was still alive. The doctor pushed the machine to the opposite side of the bed to where Harvey was sitting and started pushing buttons and plugging in wires.

After a couple of minutes she was ready. She placed a sheet over Donna's lower body and asked her to push up her gown. She held up a white tube. "This is gel for the ultrasound. It's going to feel cold and I'm going to have to push the scanner down hard into your pelvis to get a reading because the baby is still very small."

Donna prepared herself as the doctor squirted the icy gel onto her abdomen. She lay back on the bed, her heart was racing so fast that she thought it might explode as the scanner met with her skin and Dr. Vasquez ran the instrument over her lower abdomen, poking just above her pubic bone.

Harvey watched the doctor's face intently as she pushed and prodded the scanner into Donna's belly, from one side to the other, up and down. Donna winced involuntarily as the doctor pressed deeply into her and he squeezed her hand as tight and as reassuringly as he could. His eyes never left the doctor's face. He was waiting for her expression to change.

And then it did.

A vague upturn at the corner of the left side of her mouth. Just under a small mole which was now raised upward under the woman's eye which was fixed upon the monitor in front of her. His heart missed a beat. Had he seen her smile? He dared to hope …

Donna hadn't seen. She was concentrating on the lights in the ceiling. Counting the number of square tiles between each square grid of light.

"There's your baby." The doctor turned the screen around to face them.

Donna's eyes fluttered open as she stared at the image in front of her. A black screen with a white blob in the middle. The blob was jumping around the screen. No it was somersaulting around the screen and she laughed and cried out loud in response as she watched until she couldn't see any more due to her tears.

"Wow, Donna, look at our baby," said Harvey. He was grinning from ear to ear as he stared in awe at the image on the screen.

Dr. Vasquez passed Donna some tissues before continuing with the scan. "I'm just going to take a few measurements." She pressed a button and a cross appeared on the screen at the top of the baby's head. The doctor giggled as she dug the scanner further into Donna's abdomen. "I'm sorry for pushing, your baby is very active at the moment. He … or she … is refusing to sit still for me to take my readings."

Donna dabbed her eyes with the tissue and tried to focus on the screen. She watched another cross appear lower down and she saw feet and hands jiggling about just like Louis had said. Perfectly formed. Perfect in every way. She looked over at Harvey who was transfixed, his eyes glued to the monitor as his baby cartwheeled inside Donna's belly. His smile was so wide he looked like the Cheshire cat.

"Your baby is four centimetres long so that puts it at more or less exactly eleven weeks gestation," reported Dr. Vasquez. Donna breathed a small sigh of relief. Date confirmed. Harvey present. No more doubts over that. "Your due date should be 16th March, is that right?"

"Dr. Walker worked it out as the 17th March."

"That's pretty good. Sometimes our dates are way off. We always go by the ultrasound date so we'll enter the 16th on your file." The doctor ran the scanner around again, squeezing another small blob of gel onto Donna's belly. "This is your baby's face. Eye sockets. Nose. Mouth … ah, look, he's opening his mouth, can you see?"

"No," said Donna, squinting at the screen.

"Yeah, I can see it," said Harvey. "There, look, that white line is its jaw, right?"

"Yes, that's right," said the doctor.

"Harvey, how the hell can you make that out?" said Donna in disbelief. He looked at her and pursed his lips comically.

"This is your baby's spine." The doctor clicked a few more crosses onto the screen, then she followed that with a few more taps of buttons on the console. "Hands with five fingers and … feet with five toes, can you see?"

"No," said Donna.

Harvey rolled his eyes at her. "Seriously? Maybe you need glasses."

"I don't need glasses, Harvey!" Donna's eyes narrowed to slits as she concentrated with everything she had on the image in front of her. She could make out her baby's head and torso, but everything else was hazy speckles and a series of various white marks and black circles. Maybe she did need glasses.

"Your placenta is actually quite low down," said the doctor.

"What does that mean?" Donna knew what a placenta was … vaguely, but had no clue what the position of it meant.

"It means that could be the reason for the bleed, although I don't think its so low down it would cause a problem." The doctor continued to run the scanner over different areas of Donna's abdomen, pushing hard at either side of her pelvis. "I don't see a bleed site, so I think we're good."

"So, why did it happen?" asked Harvey tentatively.

"Could be any one of a hundred reasons," said the doctor. "Some women bleed throughout their pregnancy and we never find out why. So, we'll probably never know. As I said when you came in, bleeding is common at all stages of pregnancy and there's often no explanation. If the blood is brown then it's old. Maybe even days old, so with a healthy baby on screen tonight, I'm not concerned. As long as there's no accompanying cramping or pain, then there's no need to investigate further."

Harvey and Donna looked at each other and breathed a unified sigh of relief.

"Do you want a photograph of the baby?"

"Yes!" said Harvey first. Beaming eagerly.

"Can we have a few copies?" asked Donna.

"Sure you can, is ten enough?"

"Ten sounds great." Donna thought she'd send one each to her parents, one to Harvey's brother, one for Louis … she smiled when she thought of Louis. 'He's going to cry.'

The doctor ran off the copies on a printer and handed them to Harvey along with some cardboard frames with a teddy bear on the front. Harvey grinned as he looked at the picture, gently running his finger over his baby's image. Finally it was real for him.

The doctor switched off the scanner and pushed it to one side. She then pulled out another, smaller handheld device. "This is a doppler. Now this may not work as it's still early days but I'm going to try and find your baby's heartbeat."

Dr. Vasquez reached for some paper towels and wiped the ultrasound gel off Donna's abdomen. She then placed the smaller, circular base of the doppler on her belly and slowly started to move it over the same area as she had with the scanner.

A loud static filled the examination room. Neither Donna nor Harvey knew what to expect from the noise which sounded like a radio trying to tune into a station. The doctor moved the implement around, pushing low into Donna's pelvis … and then they heard it …

Whoosh … whoosh … whoosh … whoosh …

"There you go," said Dr. Vasquez, smiling as the sound of their baby's heartbeat burst into the room. The noise was strong and fast and regular.

It was the most amazing noise Harvey had ever heard as he gripped Donna's hand and brought it to his face. He couldn't look at her because he didn't want her to see he was overawed with the miracle they had created. It was real. By god it was real now.

Donna relaxed as she heard the beautiful sound combined with the warmth of Harvey's touch. She remembered his promise earlier. " _I promise that if by some miracle I get a second chance here, then I'm going to step up_." She had faith in this moment that he was going to come through for her.

"Everything seems fine." Dr. Vasquez switched off the doppler and bundled some papers into a file. "You should keep your appointment for Tuesday and I'll send these through to you obstetrician. Best to go over everything that's happened tonight with her. We need to keep a watch on your placenta. As your womb grows it should move up from its current position, but there's a danger it could grow over your cervix and if that happens, then you'd have to deliver by c-section."

Donna didn't care. As long as she had her baby, she didn't mind how it entered the world.

"Thank you so much, doctor." Harvey stood up and shook Dr. Vasquez's hand.

The doctor smiled. "My pleasure. I hope you have a wonderful pregnancy. Try to enjoy it."

They watched the doctor leave and Harvey sat back down on the bed, reaching for Donna's hand again. "That was pretty cool."

"That's an understatement."

"I meant what I said earlier, Donna." Harvey reached forward and stroked her hair, bending down slightly as he held her gaze. "I'm going to sort myself out. I'm not letting you do this alone."

She half-sobbed as she smiled back at him. "I was so scared, Harvey. I can't believe everything is alright."

"Everything is more than alright … did you see that? That was awesome!"

"I know, I didn't expect to see that tonight. I guess I'm having a baby."

" _ **We're**_ having a baby!" He gently brushed his fingers through her hair again, his face registering the magnitude of the emotions they'd just experienced. From horror to elation, from fear to happiness. He leaned in close to her and pressed his lips to hers, holding the kiss before breaking free with a tug on her bottom lip.

"Harvey … I … "

"Sshh. Don't say anything. I'm going to make everything better. That's all you need to know."


	10. Chapter 10 - Love her, how?

THE BEST PART OF ME

CHAPTER TEN – Love her, how?

It had been over six months since Harvey Specter had visited Dr. Paula Agard's office and, just as he'd promised himself the night before, he had called her first thing in the morning to make an appointment.

He walked decisively up the path to Dr. Agard's home-surgery and knocked on her door. This time wasn't like any of the previous times he'd visited her. He wasn't having panic attacks anymore. He wasn't lost or broken. Donna had come back to him in every sense of the word, but he needed Dr. Agard to help him to find a way he could be with her in return. How was he going to move on?

"Harvey, it's good to see you." Dr. Agard welcomed him cheerfully as she invited him inside. "It's been a while." She was dressed smartly in an off-the-peg black suit skirt and floaty blouse. He smiled warmly at her. He thought of her as a friend now – partly because he didn't view himself as a patient.

They took their usual seats around her glass coffee table and he remembered their first meeting. He had come to her for prescription drugs to ease his panic attacks. She had put him through hell to get them, which was something he wasn't used to. This tiny, polite, beautifully spoken woman frustrated the hell out of him. She had got the measure of him in seconds during that first meeting in a way he hadn't expected. He thought he'd be able to pull the wool over her eyes, but she'd proven herself as good a judge of character as Donna. Harvey Specter always got what he wanted, but this woman with her perfect manners and kind smile had stared him straight in the eye, saw his anguish and fought him. He had respected her for beating him. He had needed her to beat him.

"So, how have you been, Harvey?"

Harvey hesitated. Should he just plunge straight in with the 'situation?' "Well, I haven't had any more panic attacks."

"That's great Harvey. And what about work? The last time we spoke you were wondering whether you should resign."

"Oh that all blew over …" he knotted his fingers together as he thought back to the 'thing' with Forstman. It had seemed like the end of the world at the time, but little did he know what was to come. "… then Mike was arrested for fraud and … well he cut a deal and took two years. He wasn't a real lawyer. He didn't have a degree. I knew that from the start but I hired him anyway."

"Wow, Harvey, I'm so sorry. Uhm … why did you do that? Why did you hire Mike?"

Harvey could tell that Dr. Agard didn't actually know whether she should be feeling sorry for Mike or whether she should view him as the criminal which – more than technically – he was. "I saw something about him. I wanted to give him a chance. It was easy in the beginning, but once we started we couldn't stop."

"I see. So, is Mike what you've come to talk to me about today?"

His eyes grew wide as he listened to her probe him with her gentle questions. "No," he said emphatically. "I mean, I don't think I do. That isn't why I'm here." He shifted uncomfortably on the sofa, his feet not seeming to know which part of her carpet to rest on.

Dr. Agard crossed her legs and cupped her hands around her knee, rocking slightly forwards and waiting patiently for Harvey to reveal the reason for his visit. "I'm intrigued, Harvey."

Harvey reached into his inside pocket, removing a small piece of card with the picture of a teddy bear on the front. "Here," he said as he passed the card to his therapist.

Dr. Agard took the card. "What's this, Harvey?" She opened it up to find the scan image inside. "A baby ultrasound picture?" Her eyebrows raised in confusion as she looked at the small black and white print. Harvey couldn't help himself from grinning proudly. She noticed. Her face fell in realisation. "Are you telling me that this is your baby, Harvey?"

Harvey nodded his head, his eyes revealing a peaceful acceptance of the fact he was going to be a father. The intangible had suddenly become tangible and it was all held together by the little piece of card he now carried around in his suit pocket. His baby.

"Harvey, I don't know what to say. This is the last thing I thought you'd be coming to tell me today. I'm really pleased for you Harvey." She smiled as she passed the card back to him. "And the mother is?"

The look in his eyes changed, as did his posture as he put the picture back in his pocket. He knew the mother question would be the next thing Dr. Agard would ask him about and he was ready for the onslaught. This was the problem he'd come to see her about after all. He needed her to help him know how to do the 'right' thing … whatever the right thing was.

Dr. Agard shuffled in her chair as she waited for Harvey to answer her question. She knew him well, so she was wondering if this was the outcome of one of those numerous one-night-stands he bragged about. He hadn't been in a relationship when she'd last met him.

He took a deep breath, then thought better of it and exhaled without speaking. He twisted his mouth slightly and he sat forward, avoiding Dr. Agard's attentive gaze which he could feel burning his face. "The baby's mother … is Donna."

Dr. Agard grinned, remembering her one and only encounter with the woman who meant so much to the man who sat before her. 'Harvey, has no idea what he's missing,' she had told her. Dr. Agard had had no doubt she was right. She had liked Donna instantly and she had understood her exasperation with Harvey. "Are you and Donna 'together'?" she asked.

"No … I mean, I don't know … I don't think so."

"I see," said Dr. Agard trying not to giggle at his strange response. "But you were together enough to make a baby." There was a hint of mischief behind her smile that made Harvey scrunch up his nose. He didn't see the funny side.

"We were both drunk and stoned when that happened." He hoped that would dismiss the issue, but he could tell by her expression that she was hanging onto the rope and she'd probably be doing her best to pull him in further.

"I'm not sure I'm going to believe you if you tell me this is the result of a drunken one night stand."

He was right. She was pulling him in. Was there any point resisting? "Well, that's how it happened."

"I'm sure it is." Dr. Agard uncrossed her legs and then refolded them in the opposite direction. "Why have you come here if all we're talking about is the consequences of a one night stand? You've known each other for a long time. Surely your friendship is strong enough to handle this."

Harvey hung his head and knotted his brow into a frown. "Well, that's the way it should be, but …"

"But what, Harvey?"

"It's far more complicated. I don't know how … I mean when Donna told me about the baby it took me a while to get it straight in my head and I tried to do all the things I thought would make things better for her, but that wasn't what she wanted me to do and … well she's been sick and I haven't helped. In fact I've made things worse. She's been in hospital twice already and it's probably all my fault."

Dr. Agard didn't have to say anything. He could tell by the spark in her eyes and the way she twisted her mouth slightly to the right that she was imagining what all the things he'd said he'd done wrong were. "Harvey, I think we're going to need to start from the beginning. Why did you and Donna sleep together?"

"It happened the night Mike went to prison. I don't know why. As I said we were drunk and we were high and … it just happened."

"Why?"

"Because I wanted to have sex."

Dr. Agard pursed her lips together. "That's not what I meant Harvey. You and Donna have been inseparable for how long now?"

"Over twelve years."

"Twelve years," she repeated, her tone of voice acknowledging the length of time they'd worked together, building a strong friendship and a co-dependent relationship that had lasted longer than many marriages. "So, after twelve years you suddenly decide, when you want to have sex, that she's the person to have it with."

"It wasn't like that. I wasn't even thinking about it. I'm sure she wasn't either. It just happened."

Dr. Agard laughed. "Harvey, there has to be a reason why. You've known Jessica a long time too. Why haven't you ever chosen to have sex with her?"

Harvey raised his eyebrows at the terrifying thought. "If Jessica put 'that' on the table, I damn well might," he joked. "If I didn't crap myself first."

"I'm being serious, Harvey. Why? Why Donna after having a platonic relationship for so long?"

"First of all, it wasn't the first time we've slept together. Secondly, I don't know."

Dr. Agard's eyes grew wide as she sat back in her chair. How hadn't she uncovered the fact that Harvey and Donna had once been intimate during their therapy sessions? She'd assumed their relationship was much greater than the platonic Harvey insisted. After all, you don't sink into the state of mental health Harvey Specter had been in just because your secretary moved to another lawyer's desk down the hall. "Okay, Harvey, wow. I hadn't realised this. How often has this happened?"

"Only once before. Not long after we'd met."

"I see." Her mind ticked over, pieces of the complicated puzzle that was Harvey Specter's love life falling into place. "Let me ask you this. How do you think Donna feels about you?"

"I don't know."

"Have you asked her?"

His face flushed as he remembered that night in her apartment a year ago. She had wanted him to stay. He had run. "I have always felt … well sometimes felt … that maybe she was in love with me. But then, every time I believed it she'd do something or say something and then I believed she wasn't."

"Like what? Give me an example?"

"Well she's always pushed me into relationships with other women. With Zoe and with Scottie. She used to give me hell for not telling them how I felt about them. It was as if she was genuinely upset that I didn't make a go of things with them. If she was in love with me, then she wouldn't have done that, would she?"

"Not necessarily, Harvey."

Harvey looked shocked. "Why the hell not?" This was something Donna had always done and it had always convinced him she thought about him as a friend and only as a friend.

"Maybe she wanted to see you happy so she could move on."

Harvey couldn't speak. He had genuinely never considered that before, but now it made sense. How had Dr. Agard seen through her behaviour when he hadn't? He'd known Donna for twelve years. Dr. Agard didn't know her at all. "Are you saying she's been waiting for me?"

"I don't know, Harvey. It's just conjecture. Does what I'm saying make any sense?"

"I think it could. But, why would she …"

"Donna sounds like she's an astute woman, Harvey. If she's known you weren't ready for a relationship – which you weren't – right from the start, then maybe she didn't want to ruin your friendship by trying. Or by forcing you into something you weren't ready for."

"But, Donna always says what's on her mind. I can't believe … she …"

"Harvey, this isn't news to you. You've just told me you'd suspected Donna was in love with you. Now it's time we move onto how you feel about her."

Harvey exhaled in resignation. He hated talking about his feelings and he was afraid of his therapist's way of digging deep into his psyche. But, this was why he'd come. He'd made a promise. "I love Donna. She knows I love her. I've told her."

"You love her, how?"

His body jolted to attention at that question, his heart sinking into the pit of his stomach. The same question he'd failed to answer a year ago when she'd asked him. The same question which signalled her leaving him to work for Louis. The same question which ultimately sent him into a downward spiral of panic attacks and misery. But it was also the question which had sent him to Dr. Agard. His question. A question that belonged to him. A question he still needed to answer.

"I love her as if she was the only person in the world that I've ever known. It's just different with Donna. Everything about her is different." He smiled as he thought about her and his knotted up stomach relaxed as happy memories flooded his mind. The way she teased him. The way she interrogated him. The way she cared about him. The way she laughed, the way she smiled, the way she was always there for him. "Donna is closer to me than anyone could ever be. Including my family, my brother … even my dad. She knows me and she …" He froze. The words were too alien as they swam around in his brain.

"She what, Harvey?"

"… she loves me …" said Harvey, his heart thudding against his ribcage as he realised that Donna had probably always loved him. Right from the start. "… and I think I love her."

"Then don't run away from her, Harvey. Give yourself a chance."

Harvey bristled. He had made a decision but as confident as he was. No scrub that. As arrogant as he was … the demons resurfaced. "What if I screw everything up? I can't lose her."

"If you don't try to make things work, then you will screw everything up and then you could lose her. And now there's a baby too."

The fear resurfaced. He'd tried at a relationship with other women and it hadn't mattered when he screwed up and they walked out of his life. He couldn't have that happen with Donna and his child. "So, you're saying I have no choice, but to try?"

"I'm saying when two people love each other the way you and Donna do, then why wouldn't you want to try? You only get one shot of life, Harvey. You said yourself that Donna was different."

"She is different."

"Then why are you still here? You have your answer."

"I guess I do," he said as he stood to leave.

Dr. Agard walked to the door and opened it for him. "I hope this is the last time I see you, Harvey. Not that I don't like seeing you, I just hope that you truly recognise what you have in your life and how much it's worth fighting for."

"Yeah, thank you, I think I do." He crossed the threshold of her surgery and walked out into a breezy afternoon.


	11. Chapter 11 - Making Amends

THE BEST PART OF ME

CHAPTER 11 – Making Amends

When Donna arrived at work the day after her scare at the hospital she knew she had a lot to sort out. She could count on one hand the number of times she and Rachel had had an argument and their confrontation had been playing on her mind all night. With the worry about the baby over and things partially resolved with Harvey, she felt able to tackle Rachel. She couldn't bear for there to be any bad feelings between them. Even amongst all the turmoil and fear of thinking she'd lost her baby, the clawing feeling at the pit of her stomach was still there. She had upset her friend. Deeply upset her. She would do whatever it took to make amends.

It was mid-morning by her nausea had settled enough to allow her to pluck up the courage to go and see Rachel, so she made the short walk from her cubicle to her best friend's office. She peered in through the glass wall. Rachel was working at her desk, a pile of folders strewn in the corner of her office and a small pile on her spare chair. Donna knocked at the glass door and Rachel looked up. There was no smile. Instead, Rachel rolled her eyes and looked away. Undeterred, Donna entered the office, moved the folders from the chair and sat down.

"I've got a deadline to meet, so I don't really have time for … this." Rachel spoke sharply as she glanced at her watch, signalling to Donna that she was exactly as busy as she claimed.

Donna bent her head to the side and looked at her. Rachel was refusing to meet her gaze. Donna sighed and continued to sit. Waiting …

"Donna, I'm busy. What is it?"

"We need to talk."

"I haven't got time."

"Do you think maybe you could make time?"

"Why the hell should _**I**_ make time? I told you yesterday. You're not the only person with things on their mind."

"I don't want us to fight anymore, Rach." Donna's eyes pleaded with her, but Rachel still refused to even look in her direction. "Please, I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking yesterday. I know I haven't been there for you. I do know that and I am truly sorry. If I could do these last couple of months differently, then I would, believe me. It's just been hard. It's like nothing I've ever been through before and … I've just been so sick … and scared."

Rachel stopped clicking with her mouse and finally averted her gaze from her computer monitor. "I know this has been difficult for you … oh I don't know …" She looked down and twiddled with the buttons on her sweater. "I don't want to be mad with you … but … you hit a nerve, I guess."

"What do you mean, Rach?" Tears formed in Donna's eyes as she leaned forward, closing a metaphorical gap that had arisen between them, although the desk stood firm, like a rock in the centre.

Rachel flopped back in her chair. Her dark brown hair curled in waves around her shoulders as she held her gaze away from Donna's. "I know it's not his fault, but I know he's here and Mike isn't and sometimes that makes me angry …"

Donna's mind whirled as she grasped what Rachel was telling her. "You mean Harvey?"

Rachel sniffed and flicked a wisp of hair from her face. "I'm not angry with him, I'm angry with Mike. I haven't seen him for three weeks … I keep making excuses. I … all of this has made me realise what he took away from me …"

"Do you mean your wedding?"

"No, I mean my life!" Rachel's eyes finally snapped upwards to meet Donna's as she raised her voice. There was anger in her tone and Donna twitched awkwardly in her seat. "I begged him not to take that deal. You begged Harvey. Only one of them listened and only one of them is still around."

"Oh Rach, I'm so sorry," said Donna as she allowed her tears to fall. She loved Rachel and she hated seeing her upset. "I don't know what to say … I …"

"It isn't your fault, Donna. Harvey listened to you because he loves you." She let out a short laugh at her own words. "You weren't even in a relationship, but he loved you enough to listen to you. He loved you more than Mike must have loved me."

"Rachel, that wasn't the way things were. You must know this." Donna wasn't going to allow Rachel to think this way. Mike was like her kid brother and she missed him too. "Mike did what he had to do for all of us. He loves you very much, you know he does."

"Well, I'm angry with him, Donna. I'm really angry with him. You were right yesterday. I am jealous. It isn't fair and it isn't your fault or Harvey's fault. I just have to deal with this by myself."

"I shouldn't have said those things to you yesterday. It was stupid of me."

"It's okay, like I said, you hit a nerve. But I was telling the truth, I am truly happy for you, no matter what happens with me and Mike, please believe me when I say that."

Donna wiped her face and smiled warmly. "Then we should talk no more about it."

Rachel smiled back. "No, we won't. And we're good. I'm going to visit Mike this afternoon actually. I need to see him … uhm … are we talking about the baby yet?"

"You want to tell him?"

"Only if it's okay with you."

"Oh … uhm … I'd prefer to wait a bit." Donna stumbled as she remembered how she'd come so close to losing her baby last night.

"Why? Is everything okay? Did you speak with Harvey?"

"Uhm … yes … we managed to sort a few things out, it's just … well … we had a bit of a scare last night …"

"A scare! What kind of scare?" Rachel shrieked, suddenly feeling like she was the most selfish person in the world. "Is everything okay with the baby?"

Donna hugged her arms, shielding herself from the panic she had felt yesterday evening – the panic which she knew was still fresh in her mind ready to pounce as soon as she allowed herself to relax. "I had a bleed and it knocked the wind out of my sails a bit. Well, more than a bit, actually. It was terrifying. I convinced myself the baby was gone before we even got to the hospital."

"Oh my god, Donna, that's awful. Should you be at work today? I mean are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes, everything is fine. Actually everything is more than fine. We got to see the baby on an ultrasound and we heard its heart beating for the first time. It was amazing, Rach, really amazing. It didn't feel real until then, but now … I guess I'm going to have a baby."

Rachel brought her hands to her chest as she heard Donna talk about the baby. She wanted her to be happy. She deserved to be happy. "Wow, that's wonderful. I'm so pleased for you. Oh my god I'm going to be a fab auntie," she said with a giggle. "And … uhm … how was Harvey?"

"Surprising, actually. He's fighting his own demons through all of this and I don't completely understand what's going on in his mind, but when I needed him, he was there. He was supportive and he …" Donna's eyes glazed over as she recalled how frightened he had been as they'd sat waiting in the hospital room last night. He'd been scared too. More scared than she'd ever seen him. "… I think he fell in love with the baby last night. I could see it in his face. He looked happy and peaceful. I'm so glad he was there to see it all. I think last night was when it all became real for him too."

"I am so pleased for you, Donna. Oh, and I can't wait to see Harvey Specter strolling into the office with a baby carrier. Oh my days, can you imagine what Mike would have said?" Her face changed as the words left her mouth. "Shit … listen to me? I'm talking about Mike in the past tense as if he were dead."

"He's going to be back here before we know it," said Donna. "I promise we'll tell him soon, it's just after what happened last night I don't want people to know in case …"

"Hey, I understand. You don't have to explain. But, everything is going to be okay, you know?"

"Yeah I think you're right."

X X X

Donna had her lunch – more rice – and finished off some work before Harvey finally arrived at the office. It was almost 2.00pm and he had called earlier to say he had meetings all day. Her body jerked to attention as she saw him strolling down the hall. The fear had returned. Was he going to run again? She hadn't seen him since he'd dropped her at her apartment last night – that was more than enough time for Harvey Specter to think, analyse, over-analyse, become terrified … and run! He had form for it. It's what he'd done so many times before.

His footsteps slowed as he reached her cubicle and she looked up to greet him. He was smiling. 'That's a good sign,' she thought as her stomach relaxed. His smile widened and he gave her a wink as he entered his office. 'Hmm another good sign.'

She watched him faff and fiddle with papers on his desk, before switching on his console and getting on with work. She'd give him an hour to catch up before checking on him.

The hour turned into two hours.

She was about to approach him when he ducked out to a meeting with Jessica.

He came back two hours later. It was almost 6.00pm.

He walked along the corridor again, his face changing as he saw her still sitting at her desk working. "Donna, why are you still here? You should have left an hour ago. You work 'till five, remember?"

She twisted her face as she looked at him. He should know why she was still there. He did know, of course. "I wanted to see you before I went home."

His eyes smiled knowingly as he motioned her into his office. "I'm sorry, I've only got scotch," he said as he poured himself a drink.

"That's okay. I'd barf it up if I was allowed to drink it anyway."

"You still as sick? How long will that last?"

"It's only supposed to last first trimester which is the end of next week, but my doctor said because I have hyperemesis it could take longer to leave my system."

He took a swig of scotch. "I'm sorry. Is that responsible for my new trashcan? My third trashcan?"

"Yes, but it's your fourth. I replaced another last week when you were away."

Harvey twisted his mouth as he sat down on his sofa next to her. "Shit, well I hope it stops soon or the quartermaster is going to get very suspicious. He'll think I'm selling trashcans on the side."

They sat in silence for a moment as they both tried to work out what to say next. This was so strange for both of them.

"I … uhm … had an offer accepted on that apartment in my building. You don't have to take it if you don't want to, but I needed to act quickly, so I did. I can still pull out if you're dead against it, but ... what do you think?"

Donna reclined backwards on the sofa, resting her head on her hand. "Oh, I don't know Harvey … I'm not sure how I feel about moving home. I haven't even seen the apartment. And I don't know how I feel about you buying it for me."

"I understand," he said.

She raised her eyebrows in surprise. "You … do?"

"Sure I do, but it's only money, Donna. I'll put the apartment in the baby's name if that makes you feel better. I just figured you'd need a bigger place. The baby will need somewhere to sleep and well, I wanted you both to be close by."

Her heart skipped a beat as she realised wanting to be closer to her … to them … may have more to do with his apartment idea than the extra bedroom. "You're right about all of this Harvey, but I just don't feel ready. The baby isn't here yet and what if …" She looked down at her hands, not wanting to say what was on her mind. "… What if something happens?"

"Nothing is going to happen, Donna."

"You don't know that, Harvey."

"Yeah, I do. I have a feeling."

She laughed softly. "A feeling? You have those?"

He rolled his eyes and twisted his mouth into a mock grimace. "I've always had feelings Donna. It's just talking about them I have trouble with."

"And acting on them?"

An awkward silence filled the room. He knew what she meant. And it was still hard for him. "I went to see Dr. Agard today." He told her proudly because it was just as he'd promised her.

"Oh, I'd wondered if you had."

"Yeah, I rang through for an appointment first thing this morning. I needed to talk about all of those feelings I don't have."

She grinned. "How was it?"

"Good. We talked about the baby. She was pretty shocked."

"I'll bet she was. Shocked in a good way though, right?"

"Yeah, I think so. She's probably terrified I'll screw everything up. Just like you are." He looked into his tumbler, swirling the amber liquid around at the bottom of the glass. "And just like I am."

"Well, I don't think either of us are free from worry about this, Harvey. I don't know the first thing about being a mom."

"You'll be great, but that's not what I meant." He turned to face her, resting his arm on the back of the sofa, mirroring her own position. "I mean she's terrified I'll screw things up _**with you**_."

Her eyes locked with his before she looked away nervously. She didn't know what to say. "What are you saying to me, Harvey?"

His hand trailed the black leather of the sofa, his fingers dipping into the bumps made by the buttons as his mind whirred with that question. _**His**_ question. "You asked me how I loved you once."

Her stomach flipped over as he talked. This was the question he'd ran from. "I did and you refused to answer."

"I couldn't answer you then because there was no answer. I didn't know how." He reclaimed his hand and ran it through his hair. "I'm over 40 years old and I don't know how to be in love with someone. I've never been in love. I thought I was in love with Scottie, but I wasn't. Scottie was fun and interesting and … well she's me in a dress, so of course I thought I loved her. I tried with her and I blamed myself when it didn't work out … but I was never in love with her. At least I don't think I was."

Donna listened to him talk, although all she wanted to do was scream, 'I'm not interested in hearing about you and Scottie!'

"So when you asked me how I love you I knew I loved you differently to that, but I didn't know how to describe it. Does that make any sense?"

Donna shook her head. "No, not really."

"Look, last year, when you left me to work for Louis, I couldn't function without you. I need you. And not just for work. I need to see you every day. I need to talk to you. I need to look at you. You're part of me, _**the best part of me**_. That's how I love you. I love you so much that I can't bear to be away from you. And I do see you _**like that**_. I've always seen you like that, right from the start … but you had that rule and I didn't want to break it because I'd rather have you beside me every single day of my life than try something with you, screw it up and lose you forever."

Donna was stunned, but not surprised. It was how she'd always thought it was with him. She sighed deeply and looked away from. "So, where does all of this leave us?"

He scooted along the sofa, closing the gap between them and turned her chin towards him, forcing her to look at him. "I love you, Donna."

"And I love you, Harvey, but that isn't enough, is it?"

His brows contorted into a firm line. "What do you mean?"

"Because it isn't enough that you love me, even if you love me in _**that**_ way. It's the same as it's always been. This is you having everything and me …"

"… I never had everything, Donna," he snapped, interrupting her. "You were wrong. I didn't have you the way I wanted to have you. I had you by my side every day, working for me as my secretary, but I didn't have you."

"You had what you wanted and if you wanted something else, then getting that was up to you."

"I know. I did. I just didn't know how to get it." He took hold of her hand which made her flinch. His touch was still so unexpected even after everything that they'd been through. "I want to try."

"Try?"

"Yes, I want to try." His voice was trembling and he couldn't hide the fear in his eyes as he looked at her, waiting for her response. "I want to give us a go."

She didn't know whether it was nausea, fear, panic or joy that took hold of her but all of a sudden she couldn't bear it any more. She withdrew her hand from his. "I don't think I can do this. I've been waiting so long … waiting for you for so long … and now? Shit."

"I'm sorry, Donna," he said quickly and instinctively. 'Jesus, don't say I've screwed up already'.

"It's not your fault, Harvey. It's my fault. I love you. I've always loved you, but I've told myself I didn't love you for so long that I don't know how to …"

"Why did you do that?"

"Because you broke my heart, Harvey."

The colour paled from his face. "Last year? When I ran away?" he asked.

"Yes and so many times before that. Right at the start, after 'the other time,' when we met in that café … Jesus I can still remember your words. 'I don't want to lose you.' The same as you're saying to me now. I thought you were going to tell me you didn't want to lose _**me**_. Instead you told me you didn't want to lose your secretary. I made the choice there and then. I chose to be your friend and I buried how I really felt about you."

"… Donna, I didn't know that …" he stammered, his voice laced with regret.

"Didn't you?" She only half believed him. How hadn't he known?

"No, I mean sometimes, over the years I thought about it. Like in the mock trial when you wouldn't answer Louis's question. Then, a few times with Scottie. And then last year, of course. But, why didn't you tell me?"

"Because you weren't ready. I either had to take what you were able to give to me – the best friendship I've ever had – or I had to walk away. I didn't walk. I'm glad I didn't walk. And I didn't stop loving you. Not once." She turned away from him. This was too difficult and the wounds were too deep.

"I'm ready now."

"I know you think you're ready Harvey, but I'm not sure. I don't know if I can risk … I'm on my own and I'm pregnant and I don't want you to break my heart again. See, now it's me who can't risk it. I'm sorry, I never thought I'd feel this way and I can't believe I'm saying this to you. If it wasn't for the baby then I wouldn't be feeling this way, but if it wasn't for the baby then you wouldn't have told me how you felt."

"I'm not telling you this because of the baby, Donna. I'm telling you this because it's the truth."

She inhaled deeply again. Her legs were shaking but she felt numb. And she felt cold. She never thought it would be like this. Harvey Specter not only telling her he loved her, but also telling her he wanted them to be together was something she'd wanted, deep down at least, for a long time. After twelve years of loving him one-sidedly it had finally happened. Tears welled in her eyes, but she kept control of them. She forced herself to think rationally and she pushed away the feelings. "I need you to be there for me and the baby. I don't want to end up running back to my parents with a broken heart at my age. I'm too old and … wow … this has come full circle, hasn't it? It's me who needs _**you**_ now. It's me who is afraid of risking what we have. It's me who is frightened of how I feel because I can't lose you. I can't lose you, Harvey! Do you understand?"

"Donna, please …" he whispered gently. It had taken so much for him to tell her how he felt that her rejecting him hurt more than he believed possible.

"I'm sorry, Harvey, I can't think about myself … or you. I have to think about what's best for the baby. It's more than just you and me and how we feel about each other. I love you, but this is about my baby … our baby … and our baby needs both of us. What would happen if we were a disaster?"

She stood up and moved to the door. Her legs were shaking and she felt sick, which was a combination of both her nausea and her distress. Before she left the room she looked back at him. He looked defeated and confused. She couldn't bear seeing him like this. All she wanted to do was run to him, and kiss him and tell him she loved him, but she couldn't. 'Maybe he could be who I need him to be?' she thought for a moment before she forced the idea out of her mind. She always had faith in him, but not about this. She'd watched him screw up too many relationships too many times.

"I love you, Harvey," she said again as she opened the door. "And I promise I'm never going to leave you."


	12. Chapter 12 - Jessica Knows

THE BEST PART OF ME

Chapter 12 – Jessica Knows

The last three weeks had been some of the most difficult in Donna's life.

She'd done everything she could to make things up to Harvey, but he was barely talking to her. He was like a different man, a ghost of his former self. There was no spark in his eye, there was no witty banter, there was no fire and there was no drive. She knew it was her fault.

How could she have done this to him? She'd asked herself that very question every day since she had effectively rejected him. At night her dreams were consumed by him, her memories of 'the other time' mixed with the 'stupid time' came to her in her subconscious, reminding her what she'd lost. He didn't understand. She didn't understand. It was all her gut. Her gut had told her that Harvey Specter would break her heart … again. If it weren't for her baby she would risk it. Absolutely she would. Hell, she'd been waiting for him to tell her how he felt about her for twelve freaking years! Of course she would have jumped at the chance of trying to make things work with him at any other time in her life. She loved him. But, now everything had changed.

Her gut told her 'they' would be a disaster. Something would happen … actually one thing after another would happen. He'd do something stupid. They'd fight. He'd shut down. She'd demand he talk to her. He'd say the wrong thing. She'd have her heart broken. That's the order of things and if it weren't for the baby she'd risk it in the hope they could always go back. But going back was always a pie-in-the-sky hope anyway.

So she'd told him she wanted things to stay as they were. After, twelve years of waiting for him to finally realise that he wanted to be with her, she'd pulled the plug on everything they both wanted. She hoped Harvey would accept her wishes. She hoped he'd be able to push his feelings to one side too … _**eventually**_.

X X X

It was a sunny Monday morning and she woke up feeling better than she had in a long time. Fourteen weeks. She'd made it into the 'safe zone' of her pregnancy and her worry that something could go wrong at any moment had subsided. Best of all, the nausea had vanished. She'd expected it to last a little bit longer than what her pregnancy books had told her due to the severity, but over the weekend she suddenly realised she no longer felt like she was going to throw up every second of the day. In fact, she'd felt so fantastic that she'd called Rachel round and they'd had a 'girlie' Saturday night together with a movie and take-out. Rachel had been amazed by how much Donna had eaten. Donna just loved being able to eat full stop. She had actually lost weight over the past month when she should have been putting it on. She didn't feel healthy, so now she was going to eat as if food was going out of fashion.

It was 6.00am when she tumbled out of bed and into the shower. Just like every Monday morning, she had her routine to follow, but this morning she noticed something different about her body. She noticed her bump. Of course she'd been prodding and poking at her belly ever since she found out she was pregnant, wondering what the hell she was going to wear when she eventually 'looked' pregnant. Now, there it was staring back at her as she saw her reflection in her bedroom mirror. It was as if it had suddenly popped overnight, the small bump pressing above her pelvis and rising just below her bellybutton. She ran her hands under the hard mound, cupping it for the first time and she smiled. But then she panicked. What the hell was she going to wear?

She tried on one of her tailored dresses. Could she get away with it still? The dress fitted everywhere but it pulled noticeably around her front. She sighed. 'There goes half my wardrobe,' she thought as she dug deep for a more forgiving option. She didn't have many loose fitting dresses, but some were made from jersey fabric so she picked a stretchy grey floral printed Chloe dress which was more comfortable and didn't pull as noticeably. There was no avoiding the issue anymore, however. She really needed to buy some new clothes.

Before she left for the office she took a last look in the mirror. Would people notice? Then she mentally chastised herself. Why did it matter? She'd have to come clean sooner or later, so why was she worrying? Why was she putting off the big reveal to the world?

She put on her shoes and packed up her bag. Whether the bump was noticeable or not, she felt 'good to go'.

X X X

She got to her desk at 7.30am. She hadn't arrived at the office so early for months, but she was enjoying her first Monday of feeling well. She had brought Harvey his usual coffee order, opting for an organic smoothie from the coffee shop on the corner for herself.

Harvey was already in his office when she arrived. It was very early – for him – and she was surprised to see him sitting with his head down at his desk already.

She entered his office and popped his coffee down on the desk in front of him. "Hey, how are you doing?"

"Fine," he mumbled. "Thanks."

It had been one word answers for the last few weeks and she was getting tired of it. She felt totally stuck. She knew it was her fault, but she didn't know how to make things better.

"Okay, so I've been thinking about that apartment. I'm sure it'll be great when the time comes and I wanted to say thank you for the thought."

He didn't look up from his console. "Great."

'Shit this is going to be even harder than I imagined,' she thought. "And I was thinking it was probably time to make the baby news public, what do you think?"

"Whatever you thinks best," he mumbled again. His eyes were staring blankly at his screen as he clicked around his system with his mouse, opening up window after window, but not really taking much notice of what was on the screen.

"Okay, … uhm … oh … and I really need to get some new clothes …"

"Just take my card."

"Harvey, I'm not asking you for money!" she snapped. His eyes didn't budge from the screen. God she was tired of this. "Just tell me what to do to put this right."

She heard him sigh. He was no longer clicking, but his face didn't budge. "You tell me, you're the one calling all the shots around here."

"Harvey … don't you know why …?"

"Why you told me I wasn't going to be good enough for you before I'd even tried?"

"No, that's not what …" her voice trailed off. No point in denying it. That was what she'd told him.

He finally looked up from his console and his eyes nearly popped out of his head. She was leaning against his window ledge wearing a stretchy, but form-fitting dress. She had complained of losing weight due to her nausea and even though she had always been slim, her face and arms had started to look too thin in recent weeks. He'd found it quite worrying, but her doctor had said it was normal given the gravity of her sickness and she'd put on weight once the nausea stopped. His eyes ran over her body, focussing on her abdomen. All of a sudden there was now a very prominent bump. He couldn't help smile as he saw it and he momentarily forgot how angry he was with her.

"Jesus, Donna, is that …" He gulped and motioned with his hands, pointing at her stomach.

She looked down. She thought she'd hid it well, but obviously not. She stood up and ran her hand over her belly. "Yes, there's definitely a baby in there." The mood in the room lifted. Temporarily.

"Yes, you're going to need to get some new clothes. I got you a card for everything you needed, remember?"

Donna sighed. "Harvey, I don't need your money … I …"

"I know you don't!" he snapped. His face flushed as he slammed his body back in his chair. "You don't need anything from me, you've made that damned clear. I got it already!"

She pursed her lips together into a thin line and she breathed heavily through her nose. 'How long was this going to last?' she walked into the centre of the room and turned to face him. "I didn't say I didn't need you Harvey. In fact, I said the opposite. I said I did need you."

"Yeah, well that's not what I heard."

"Well, maybe your heard what you wanted to hear."

"You think I wanted to hear you tell me that?" he spat, his eyes narrowed in disbelief. "After it took so much for me to tell you how I feel about you?" He just couldn't understand why this was happening to him.

"I told you I was afraid, Harvey. Just like you've been afraid for twelve years."

"So this is you getting back at me?"

She gasped. "What?" How the hell could he even think that never mind say it out loud?

"Then why?"

"Harvey, I've already told you why."

"Then tell me a-goddamn-gain!"

She bristled as he yelled at her. "You know what, Harvey, I'm not going to talk to you when you're being like this. There's no point. I told you why I made my decision and you need to respect that because I'm not going to change my mind and I'm absolutely not going to stand here a second longer while you bawl me out."

She stormed out of his office, leaving him to stare after her. He was too irate to continue working and he had a headache to show for it, so he put a record on, took a paracetamol and tried to relax.

X X X

Donna had spent so much time in the bathroom over the last two months that she felt like she lived in there. The blue-grey walls were as familiar as the walls of her own apartment, the toilet bowl (her vomit receiving conduit of choice was the one on the near right) had welcomed practically everything she'd eaten for weeks. Aside from the blasted rice. She now avoided rice like the plague, eating everything but carbs. It was as if meat, fruit and vegetables were something new that she'd only just discovered and she could get enough of them.

She stood at the sink, washing her hands, looking at herself in the mirror. She was shaking. She hated fighting with Harvey and she wished they could find a way to work through all their shit, but she feared that was going to take a miracle.

As she finished up, the door swung open and Jessica strolled in. There'd been a number of times that Jessica had almost caught her vomiting up her insides over the last couple of months and her stomach leapt involuntarily when she saw her. Then she realised she wasn't sick anymore, so she didn't have to hide it.

Jessica smiled at Donna as she walked over to the sink next to her. She turned the tap on and started washing her hands.

Donna could feel Jessica's eyes burning into her skin. She knew. She was Donna. "You know, usually washing your hands is the last thing you do when you visit the bathroom."

"Usually your boss hasn't come in to ask you if you're pregnant."

Donna felt every inch of her insides groan. "How … uhm … long have you known?" She looked at Jessica sheepishly, not knowing how she was going to react.

"Five seconds."

Donna let out a short, nervous laugh. "How long have you suspected?"

"A while. I'm not stupid and it's pretty obvious today." She motioned at Donna's suddenly noticeable bump. "That bullshit you all fed me about you being run down was down to this, wasn't it?"

Donna nodded her head guiltily.

"Is this why Harvey's walking around the office as if he's got a stick up his ass?" She turned the taps off and dried her hands on a paper towel.

Donna felt sick with nerves. Did Jessica suspect Harvey was the father, or not? "I … uhm … I guess so."

"You know Donna, I'm surprised you've let this happen, but I'm happy for you. If you're happy?" She narrowed her gaze, searching Donna's face for confirmation that she was pleased about her condition.

"Yes, I'm happy," she said proudly. Her hands instinctively falling to her belly as she smiled contentedly.

Jessica smiled too. "Good. Who else knows?"

"Uhm, just Rachel, Gretchen, Harvey … and uhm … Louis."

"Louis knows?" shrieked Jessica amusedly. "Jesus Christ, how the hell did he manage to keep that to himself?"

Donna laughed as she turned to face Jessica. "He's been really sweet."

"I can imagine." She smoothed her hair down in the mirror as she looked at Donna's reflection behind her. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I was scared to. I know that this has come at the worst time. Everybody has been working so hard and … well I know I'm just Harvey's secretary, but I felt like I was going to become a problem none of you needed."

Jessica sighed. "You're not just Harvey's secretary, Donna, you're part of our family and you're as important to the firm as any one of us. You're the glue that holds us all together."

Donna beamed at Jessica's kind words. She admired Jessica, but they'd never really opened up to one another. She didn't know what Jessica thought about her.

"So, I'm going to have to figure out what we're all going to do without our glue."

Donna was confused. Was she being fired? "What do you mean? I'm … uhm … not going anywhere."

Jessica laughed, but then realised that Donna may not have considered what she was going to do once the baby was born. "Unless you plan to work Harvey's desk until you give birth and then have the baby put up for adoption, you're going to be away for some time."

Donna shuddered. She just assumed she'd be back at work immediately. Was she mad for thinking this? "Harvey will just have to have a temp for a while and as long as whoever it is doesn't mess up my filing system, I can cope with that."

Jessica watched as Donna moved towards the door. Her frown was fixed. There was something else she wanted to say. Donna knew.

"Are you still with the baby's father?"

Donna froze. 'What the hell do I say?' she thought. She didn't know whether Harvey was ready for people knowing the baby was his. "Uhm … no … we're not together anymore," she half-lied. It wasn't her place to tell Jessica. Harvey should be the one to tell her.

"I'm sorry. It must be … uhm … not ideal."

"You could say that," said Donna sadly.

They continued to hold their gaze. Donna wondering if she should leave. Jessica wondering if she should say what was on her mind.

"Uhm … okay … best get back to work then" said Donna finally, as she moved towards the door. Could this be any more awkward?

"Before you go …" said Jessica, making Donna's insides flip over for a second time. "When you left to work for Louis last year, Harvey went to shit. If there's anything you could do to make sure that doesn't happen again, I'd be grateful."

It was a strange request and Donna wasn't sure whether it was a plea, or a dig. She didn't reply. She just nodded and left the room.

X X X

Later that afternoon, Jessica called a meeting in the conference room. They had just won a big client and she had a job for everyone, Harvey, Louis, Rachel … and Donna.

It wasn't often that Donna was asked into a meeting, so she was suspicious. She sat as opposite from Harvey as possible, with Rachel on her right. Louis sat next to Harvey. It turned out that all Jessica wanted her to do was assist Rachel with some semi-paralegal work involving their client's takeover of three small businesses.

As the meeting drew to a close and she had everybody's attention, Jessica seized the moment.

"One last thing," she said. Louis had already stood up, so he flopped back into his chair. "The five of us here _**are**_ this firm. We were the ones left standing when everybody else deserted us. We are the ones who are rebuilding. We are all as important as each other and I don't want any more goddamn secrets. Do you understand?"

There was silence, followed by a few unified nods.

"If any of you is going through anything in their lives that may impact on this firm, or may impact on the way you do your jobs, then you speak about it. Tell me and tell me straight away. I know Donna is pregnant and because we're family, we're all going to be there for her because we're strong and because that's what family does. I don't want anybody to keep me in the dark about anything ever again."

She looked at Donna expecting a smile of relief, but all she saw in her face was dread.

"You think nobody's been there for her?" said Harvey, anger rising in the pit of his stomach as his blood started to charge through his veins. This wasn't just about Donna. This was about him too.

Jessica narrowed her eyes. She had half-expected some sort of reaction from Harvey. There must be a good reason why he'd been in such a foul mood for weeks. "What I'm saying is it appears I'm the last to know about this so I'm drawing a line, right here, right now. We're all going to pull together for Donna, just like we did for Mike."

Louis nodded in agreement. "I've already told Donna I'm going to do whatever I can to help, haven't I, Donna?" He was points-scoring and everyone knew it.

"Yes, you have, thank you Louis." She wished she could jump on a transporter pad and beam herself back to her desk. Her gut told her this wasn't going to end well.

"I've got some details of antenatal classes for you, like I promised. There's one that starts on a Wednesday night. I'll take you, I don't mind. I'd be honoured."

"Thank you Louis, that's really sweet of you," said Donna.

Harvey's face had turned to lava. He was nearing eruption point. Donna knew she had to do something to change the subject.

"Okay, thanks everyone, it's … uhm … good to have this all out in the open and I'm sure it'll all be fine." She stood up, ready to leave the room.

Louis stood up too. "Don't worry Donna, like Jessica said we're all here. And if that no-good cretin who left you to have his baby one your own ever shows his face around here, then I for one will be giving him a piece of my mind."

 **That was it.**

Harvey shot to his feet, his face red and his fists clenched as he stared down Louis. Rachel and Donna looked at each other, terror etched on their faces. Louis and Jessica were still in the dark.

"What the hell's the matter with you?" Louis looked at Harvey standing next to him. His face was strained red with anger.

"You're the matter with me!" Harvey roared.

Louis swallowed hard and shrank back down into his chair. Jessica looked on in astonishment, fearing the worst. "I don't know … what …" mumbled Louis.

"You still haven't told him?" shot Harvey at Donna. She was frozen to the spot, although she wanted to run.

"Harvey, maybe you should do this somewhere else, and maybe at another time," pleaded Rachel. Her dark brown eyes begging him to control himself.

"Or maybe we should just have this out now considering we're all supposed to be family?" yelled Harvey. He looked around at the four pairs of eyes that were fixed upon him. Two of them were terrified. The other two were bewildered.

"Harvey, please …" Donna's voice was desperate as she sat back down. Tears had started to form in her eyes and that hadn't gone unnoticed by any of them.

"Look, I don't know what any of this is about but you need to goddamn control yourself right now," said Jessica.

"Or maybe I don't," said Harvey sarcastically as he puffed up his chest and paraded around the room. "We're family are we? We're family when it suits us. You couldn't wait to step in and take over and play pretend daddy, could you Louis?"

Louis's face crumpled in confusion. "I just wanted to help Donna. That jackass boyfriend of hers left her on her own and I wanted to help. What's so wrong with that?"

"Because it's not your place!" slammed Harvey. He knew he was crossing the line. He knew he was being unfair, but he couldn't help himself.

"You're jealous." Louis was furious. "You're jealous because I've been there for Donna in all the ways you can't. I'm going to help her look after the baby. That's right, I'll do whatever she asks, whether it's midnight feeds or changing diapers or any of that stuff. You're not going to be any help. You're cold and unemotional and too goddamn selfish."

"Louis, I swear to god, if you don't shut your mouth right now, then …"

"Then you'll what, Harvey? You'll hit me? Why?"

"Because it isn't your baby, Louis!" yelled Harvey.

Louis's eyes popped out of his head. He was right, Harvey was jealous and that gave him the upper hand. "I know it's not my baby, so what? It isn't yours!"

" **YES IT IS**!"

Donna shut her eyes as silence engulfed the room.

Rachel felt an urge to pull Donna out of the room and rescue her, but she scooted her chair over and placed her hand on her back for support instead.

Louis was frozen. His face etched with … with what? Disgust? Loathing? Rage?

Jessica lowered her eyes in embarrassment. She'd always wondered about Donna and Harvey. Now she had her answer. "Goddamn it, Harvey," she said breaking the awkward silence in the room. "What the hell have you done?"

Harvey couldn't speak. He saw the look on everyone's faces and he knew he'd not so much crossed a line as pole-vaulted over it. He sat down in silence, refusing to look at anyone.

Louis's face crumpled in abject horror. "So, this is true? It's his baby, not that other guy's?" Donna could feel him looking at her so she raised her eyes to meet his. He saw her tears fall and he knew. He shook his head. "Jesus, Donna, you did that again … with him … why?"

Harvey's eyes turned to angry pinholes as he squinted in disbelief. "You told him about the 'other time,'?"

"I … uhm … yes," she said, her face flushed with shame. "He asked me if … we ever …" She didn't want to go into the details of why Louis had asked her if she'd ever slept with Harvey. It was just after he'd learned about Mike. It was a horrible period of time in the history of their friendship together and she didn't want to remember the man Louis was back then.

"How the hell did he …?" Harvey turned to Louis who was sitting with pursed lips, his fingers threaded together in front of him. "Louis, you've done some weird creepy shit in your time and I don't even think I want to know how you came to ask Donna that, so let me tell you this." He shifted to face Louis who was sinking further and further into the conference room chair. "You mind your own goddamn business, you hear me? This is my baby. This has nothing to do with you. No freaking way on god's green earth am I letting you within a foot of my baby."

Now it was Donna's turn to get angry. "Harvey, leave him alone. He wants to help because he's my friend."

"Yeah, well, Donna it looks like you at least want one of us to help you then, doesn't it?"

"Actually no!" She was ashamed, embarrassed and humiliated by both of them. "I don't need any help!" She stood, kicking her chair back so hard that it slammed into the wall. "I don't need any help from either of you. I'm doing just fine on my own. So, if you're both finished fighting over me as if I was an imbecile who can't make any decision or do anything by herself, then I think I'd like to return to work. Rachel and I have a lot to get on with."

Rachel stood up, cleared her throat and followed Donna out of the room.

Louis saw that as his cue too. Without a word to anybody he stood up, his face deflated as if someone had let all the air out of him. He followed them out of the room, turning on his heel in the opposite direction, and marching back to his office.

Jessica sat cross legged, her eyes fixed on Harvey. The pretty pink pastel shade of her expensive designer dress at odds with the anger and disappointment that was etched on her face.

Harvey hung his head low. He was gutted. How could he fuck up so catastrophically? He felt Jessica's glare burn into him as he sat, terrified to meet her gaze. "Just say it," he muttered.

"I don't need to say it. You goddamn know."

He arched one eyebrow at her as his brow crumpled into a frown. "I do?"

"You know you're an idiot." Her rich voice was laced with indignation.

"Yeah, I know."

"Harvey, I don't want any details here believe me, but what the hell were you thinking?"

"You mean … when …?"

"I mean when you knocked your secretary up," she interrupted. Her perfectly defined eyebrows were raised as high as they could go. She was dumbfounded.

"It just happened."

"And now we all have to live with the consequences of your actions. Just like we all had to live with the consequences of Mike Ross."

He was hurt. "How can you compare this to that?"

"Because this is down to you and you may not have intended to cause it from the outset, but it's the results of you being an idiot again. Now, you're sure as hell are going to sort it all out."

He almost screamed at her. "Do you not think I've tried?"

Jessica saw something in his reaction which made her anger at him float away. There was sadness there. And there was frustration. "What happened?" she asked gently.

"She doesn't want to know. I … okay … I …" He swallowed hard and closed his eyes as he forced the words to leave his mouth. Those words. "I love her." He spoke with such overwhelming sadness that Jessica had to catch her breath. "But she doesn't want to know. She thinks I'll break her heart."

"Does she love you?"

Harvey nodded his head. "She says she does. She does. I'm sure she does."

"Then you have to do something that you've never done before, Harvey." Jessica looked at him knowing he was such a hopeless idiot, but she cared about him. "You have to fight for her."


	13. Chapter 13 - The Broken Hearted

THE BEST PART OF ME

CHAPTER 13 – The Broken Hearted

It wasn't like she'd run away.

Well at least that's what she'd told herself in the beginning. The day after Harvey's outburst in the conference room she'd told him she needed time and she'd packed up a case and left the city.

A week's rest with her parents up in Cortland had turned into a fortnight. Then the fortnight had turned into a month. She hadn't been away from the city for so long in years and she had put the time to good use. She'd spent quality time with her parents. She'd seen other family members. She'd spent a lot of time with friends and their children – all of them finding it hard to believe that Donna, always the smart, self-assured career-girl, was going to be a single mom.

And then there was her dad. When she'd told him about the baby in the beginning she'd kept the 'Harvey' bit from him, but she could tell he'd been suspicious. This visit, she'd finally confessed and James Paulsen had been livid. There was no love lost between him and Harvey Specter and now the smug, self-righteous son-of-a-bitch who once made out he loved Donna more than he did had got his baby girl pregnant and then abandoned her. No matter how strongly Donna had insisted that her being on her own wasn't down to Harvey, James wouldn't listen because he didn't want to listen. He needed somebody to blame and he relished blaming Harvey.

Neither of Donna's parents wanted her to return to New York. They couldn't bear her being alone and, after all, she'd easy get a job in Cortland and her mom was keen to help look after the baby, but Donna needed to get back to the firm. She missed her friends and she missed Harvey.

X X X

She was nineteen weeks pregnant now – almost half way there – and she was enjoying being pregnant … finally! Compared to those first awful few weeks, the second trimester was a breeze. She had bucket-loads of energy and her hair, which was admittedly always pretty amazing, was now even more so and she took pleasure in brushing and styling her thick, glossier red locks as often as she could. She'd bought some fabulous outfits too (who knew maternity clothes could be so awesome?) and she'd even bought a few baby things. She hadn't used the credit card Harvey had given her. Using that card just didn't feel right.

Donna returned to her apartment on a Sunday and called Rachel to ask if the floating temp Harvey had had in to replace her had screwed up her filing system. Rachel assured her the temp had been under strict orders and everything was just as she'd left it. Rachel had also said she'd told Mike about the baby and he had almost spontaneously combusted with excitement! In fact, it had made his year … the Harvey element in the baby news had made his century! They talked about Mike for a while, laughing at his observations about Harvey's impending fatherhood. Rachel had told her that Harvey had visited Mike a couple of weeks ago and he'd gone to town on him, mercilessly teasing him about Harvey Jnr's mini Tom Ford suits and gel-backed hair. Donna enjoyed hearing all about Mike, but she realised she hadn't seen him since the early days of his imprisonment and she felt guilty. She promised Rachel that she was going to make the effort to go visit him.

She hadn't asked Rachel much about Harvey. Rachel had offered that he'd been fine. Very busy, but fine. That's all she wanted to know. She'd messaged him a few times when she was away – just to check in and let him know how she was. He hadn't responded with anything more than one or two word answers. One time she got a sentence. She had messaged him Sunday morning to say she'd be back. 'OK' was the response. How had it got to this?

To begin with she'd blamed herself. It had taken everything he'd had to finally tell her how he'd felt about her. And she'd mentally ran away. Then, after his outburst in the conference room, she'd physically ran away. She wasn't angry with him because she knew he was hurting. She was very angry with herself, however.

That's why she'd ran. Running had given her time to reflect. It had made her realise that she'd acted through fear initially. Fear had made her give up on the man she'd loved for over a decade at a time when she needed him the most. All of those years of having faith in him and believing he made her world a better place and it had all come to this? She was frightened of losing him. She was frightened she'd already lost him.

She had to make it up to him and she had to tell him she was sorry.

X X X

Donna arrived early at her desk on Monday morning and she bumped into Rachel outside the elevators.

"Oh my god, you look … fantastic." Rachel folded Donna into her arms, admiring her extremely noticeable baby bump.

"Fantastic … not blooming?" Donna laughed as they started to walk along the corridor.

"Oh no, never blooming." Rachel smiled as she repeated part of their conversation from all those weeks ago, when Donna had first discovered she was pregnant.

Donna was used to turning heads, but as she took the long walk from the elevators to her cubicle at the other side of the building all eyes were on her. She was wearing a long-sleeved grey wrap-around Max Mara dress which she knew she looked fabulous in. She knew there'd be gossip and she didn't care. There was no point in letting that bother her.

When they arrived at her desk, Donna's insides groaned. 'Oh no this is all I need', she thought as she saw the silver photo frame containing the picture of herself playing Ophelia in high school lying face down on her desk.

"I guess Louis knows you're back," said Rachel.

"Not again," said Donna wearily. "Does he think I need this shit right now?"

"I was going to tell you on the phone last night. He's been in a foul mood since you left and he isn't speaking to Harvey. Jessica has chewed him out about it over a half dozen times already."

"Shit," said Donna as she held onto the gift which she knew meant so much to Louis. Giving it back to her was his way of telling her he was pissed off. "Right, well, I suppose here goes nothing." She marched off to the other side of the building to tackle a problem she didn't expect she'd be having this morning.

"Good luck," said Rachel anxiously. She knew Louis could be such a dick sometimes!

X X X

Louis looked up from his desk as Donna entered the room, his eyes transfixed momentarily by the size of her bump, before he looked away flustered, faffing about on his computer keyboard.

"What's this?" she said tersely, holding up her photograph.

"What does it look like?" Louis refusing to meet her gaze, his eyes staring blankly at his computer console.

Donna sighed. She really couldn't be bothered with this. "So, are you going to tell me why you're pissed at me, or do I have to guess?"

Louis stopped mindlessly faffing and swung around in his chair to face her. He looked crushed. "You lied to me again."

Donna nodded as she took it in. "Okay … I'm sorry …"

"Save it!" he shouted angrily. "We're not friends, Donna. I find out when you're gone that Rachel knew about you and Harvey and then …" his eyes grew wide as he shook his head in disbelief, "then I find out that Gretchen knew. You told Gretchen the truth, but you lied to me."

"Louis, I really can't deal with this right now." She ran her hand through her hair. There was so much she wanted to say to him, but none of it was pleasant.

"Well you can just go away then and you can take every nice thing you ever did for me with you."

"You know Louis, as much as I love you, there are times like right now when you can be a selfish, narcissistic, thoughtless, moronic … freaking … idiot! Why do you think I lied to you? Put yourself in my place for a moment. Can you even think about anybody but yourself? Can you think about other people's feelings?"

He pursed his lips as she shouted at him, taken aback by her tone of voice. "Then why did you lie?"

"Because I was ashamed!" Tears fell from her eyes as she flung the photograph down on the desk in front of him. "I didn't want you to know, because I was ashamed of myself, Louis."

All of a sudden Louis's face changed. The anger and bitterness he'd been harbouring for the past month melted away as he realised he'd been immersed in his own self-pity for weeks without considering what she might be going through. Donna was right. He had been thinking about himself and he'd allowed his hurt to overwhelm him. And not for the first time.

"Why did you do it?" He picked up the photograph – his photograph – and placed it back into position on his desk.

"Why did I do what? Lie? I've just said …"

"No, why did you sleep with Harvey?"

"What?"

"It's a valid question, Donna. If I'm your friend like you say I am, then you should be able to tell me. You talk about this stuff with Rachel, don't you?"

"That's different, Louis." Why was he asking her something so personal?

"Why is it different? I'm supposed to be your friend. Why did you do it? With him? Again …?"

Donna bristled as Louis glared at her, waiting for her response. "Louis, my dad didn't even ask me this."

"Well I want to know!" he yelled at her, making her jump. "Do you love him?"

"What? Louis I'm not on trial here and I'd appreciate it if you'd stop interrogating me as if I'd done something wrong."

"Then why do you feel ashamed? You said, just now, that you lied to me because you felt ashamed. Was that a lie to? I don't know if I can trust you. I don't know when you're acting and I don't know when you're being real."

Donna sucked in a breath and wrapped her arms protectively around her body. "… Louis …" she pleaded in a whisper.

He just glared at her. He didn't know what to think any more. "You know, when I first found out about your baby and Mitchell apparently abandoning you I wanted to kill him. 'How could he leave you?' I thought, but then …? Then, I was pleased he wasn't around because I thought you were my friend and I wanted to step in and … and do all the dad stuff he should have been doing but was too goddamn spineless to. Stupid isn't it? You see, I love kids, I'm a great uncle already and I wanted to help you. I'd have gone with you to doctor's appointments, I'd have been there if you needed a rest, night feeds, dirty diapers, chicken pox, babysitting. I'd have done anything you asked, but now …?"

"Nothing's changed Louis. You can still do all of those things. I'm going to need all the help I can get. I haven't got a clue about kids and … well night feeds doesn't sound appealing …" She grimaced comically, trying to lighten the mood, but she could tell Louis had been hurt in a way she had never considered.

"Don't you see?" he said, raising his voice again. "Not when it's _**his**_ kid, I can't!"

"That shouldn't make a difference, Louis." She knew fine well that it did make a difference. In every sense of the word, it made a difference.

"Well it does. It changes everything. He's already said he doesn't want me anywhere near _**his**_ baby."

"He only said that because he was hurt, Louis … because I'd hurt him."

"You hurt him?" asked Louis in surprise. He expected things the other way around.

Donna knew she'd said too much. "Yes, I did and I can't tell you why, or how, or what I did … but I can tell you that that's why he reacted the way he did in the conference room all those weeks ago. It had nothing to do with you."

Louis's mind whirred as he took in Donna's revelation. For the past few weeks, with her away, he'd been hating and blaming Harvey for what had happened to his team. Pearson Specter Litt was his family and Donna was at the heart of it. With her gone, things weren't the same and it had to be Harvey's fault that she'd left because it always was Harvey's fault. "Maybe I'm asking the wrong person, the wrong question then."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, should I be asking Harvey if he's in love with you?"

Donna didn't respond but Louis could tell by the way she looked at him when she walked out of his office that the answer was yes.

X X X

It was lunch time and Harvey still hadn't shown up at the office. She had checked his calendar hours ago and it was blanked out until 10.30am, but that was all. Was he doing this on purpose? She tutted inwardly as she realised he could be. He was no stranger to petulant behaviour.

She was just about to leave to buy herself a sandwich for lunch when she heard his voice in the distance, chattering away animatedly about … well she couldn't make it out but it was probably about a case. She looked up tentatively as his footsteps approached. She hadn't even thought about the person he was talking to. She supposed it was a client or one of the associates who he'd been working to death ever since Mike had gone to prison.

She didn't imagine for once second that it would be Scottie.

She must have looked surprised when they reached his office, but Harvey didn't even look uncomfortable. Had he done this on purpose? Chosen the very day she'd returned from her parents' to flaunt his ex-girlfriend under her nose?

"Donna," he said greeting her with a smile as he ushered Scottie into his office. Scottie smiled warmly. "Hi Donna," she said as she followed Harvey into the room.

Donna could feel her skin burn with anger. This couldn't be a co-incidence.

She picked up her bag to go out for lunch, walking around her cubicle and strolling confidently down the corridor in full view of the two people inside the glass-walled office.

X X X

Scottie nearly choked on air.

She'd been working a case with Harvey for a week and they'd met for a morning meeting, followed by brunch at a bistro. Why hadn't he mentioned … that?

"Harvey, I think I know the answer here but I have to say it out loud. What the hell happened to Donna?"

"Uhm … oh … she's pregnant," he said flippantly.

"I can see that, Harvey." She turned to him and batted his arm in astonishment. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Harvey shrugged. "It didn't come up."

"What? You mean your best friend and loyal assistant who's worked for you for twelve years is pregnant and you didn't think to bring it up?" she laughed, but there was something in Harvey's eyes that made her realise the situation wasn't a laughing matter.

"So, who's the daddy? It's not Louis, is it?" She was teasing him as she remembered her short stint working at Pearson Specter Litt and how insufferable she'd found Harvey's partner.

Harvey twisting his face in confusion. And disgust. "Why the hell would it be Louis?"

"I'm joking Harvey." Scottie rolled her eyes at him. "Sheesh anyone would think …" She froze as the thought entered her head. She'd asked Donna once if she was in love with Harvey. She'd thought about it a few times since, but Donna had emphatically denied it. Scottie looked into Harvey's eyes. He was averting her gaze and she could sense why in the pit of her stomach. She knew. "Oh no," she mumbled.

Harvey's eyes darted around his office, not knowing what to say. He wasn't a complete bastard. He could lie, but he wouldn't. He couldn't deny … ever … that Donna's baby was also _**his**_. It wouldn't be right or fair. It would feel as though he were betraying his own child. He finally locked his eyes with Scottie's in a way that told her she had guessed right.

She clutched her handbag to her chest. "How long?"

"How long, what?"

"How long have you been screwing Donna?" She was wondering if she'd been blaming the wrong person for her split from Harvey all of this time. For two years she thought Mike's secret had torn them apart. Now she was starting to wonder if it had been Donna. How hadn't she spotted it?

"It wasn't like that. We were never together it was just that one time. I'm not lying to you and … well … I haven't done anything wrong, so I have no reason to lie."

Scottie pursed her lips into a thin line, her dark eyes filled with sadness as she realised the man she loved – the man who she'd hoped had been fixed through therapy at the same time as she had – the man she hoped was ready to think about her once more, was now gone forever. Lost to somebody who had been there for him when she couldn't. She felt her heart break as his revelation sank into her chest and she looked to her feet, desperately willing the tears that had formed in her eyes to stay there and not fall.

Harvey took hold of her gently, his arms gripping her shoulders. "Hey, I'm sorry … I … uhm … probably should have told you, but I didn't think it mattered."

"You didn't think it mattered?" Scottie raised her voice as anger surged through her. "We've seen each other every day for a week. You said on Tuesday that you missed me. You said on Thursday that you wished you'd done things differently when we were together. You said on Friday that you wished you'd fought for me. Harvey, seriously? What the hell's the matter with you?"

"I meant all those things I said." He genuinely couldn't see what he'd done wrong.

Scottie folded her arms in front of her. "You told me you wished you'd fought for me in full knowledge that you'd just knocked up your goddamn secretary!" She raised a perfectly defined eyebrow in disbelief at his complete lack of empathy.

Harvey frowned. He understood what he'd done. "I'm sorry, I just saw those two things as separate. What's happened with Donna … well it's complicated and I'm dealing with it. With you? Well I meant that I regretted how we ended, but that didn't mean I wanted to try again."

"No, I realise that now." Scottie rolled her eyes again. How could she have been so stupid?

"So we're good?" said Harvey tentatively.

Scottie rolled her eyes for a third time. "No, we're not good. You're an idiot and you've pissed me off."

"I'm sorry," he said, one side of his mouth twisted into a knot. "And I know I'm an idiot."

She flicked her hair back and blew a short breath of air out of the corner of her mouth. "An idiot who's going to be a dad. I wouldn't have put money on that happening any time soon."

"Neither would I."

"So?"

Harvey shrugged. "So, what?"

"So what are you going to do?"

His face flushed as he tried to hide his disappointment at the way things with Donna had turned out. "I've no idea. Donna has kind of … well … she's been away and I don't know how she wants to play things. I guess I'll find out what she wants me to do when the baby is born."

Scottie gasped. "What?" She couldn't believe their conversation was going down this road, but she couldn't help herself. "Harvey, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard you say. You're going to be a dad. How do you want to play things? Does Donna even know?"

"Yeah, she knows," said Harvey. Why did everyone assume it was him who wasn't stepping up to the plate?

"And what do you want?"

"I wanted to … try to …"

Scottie's heart sank as she heard him trying to force words he knew she didn't want to hear out of his mouth. "Try to what?"

He inhaled through his nose, his face now red and the veins in his neck pulsing as Scottie's internal camera pointed straight at him. "Look, I … uhm … well I wanted to try to make things work with her."

"You … did?" Scottie swallowed her sorrow hard, but remaining composed. "You know Harvey, I once asked Donna if she was in love with you. It was years ago, before we were even together. Anyway, she'd said no but I didn't completely believe her. What I never … and I mean never … expected to hear was that you were in love with her. I never stood a chance, did I?"

His eyes ballooned with the words he didn't ever expect Scottie to say. He didn't bother to deny it. He was in love with Donna. He didn't know if he'd always been in love with Donna, but he sure as hell knew he was now and he didn't like it because it hurt. "It doesn't matter what I want, Scottie, because that's not what Donna wants."

"How do you know?"

"Because I was listening to her when she told me."

Scottie rolled her eyes yet again. "You are an idiot, Harvey. You should have learned. If you want her, you have to fight for her."

He thought back to Jessica's friendly word in his ear a few weeks ago. "You're the second person who's told me that."

"Well, you need to listen, and on that note, it's time I got back to my firm. They'll be wondering where I am." She picked up her bag and flung her jacket over her arm, then she turned to look at him one more time, sadness still etched all over her face. "I hope you get what you want, Harvey. You deserve to be happy."

"Thank you," he said as he watched her leave. They'd finished their case, working out a deal between them earlier in the morning. He didn't know when he'd see her again.


	14. Chapter 14 - Change of Heart

THE BEST PART OF ME

CHAPTER 14 – Change of Heart

Another day of silence. Another day of brooding. Another day of one word answers.

Donna wanted to scream.

In the past, she'd have stormed into his office, told him what he was thinking, told him precisely what he needed to do and then watch him … eventually … take her advice and sort himself out.

That used to be the way things were, but things had changed. Their relationship had splintered into a hundred pieces – frustration, sadness, bitterness, anger, disappointment. She didn't know how to win him back and her heart had started to give up.

She'd told him she wanted to keep their relationship the way it had always been because she was frightened of risking something more and then losing him – when _**he**_ screwed up. She hadn't trusted him enough and in the end, that decision had brought about the very thing she had feared. She was scared. Her heart was breaking and she couldn't fix it.

X X X

She arrived to work early as usual and bumped into Jessica in the lobby.

"Hi Donna, great to see you back."

"Oh, I got back yesterday." Donna twiddled nervously with the top of one of the coffee cups she'd carried up for her and Harvey.

"I know you did." Jessica lowered her eyelids and studied Donna's expression. Donna could feel her gaze burning her skin. "How's things?" she asked.

"Oh … uhm … fine," lied Donna. She knew that Jessica had had to put up with an angry Harvey for the past month. She knew, after everything that had happened with the firm that angry Harvey was the last thing she needed in her life.

Jessica turned on her heel, forcing Donna to stop walking and face her. "Things haven't been fine here, Donna." There was a hint of annoyance in her voice. "In fact, pretty much everything has gone to shit."

Donna's heart leapt into her throat. Was Jessica laying the blame at her feet?

"I wouldn't try to assume I can imagine what you've been through or what you're going through …" Jessica could see by Donna's frown that she was going to have to choose her words very carefully. She scanned the hall making sure nobody could hear her, then she lowered her voice to a whisper. "You've lost your spark and so has he. I hate seeing both of you like this."

Donna sighed and bowed her head. "I know." Her voice was weary and Jessica realised that the situation was spiralling out of control for Donna, as well as for Harvey.

"Are you in love with him?"

Donna gasped. "What?" Even though she'd been asked that question many times before, those were words she didn't expect to ever leave Jessica's mouth. The managing partner had always made it clear that she didn't want to get involved with personal matters.

"I asked if you were in love with him, because if you are, then you need to fight for him."

"I don't think I have any fight left, Jessica. He isn't listening to me."

"Find a way to make him listen." She looked around the hall, waiting for a couple of staff members to pass before speaking again. "Look, before you left I told Harvey the same thing. I told him he needed to fight and – well, let's be honest here – there's far more likelihood that you'll be able to find the right words to say to him than the other way around, so … please talk to him today. My nerves are shot. I'm going to kick his ass if I have to put up with anymore of this bullshit."

Donna twisted her mouth and scrunched up her nose. "That bad?"

"Worse." Jessica spun around again and started to walk back to her office. "You look great by the way. Very … uhm … blooming …"

Donna groaned inwardly at her choice of descriptor. "Thanks," she called after Jessica.

X X X

Harvey had been working in his office for an hour before Donna decided to go speak to him. It wasn't something she'd been looking forward to doing. She knew it was going to be hard, but if she didn't do it now, she'd lose another day because she had her doctor's appointment after lunch.

She peered tentatively through the glass doors of his office and waited in the doorway, resting her back on the doorframe.

"I know you're there," he said without taking his eyes off his console.

She tentatively walked inside the office, taking a seat on his sofa. She said nothing.

Harvey looked up from his computer and groaned. His eyebrows arched stiffly into a frown as he realised words were about to be spoken and he'd have to respond. He got up from his desk and walked over to her, taking a seat in the adjacent armchair. He straightened his suit and readied himself for what was to come.

"I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon. Do you want to come?"

Harvey bristled. "Wouldn't you rather take Louis?" He knew he was being petulant, but he didn't care.

Donna arched her eyebrow and looked at him as if he were an idiot. He was an idiot. "Ok, let's have it. You're pissed with me. Shall we start at the beginning?"

"I've no idea how to start this, Donna." He was angry. His face was flushed red and she could see sparks of fire in his eyes.

"Okay, then let me start." She adjusted her blouse and re-crossed her legs in an attempt to get comfortable. "I know I've screwed up Harvey. I know this is down to me."

Harvey sucked in a breath of air. Did he just hear that right? She screwed up. Did that mean she thought he hadn't screwed up?

"Please talk to me, Harvey."

"Donna … I …" He ran his hand through his hair, resting it on the back of his neck. "You've been away for a month. A goddamn month. You never said a word, you just left. I didn't even know if you were coming back."

"Harvey, I texted you a whole bunch of times letting you know where I was and that I was fine."

He rubbed the back of his neck and buried his eyes beneath an even heavier frown. "And if you think that made everything okay then you really don't have a clue. I never thought I'd ever be saying this to you. You know everything, right? Donna knows goddamn everything! Well either you actually know shit or you just don't give a shit, because where I'm sitting you must have known that running off after everything else you've done to me would be the same as pulling off the band aid and rubbing in salt."

Donna was hurt that he couldn't understand. Why couldn't he see things from her perspective? "So, is that why Scottie was present for my return yesterday?"

"What?" Harvey looked at her through narrowed eyes. Now she was provoking him. "Really, Donna? Really?" He raised his voice, making her jump.

"Come on, Harvey, you don't expect me to believe that was just a coincidence."

"No it wasn't just a coincidence but it had nothing to do with you. We've been working the same case for the past week, which you'd have known if you'd been here. We'd just reached an agreement and signed the deal. Seriously, what? You think I'm such an asshole that I sought out Scottie just to piss you off?"

Donna felt relieved, but she also realised she had been petty. "So what are we going to do, Harvey?"

"I don't know Donna, you tell me. You've spent a month with your parents and with friends. What do they think you should do?"

"Well my Dad wants me to move back to Cortland and maybe I should." The words left her mouth faster than she could stop them, tears filling her eyes as she remember how happy she was back home a few days ago.

Harvey felt like a knife had cut through his chest. "Well I'm guessing he must know the baby is mine if he wants you away from me." He was no longer outraged. Now he was devastated. "How angry is he?"

"Oh, he's pretty angry," said Donna. "But, that's because he wants the best for me. I'm always going to be his baby girl in pigtails and pinafores. He doesn't want to see me upset."

Every muscle in Harvey's body tensed, including the ones in his cheeks which were pulsing rapidly as the blood pumped angrily around his veins. "That's not down to me!"

Donna rested her arm on the back of the sofa facing him and rubbed her forehead. She wasn't getting anywhere, in fact she was making things worse. "I know it isn't down to you, Harvey. I told him it wasn't down to you. I went away because I needed a break and I wanted to spend some time with my family. I should be able to do that without returning to this."

Harvey sighed loudly. "I know. I just hate it when you're not here."

In all the years Donna had known Harvey they hadn't spent more than a week apart. She realised that the effects of her leaving had hit him hard. "I'm not going back to Cortland, Harvey. This is my home."

"Good."

They were back to one word answers again. And he still wasn't looking at her. She decided to change the subject. Sort of.

"Hey, I think I've been feeling the baby move already." She injected some enthusiasm into her voice hoping that it would perk him up.

He turned to look at her, the frown left his face instantly. "Have you? What's that like?" He smiled and his eyes pinged with excitement.

"It's really strange and really low down, it's like lots of little bubbles." Her hand moved over her belly as she talked about the tiny, fluttery movements she'd been feeling over the last few days.

"Wow." He grinned as she told him and she saw his eyes come back to life. "That's pretty awesome."

"It's totally awesome."

"You look great by the way."

She scrunched up her nose and frowned. "You think so?" She hadn't got used to her pregnant body yet and she couldn't imagine she looked better in her new maternity clothes than she did in her old designer dresses. She missed her old self.

"Sure. You look beautiful."

Donna felt herself blush. She couldn't remember Harvey calling her beautiful before.

"I'll be okay Donna. You needed time with your family. I get that. I need time too." He looked at her and held her gaze, searching her eyes for the assurance that she understood him. "I know this is bigger for you than it is for me. I'm going to be here and I'm always going to be here. I just need to get used to the fact we're going back."

"Going back?"

"Yes, going back to the way things were before."

"And do you think we _**can**_ go back?"

"I don't know, but I'd rather try to go back and come to terms with that's all we are rather than keep on feeling the way I do right now." He shifted in his chair and looked away, resting his chin on his arm. He looked defeated. God, she had hurt him so much.

"Harvey, I don't know if I want to go back," she said as a short, breathy sob left her body. "I don't know … I think I could have made the worst mistake of my life … I don't know if that's what I want."

He turned to her again, his eyes glazing over as he watched her try to hold onto her tears. "Donna, please, don't do this to me now."

"I'm sorry … I …"

"Have you any idea what you did to me when you turned me down. It took everything … _**everything**_ I had to tell you how I felt about you and it took even more to ask you …" His voice trembled as he forced out the words. "… to ask you to be mine."

"I know, Harvey. I knew from the beginning, I was just so scared … I …" She leant forward, hugging her body with her arms, before taking a deep breath and raising her head. Her eyes locked with his as she looked up. Both of them wondering if the other was going to risk the fight. "I love you so much." Her voice shattered into soft, painful cries as she spoke.

Harvey's heart ached as he watched her, but he didn't go to her. He couldn't. He stayed motionless in the armchair, resting his head in both of his hands. His brain working so hard to make sense of her words. He knew she hadn't ever been sure about her decision. He knew she loved him. It was her doubting him that had killed him. She didn't believe he was capable of having a relationship. She didn't have faith in him being there for her and the baby.

Donna stopped crying and sniffed, wiping the wetness from her face. "I'm sorry for doing this. I need to go now." She got up from the sofa, her legs wobbly, but carrying her out of the room swiftly. She needed some fresh air and she needed to leave Harvey to think about what she'd said to him, so she grabbed her bag and coat and left the office early for her doctor's appointment.

Harvey stayed where he was for a few more minutes. This is what Jessica had meant when she'd told him he'd have to fight for her. He either fought now, or he'd lose her and descend into even more misery.

X X X

Donna sat in the doctor's waiting room by herself. She'd thought about asking Rachel or Louis to join her, but it didn't seem right. She didn't want anybody to take Harvey's place so she went alone.

She flicked through a few magazines before getting bored with the celebrity drivel and putting them aside. Instead she watched the other two expectant moms in the room. One of them looked much further along in her pregnancy than Donna was and she sat hand in hand with her husband, both of them talking gently about how many times their baby had kicked today. The other mom had a smaller bump and was reading a storybook to a little girl who looked about three years old, while her husband was running down the hospital hallway after a toddler boy who looked like he'd just started walking. The little boy was laughing as his daddy chased after him and Donna felt a pang of sadness as she watched the hectic family command the attention of everybody in the room. That wasn't something she was ever going to have. She wasn't going to have a noisy family, it was only ever going to be her and her baby … with Harvey babysitting every other weekend so she could go on a date with somebody she couldn't ever love.

One of the women locked eyes with her and smiled. Was that a smile of pity for the single mom in the room? She wondered if it would be easier if she wore a fake wedding ring on her next appointment. She couldn't bear the pity of strangers.

She'd been sitting for almost half an hour when he sat down beside her.

She hadn't expected him to come. She thought he was too upset. She thought he might still be sitting on that chair in his office.

"You came." She smiled. She was happy he was there.

"Are we going to see stuff again?"

"Yes, I'm having my twenty week scan today."

Harvey's eyes beamed. "You are? Great." He hadn't even known what the appointment was for. He just knew deep within his soul that he had to be there. He wanted to be there.

"Thank you for coming, Harvey." She placed her hand tenderly on his arm.

He placed his hand on hers. "Wouldn't miss it for the world."


	15. Chapter 15 - The Fight

THE BEST PART OF ME

CHAPTER 15 – The Fight

Donna lay on the examination bed in the obstetrician's office with Harvey at her side. He had taken off his suit jacket and made himself comfortable for her scan by rolling up his sleeves. He was really excited to be going to see his baby again and he was grinning widely, making Donna giggle.

He brought his head close to hers and whispered. "What's the matter?"

"Just you."

"What am I doing?"

"You just look … different."

"Different good or different bad."

She crossed her legs as she lay on the bed, a sheet covering her lower body and her hair fluffed around her shoulders. A smile creased the skin at both sides of her mouth and her cheeks dimpled. "Good. Very good."

He took her hand in his and smiled. Their eyes locked together and she felt waves of emotion ripple down her body. "Harvey. I _**am**_ sorry about …"

"Shhh, don't. There's no need. We'll talk later, okay."

She sucked on her bottom lip and nodded her head. She was just happy he was talking to her – properly – at last.

The door swung open and Donna's obstetrician, Dr. Walker, entered the room. Donna had decided not to take Harvey's offer of paying for the 'best' obstetrician in the city (as he called him), because she had warmed to the silver haired, softly spoken Dr. Walker whose kind manners and enthusiasm about her pregnancy made her feel at ease.

Dr. Walker extended her hand to Harvey. "You must be the baby's father."

"Yes, Harvey Specter," he said as he stood, shook the doctor's hand, then took his seat next to Donna again.

"Good to see you again, Donna. How have you been since I last saw you?"

"Fine. I'm able to eat again, which is great and I've felt some movements already."

"That's wonderful." Dr. Walker had a lovely British accent which reminded Harvey of Dr. Agard. What was it with British doctors in New York City? She was an older lady, maybe even in her early sixties, with sharp blue eyes and silver bobbed hair.

"Okay, today is what we call an anomaly scan which we use to check for any problems in baby's development. Now, when we get baby up on the screen again there is a good chance I'll be able to determine the gender. Do you want to know what it is?"

"Yes!" said Donna. "No!" said Harvey.

Dr. Walker grinned.

Harvey looked surprised. "You were going to find out?"

"You don't want to? Why not?"

"Well it would be like opening all your Christmas presents before the big day."

Donna arched her eyebrows and cocked her head at him. "Are you telling me you didn't do that as a kid?"

"Well, no … I mean I did. All kids did that, didn't they?"

Donna laughed at how sweet he was for wanting a surprise, although she thought it was a bit out of character for the man who liked to control every minute detail of his life.

"Why do you want to find out?" he asked.

Donna leaned in and whispered. "So I can go shopping!"

"Why don't you buy everything you want in blue as well as pink, then we'll just donate half of it."

"It's not just that Harvey. I … uhm …" She looked at Dr. Walker who was waiting patiently to begin her examination, slightly uneasy at talking in front of her. The doctor noticed her hesitation and moved to the back of the room, faffing with some files and looking through Donna's notes. "Well, it's just that I've been feeling a bit disconnected. Right from the beginning really. I thought if I knew who the baby was, then I might feel more … well, attached to it."

Harvey took it all in. He hadn't thought she'd been feeling this way. He realised how little they'd talked between themselves about the baby and how ill-prepared both of them were to welcome their child into the world.

"If you want to find out, then I want to find out too," he said, squeezing her hand tightly.

"You sure?"

"Absolutely. It is a boy though."

"A boy?" She raised her eyebrows at his assertion. "You think?"

"I know."

"You know nothing, Harvey Specter."

"Oh and I suppose you know what the baby is seeing as you know everything?"

"Well, now that you come to mention it, maybe I do."

"And …"

She scrunched up her nose, trying to prevent the grin that was tugging at the corners of her mouth. "As it happens, I've been thinking it was a boy too."

Harvey laughed, his eyes beaming. "Ha! I don't believe it. You just didn't want me to take the credit for guessing correctly."

"That's not it …" She moved around on the bed, getting comfortable as she saw Dr. Walker returning to the seat next to her. She was grinning now. She'd been caught. "Okay, okay. You got me."

"So you've decided to find out then?" asked Dr. Walker.

"Yes, we have," said Harvey decisively.

"Well, fingers crossed baby doesn't have his … or her … legs crossed then." Dr. Walker pushed a few buttons on her console and had a last check around her area to make sure she had everything she needed. "Okay, Donna, can you raise your gown for me. I'll just remind you that the gel is going to feel a bit cold."

Donna did as the doctor asked and Harvey stared at her belly. He couldn't believe how quickly her bump had developed and he found her new shape beautiful. He hadn't expected to feel that way, but he did. Knowing his child was growing inside her made him feel the proudest he'd ever felt in his entire life. And it made him feel even more in love with her.

Donna caught his gaze and smiled as she saw him staring at her bump. She felt relaxed and she felt for the first time that they were going to be able to work things through.

X X X

Dr. Walker showed them their baby on the screen again and they were both overjoyed to learn that 'Junior' was measuring correctly, had progressed as expected and there was no sign of any anomalies. It was a different experience to the last scan they had during that terrible night in the ER. This time they were able to watch their baby move around and ask lots of questions without the worry that something might be seriously wrong.

"Can you see, here?" asked Dr. Walker as she motioned the scanner towards the centre of Donna's belly, just below her belly button. The baby's face came into view, a hazy white scull shape with two black patches they both could see where it's eyes.

"He looks like he should be on a pirate's flag."

"Harvey!" No he doesn't! He's beautiful."

All three of them laughed.

"Baby is sucking his thumb, look. Oh and … can you feel that?" The doctor paused the scanner as Donna concentrated on feeling something. But she didn't know what she was supposed to be feeling.

"I can't feel anything," she whispered.

The doctor chuckled. "Look at the screen. What do you think's happening?"

They both watched the image of their baby on the monitor that was raised above the bed. They could see their baby sucking its thumb, but then they saw a sudden, jerky movement, followed by the baby's legs jumping upwards. They both gasped.

"What's it doing?" asked Harvey.

Dr. Walker grinned. "Watch again."

Thirty seconds later it happened again.

"Hey, I think I felt that!" Donna's eyes grew wide, wondering what on earth was happening. "Just little fluttery movements low down."

"That'll be your baby's feet," said Dr. Walker. "Do you know what's happening yet?"

They watched some more. The same thing happened again moments later.

"Is it … hiccupping?" asked Donna.

"It sure is," said Dr. Walker.

Harvey started to chuckle. "Wow, he can hiccup already? He's going to be a good drinker when he's older. It's a good thing I already purchased a very rare bottle of Macallan to keep for his twenty-first birthday."

"You bought … what?" asked Donna, raising her eyebrows in despair.

Harvey rolled his eyes. "Don't worry, it's for me really. We'll share a drink on his twenty-first. Just like my dad with me."

The doctor smiled as she took a few more measurements. "Okay, I have a good view of baby's reproductive organs." She froze the screen a few times, taking a picture just to be sure, before letting the screen return to the image of their hiccupping baby.

A few moments passed while Dr. Walker checked and double checked the series of marks on the scan image. "What were your bets about the gender, then?"

Donna gripped Harvey's hand with excitement. "It's a boy, isn't it? Just like we said?"

"Donna knows everything. She is never wrong."

The doctor chuckled. "Well as you're looking at your baby girl on that screen right now, I'd say there's a first time for everything."

"A … girl …" stammered Donna in surprise.

Harvey gasped. "No way! What am I going to do with my bottle of Macallan?"

"Harvey, don't be so sexist. A girl can drink. I know I did. Often. And long before my twenty-first."

Harvey didn't respond. He was in shock. What on earth was he going to do with a little girl? In his mind, he had pictured baseball games and lots of cars. He knew children were individual people, not genders, and a girl could like baseball … and cars …? but what if …? Oh, what did it matter? He'd just have to learn everything there was to learn about little girls.

"How sure are you about the sex?" asked Donna.

"I got a good view and I haven't been wrong in over a decade, so I'd say 99%."

Donna beamed, her eyes filling with tears. "Good. Oh my god, am I going to do some shopping!"

The doctor finished up what she was doing and entered all the information into Donna's file, then she passed Donna some paper towels to clean up the gel and told them they were finished and everything was perfect. She printed out some photographs of the baby sucking her thumb and popped them into the same cards with the teddy bear on the front that they'd been given before.

X X X

A few minutes later Ray was driving them back to the office.

Harvey still wasn't saying much.

Donna leaned in close to him on the back seat of the Lexus. "What are you thinking Harvey?"

"I'm just wondering what our little girl is going to be like," he replied, his eyes glistening with excitement.

Donna smiled warmly at him. "You aren't disappointed it's not a boy, are you?"

"No way, absolutely not. I mean it was a shock to begin with because I don't know much about girls. I've never been one after all. I only thought a boy would have been easier because I can remember what it was like to be a boy. I have a niece – Daisy – she's nearly ten now. I should have spent a lot more time with her."

They both laughed as the car rolled through the city. Donna glanced out of the window. Rain had started to fall heavily and the streets were suddenly filled with hundreds of umbrellas as people went about their business in the downpour.

"I can't believe I was wrong about the baby being a boy," said Donna. "When does that happen?"

"Oh, I can think of quite a few times that's happened."

Donna gasped in mock shock. "What? I'll have you know that has _**never**_ happened and even if you think it has happened, it probably hasn't happened."

"Whatever you say."

Donna glared at him. "Anyway, you can consider yourself outnumbered. From now on, we're two-to-one. Oh my god this is awesome! You're never going to get your way about anything ever again."

Harvey looked horrified. "Shit. I hadn't thought of that. Is that what it was like when you were growing up?"

Donna scowled, but then twisted her face, trying to pretend she hadn't.

Harvey laughed. "I caught that."

"Okay, okay … you got me. I was a daddy's girl."

Harvey eyes creased with laughter as he watched her trying to squirm her way out of that revelation. "Yeah, I think our baby is going to be a daddy's girl too."

Their eyes locked again as he talked about their daughter. Donna felt the need to apologise to him again. This moment they were in was so unbelievably special that she forgot all of her prior worries about Harvey failing them. She felt guilty and she wished she could turn back time.

"What are you thinking?" Now it was Harvey's turn to ask her that question.

"I'm thinking I'm sorry. Again."

"I'm sorry too. I've been behaving like a jerk. I just couldn't … you know … get myself out of that pit of self-pity."

"That was all down to me, Harvey. I should never have done what I did."

Harvey swallowed hard. "It doesn't matter."

"It does matter. I was wrong. I wish I could go back and change …" her voice broke as she sniffed back tears.

"Hey, it really doesn't matter. I don't want you to keep thinking about this. I understand … hell, I always understood. I don't blame you for worrying about what would happen if we tried and failed. I mean, I know that worry. It's been with me for the past twelve years."

Donna nodded as she took in what he was saying. "Okay, so you're not pissed at me anymore?"

"No, of course I'm not. How can I be pissed after this afternoon? I'm … Jesus Christ, Donna …" He broke into laughter as he spoke, ruffling his hair slightly with his hand. "… I'm happy. I'm really, really happy. I can't wait to be a dad. I really can't. This is going to be great."

Donna's heart leapt into her mouth. She was ecstatic that he was so … ecstatic. But there was still another issue to resolve. "And what about us?"

Harvey looked away and inhaled deeply. His eyes changed and his head whirred with the words Jessica, Scottie and Dr. Agard had said to him over the past week. Then he turned back to her. He looked into her eyes and brushed her hair away from her face, allowing his fingers to twirl the shiny strands of copper. "I'm not letting you go. I'm not going to push you into anything, so I'll wait until you're ready, but I love you and I love our daughter. I'm going to fight for both of you and I'm not going to stop fighting until I show you the man I'm capable of being. The man you need me to be."

His words took her breath away. "I think you've already won that fight."


	16. Chapter 16 - Reassurance

**AUTHOR NOTE: Apologies for the update delay. I got a bit stuck with where to go next with this story as I could only foresee fluff, lol. I'm not good at fluff – I leave that to my superior fanfictioners! I'm better at the dramatics. OK, here is the next chapter, hinting at a new (dramatic) direction.**

 **I'm on holiday for a week in 2x days time so there won't be another update for a bit. Sorry about that … but you know … there's life outside of Darveydom! (sometimes).**

X X X

THE BEST PART OF ME

CHAPTER 16 – Reassurance

It had been four months since she'd seen him and as she waited in line to pass security, the butterflies appeared and a gigantic grin erupted all over her face. She'd missed him so much. She couldn't wait to see his cheeky smile, hear his voice and yes – if she was honest with herself – she was even looking forward to the teasing.

She knew he was going to drop some clangers. She was prepared. She'd thought of a few retorts herself.

As soon as she had her bag checked she asked if she was permitted to give him the present she'd brought for him. The security guard had said yes. She was delighted.

As she sat on the very uncomfortable plastic chairs of the visitor room she remembered the first time she'd visited him. He was in a bad way in the beginning and she'd been so worried about him. He didn't deserve this. She knew Harvey felt guilty, but she did too. She'd let him into that interview. She'd known from the first week that he was a fraud. She hadn't done or said anything about it either. How hadn't she realised it could end like this? It all seemed so unfair.

The doors opened and in they came.

Her insides flipped over in anticipation of seeing his sparkling blue eyes come through the door. Face after face appeared, but he came in last. He kept his head low, but his eyes still searched the room for whoever today's visitor was. She noticed the scab on his lip – a cut a few days old – and her heart sank. A purple bruise smudged the area over his left eyebrow. Her instincts were to grab hold of a prison guard and demand to know why he'd let her friend get hurt, but of course she didn't. She loved him as if he were her kid brother and she could be just as protective of him as Harvey.

He smiled widely as he approached her. He knew that she'd noticed the state of his face, but still he smiled. That was just who he was. It would take more than … than what? A punch in the face? Well, yes it would take more than a punch in the face for anyone to get the better of Mike Ross.

Donna stood to greet him and he rushed forward and drew her into a huge hug.

"Oh my god, look at you!" He beamed from ear to ear as he released her from his arms and looked at her growing bump. "Donna, you look amazing. This is amazing! How have you been? I mean Rachel's told me all about what's been happening, so I know it's been rough, but … wow … I am so happy to see you!"

She was smiling but there was sadness she couldn't hide from him in her eyes. Just a trace of it. "Mike, what's happened to you?"

"Me? … oh never mind that." He realised immediately what she was referring to. The latest in a list of altercations he'd had with his inmates. This one was because he'd apparently looked at someone the wrong way. He could see the worry in her face, so he lied. "Donna, seriously, I'm fine. Don't worry about it. Anyway …" He brought his head in closer to hers and lowered his voice "… you should see the state of the other guy."

Donna laughed but she wasn't buying it. "Who was it? Is he in this room now? Tell me, because if he is he'll have me to deal with."

Mike swallowed hard at the thought of her going to bat for him, but he smiled at her defending him, her red hair embodying her tiger-like courage. Everybody needed a Donna in their corner from time to time. "Uhm, Donna, you're pregnant. Not a great idea to be picking fights with hardened felons." He laughed as he spoke, but her worry was still there. He could tell. "Hey, it happens." He reached forward and took her hands in his. "Let's just say I have some protection in here, so you don't have to worry."

Donna's eyes ballooned. "Protection? From who?"

Mike gestured with his eyes to the left side of the room. "That guy," he said.

She turned her head and locked eyes with him. The man who had been gunning for Harvey since his time in the DA's office. The man who had backed Hardman. The man who had almost lost Harvey his place at the firm. Charles Forstman smirked at her. He knew who she was.

"You can't trust _**him**_ ," she whispered, averting her gaze from Forstman's and lowering her eyes.

Mike whispered back. "I know I can't." He squeezed her hand reassuringly. "Don't worry. I'm not going to do anything stupid, but if he wants to keep me safe in here – at the moment – then that's alright with me."

Donna nodded, but she felt uneasy. She hated Forstman. She wondered what he was planning.

"So come on, don't keep me waiting any longer. How have you been?"

"Oh you mean this," she pointed to her belly and laughed.

"Yeah, I do. I've been wondering for years when Mom and Dad were going to take the plunge."

There it was. Gag no.1. "Ok, I'll let you have that one." She narrowed her eyes at him, pretending to be offended. "I heard you gave Harvey some stick."

Mike laughed. "Damn right I did. I couldn't let that pass by. I could have gone at him all day. I've never seen him so worn down. He left here a different shade of colour than he'd arrived."

"He was in even more of a foul mood than usual when he got back to the office that day."

Mike chuckled again. "Ah, maybe I shouldn't have, but it was so funny."

"I can imagine," she said knowingly. "But, he is trying, you know?"

Their chatter evolved into an awkward silence. Donna thought back over the past few weeks. The stress, the worry, the fighting, the heartache. So much had happened and Mike hadn't been part of it. He couldn't know what they'd both been through.

"I was really worried about you when Rachel told me." Mike's blue eyes glistened with genuine concern as he reached forward and took hold of her hand again. "She said you'd been really sick."

"Oh yeah, god that was awful. I had like the worst morning sickness in the world. I couldn't even keep water down. I'm so thankful that's over with."

"Sounds pretty gross."

"It was. I ended up ruining six of Harvey's trashcans in the end and I practically lived in the bathroom for nearly two months. Then, I collapsed in front of Louis of all people."

"He told me. Poor Louis."

"Poor Louis?"

"I mean poor you … but … Louis would have been devastated. He adores you."

"He was my hero. He called an ambulance and came to the hospital with me. He's been sweet. Actually, he's been more than sweet with all of the baby stuff. He's really excited. He's already calling himself Uncle Louis."

Mike cleared his throat. "Yeah he's been here and he told me all about it. He's … uhm … more than excited about his impending uncle-dom. But how's Harvey taking that?"

"Not great. Seriously, this is my new battle. Harvey is threatening a restraining order when I have the baby. He thinks Louis is going to dress her in a cat Babygro and sneak her back to his house in that ridiculous cat carrier of his."

Mike gasped and instinctively drew his hands to his chest. "Her? You said 'her'?"

"I sure did," said Donna with a grin.

"Is it …?"

"Yep."

Mike ran his hand through his hair chuckling. "Donna, that's great. A little girl. Oh my god Harvey is going to love her so much."

"Yeah, I know he will." She beamed as she remembered how in love with his daughter he was already. Ever since they had the scan and received the news he'd been talking about taking her to ballet recitals and pony riding clubs. It was the epitome of sweet. "Oh, I have something for you," she said remembering her gift. She picked up her bag and picked out the little card holding the baby's latest scan image. She opened up the card and placed the scan in front of him. "There she is."

Mike beamed as he took hold of the card. "I can keep this?" Donna nodded. "Wow, thank you." His eyes glazed over as he looked at the monochrome profile of his two best friends' baby. "This is amazing. I just …"

Donna sensed his mood shift as his eyes watered. "What is it, sweetheart?"

He sighed deeply and scrunched up his nose to stop the tears from falling. "I wish I was there. I miss you all."

Donna leaned forward and rested her hand on his arm as he kept tight hold of the picture. "I know you do. I wish I'd visited you more often. I'm sorry …"

Mike sniffed. "No, no, you've had enough to deal with. You've been sick and … uhm … dealing with Harvey. I didn't expect you to be here. I understand and it's fine. I'm not short of visitors. I see Rachel every few days. Then, Harvey, Harold, Jimmy … oh and Louis have all been. Hey, even Katrina Bennet came to seem me a couple of weeks ago."

"That's great, Mike."

"Yeah, I know … and I'll be out of here in no time. I literally can't wait to see Harvey as a dad. That's going to be awesome." He practically hugged the scan photo with his fingertips, as he spoke, his eyes sparking with joy. "I'm so happy for the both of you."

"Thanks Mike. It's been a bit of a rough ride, but we're getting there."

"Yeah, I could have imagined that even if Rachel hadn't told me. Harvey took the news badly to begin with, huh?"

"I wouldn't say badly. I'd say 'strangely'."

Her choice of words made immediate sense to him. Harvey's way of coping with life-changing events was always going to be unpredictable. "And how is he now?"

"He's trying. He … uhm … and don't laugh I mean it! …" She caught his expression revert back to mischief. "Okay, he wants us to make a go of things. You know … together."

"He does?" Mike looked scared. "Wow. In a kind of doing-the-right-thing way? Wait a minute … oh no … what's next? Does your dad have a shotgun?"

"He says he's in love with me."

The mischief disappeared immediately from Mike's face. This was serious. He felt like an immature baby. There was a time for teasing and a time for being a friend. "It must have taken a lot for him to admit that."

Donna gulped. Her eyes conveyed the strength of her guilt. She looked down at the table sheepishly, running her finger down a crack in the plastic veneer which looked like a thunderbolt. "It did." She gulped again. "And I all but destroyed him."

Mike wasn't certain he wanted to know the ins and outs of what had happened. He felt like he was about to become privy to some very private pieces of information. But he realised he was the closest to both Donna and Harvey and probably the only one who could act as confidante to both of them. If Donna wanted to open up to him, then he'd do his best to help. "What happened?" he asked gently.

"I got scared. Jesus, you know what he's like Mike. All the years I've known him he's been running from who he is and how he feels. I didn't believe he could do it and my not believing in him … well it almost broke him."

Mike sighed, his face baring the grief he'd have experienced if he'd been there for them in person through it all. "He needs you."

There was that word again. 'Need'. Donna bristled. "I don't want him to throw his cap into the ring for me because he _**needs**_ me, Mike. I want him to want me for who I am, not what I do with his goddamn calendar."

Mike interjected quickly. "Donna, that isn't what I meant. I mean he can't live without you. You must know that. Gretchen did his calendar fine, so this isn't about work. He needs you. It's like you're a part of him … the _**best**_ part of him."

It was good to hear someone else say what she hoped was the truth. She allowed her posture to relax as the wave of reassurance washed over her. "I'm trying to make it up to him."

"I'm sure you don't need to. He'll understand. Sometimes people just can't see what's under their noses. You've known and accepted him more than anybody else he's ever tried to have a relationship with. He trusts you and of course he loves you. We all saw that. We all knew who you were to him. It just took him that little while longer to realise ..." Mike cleared his throat and his eyes twinkled with mischief again. "… because he's a bit of a dick."

Donna laughed out loud. "Thanks Mike."

"Now promise me something."

"Name it," she said with a half-moon grin.

"Visit me more often. I've missed you."

She agreed – how couldn't she? They chatted away for the rest of their hour. Mike talked about some of his inmate friends and how's he's helping them with free legal advice. He seemed so enthusiastic about the position he was in, but that was Mike all over. He was an idealist. He needed everything in his world to be right. He was also an optimist. He'd almost served a quarter of his sentence – or maybe even half of it if he was let out early on good behaviour. He wasn't going to pine away all of those months – not when he could put his situation to good use and help people.

Donna hadn't paid much attention to Forstman during their conversation. In fact, it wasn't until the guard announced the end of visitor time that she remembered he was there – at the far side of the room. At that moment she turned and met his gaze again. He was seated casually, his arms flung over the back of the chair. His legs crossed giving off a nonchalant posture that told the world he owned the place. Knowing him, he probably did own the place. She looked away from him as quick as she could. There was something about that man which made her feel so uneasy.

She had been sitting for an hour and her ass felt like it had died. She straightened in the seat, stretching out her back which jolted, making her yelp.

"Are you okay?" asked Mike as he stood to leave the room.

"Yeah, yeah," she said ushering him away. "Just a bit stiff thanks to junior."

"Is that what Harvey said that night when you two …"

"Get back to your cell, Dead Man Walking!"

"Fine, I deserved that." He chuckled as he walked to the door gripping the baby scan photo tightly in his hands. He slotted into position between a couple of inmates and winked at her as he walked through the doors.

She picked up her bag and got ready to be told she could leave when Forstman came up behind her, leaning in closely and whispering into her ear. "Pass my _**deepest**_ congratulations onto Harvey, won't you?"

Donna shuddered as he brushed past her and joined the back of the line. He looked back and smirked in that unsettling way of his. He made her feel sick. She knew he was up to something and she was frightened. The last thing they needed was yet another threat in their lives.

X X X

Charles Forstman had a way of getting everything he wanted inside Danbury for one single reason. Money. It wasn't brawn or brains that got you ahead inside. It was money. Money, after all, could buy you all the brawn you needed and all the brain you didn't have. Fortunately for Forstman he already had more than his fair share of brain, so after buying the brawn in all the months previous to Mike's incarceration he had already risen to the top of the tree.

His position awarded privileges. He had contacts on the outside. He still spoke to his business associates daily. Today wasn't unusual. He had had visitation from one of his CEOs. They had talked. They had formulated a plan. The plan had changed – slightly – when he had realised the life of the one person in the world who he hated more than any other had taken an upswing. How hadn't he heard about Harvey Specter becoming a father? The ground which he still kept his ear almost surgically attached to had failed to bring him that news.

Never mind. There was still time to manoeuvre things.

He picked up the phone in the private room he always went to and he called the person who was all set to make things happen.

"I have news on Harvey Specter," he said through the black mouthpiece of the telephone. "We've been thinking about this the wrong way. Sure, we can get to him by taking away his firm or his goddamn legal licence, but if you want the best way to get to him – the sure-fire way to break the bastard, then we've been barking up the wrong tree from day one." He smiled as he listened to the eagerness of his associate sitting in his New Jersey office, taking the telephone call. "The best way to get to him is through the one person in the world he truly loves."


	17. Chapter 17 - Brick by Brick

THE BEST PART OF ME

CHAPTER 17 – Brick by Brick

 **Thank you all for your patience! All back after a lovely week's holiday camping in France with the family.**

 **Before I continue this story I'd just like to thank everyone who has given me reviews, follows and favourites thus far. I only started writing fanfic in February and I'm finding it so much fun to be able to share what I write with you all. I'm sure I'm not taking this as seriously as I could – I just write what I think is 'fitting' to the characters as I understand them and I write to please myself in the hope that this trickles down and pleases others too. In just three short months I've had almost 650 reviews which is AMAZING for this particular fandom, and I find all the follows and favourites encouraging too. I didn't expect anything like this response, so a massive heartfelt thank you to everyone who has supported me and spurred me on.**

 **I write fanfics purely for enjoyment and for writing practice as my "real-life job" involves a lot of very serious writing! Reviews are so useful and when it comes to criticism, please feel free to offer that too. I have run successful businesses for over 15 years and I approach criticism as follows: A) If it's fair then it is useful and I'm grateful for it. We should all be aware that we have a lot to learn! B) If the criticism is unfair then I ignore it and it's gone from my mind. It really is as simple as that! ;)**

 **Peace and love, everybody! xxx**

X X X

"So what do you think?"

Donna stood in the pristine apartment building that Harvey had purchased for her and the baby. If she were honest, it wasn't 100% her style, but furnishings and colour schemes could easily be changed later. Functionally, the apartment had everything she needed – two good sized bedrooms, a lovely kitchen and a great living area which had an offshoot she already figured could double as a playroom. It was more than perfect, yet she still felt a little uneasy. She had always been independent, relying on herself for everything. She loved Harvey, but she didn't want to feel beholden to him and a home was a huge gift.

"It's perfect for what we'll need. I think it will work out great." Her voice was laced with just enough gratitude and optimism that she hoped she'd hidden her doubts.

Harvey's eyes squinted as he did his best to analyse her facial expressions. "There's something else. What is it?" He knew a poker face when he saw one.

Donna sighed and rested against the white kitchen counters that mirrored Harvey's own fixtures thirty floors up in the same building. "I just can't get used to you buying this all for me, that's all. I've always looked after myself."

Harvey nodded his head as he processed what she was telling him. "Okay, sure I get that."

"You do?"

"Yeah, of course I do." He stood next to her and smiled understandingly, his eyes telling her that he wanted to do everything he could to make sure she was comfortable. "How about I put this place in the baby's name like I said before. You can keep your own place going and rent it out so you're not giving anything up."

Suddenly an idea came to her and her eyes sparked with excitement. "Hey, I could pay you my rent money to make up for what this place cost!"

"Donna, I don't need that money, you just keep it. Save it up if you have to." He watched as her positive energy floated away as quickly as it had appeared and the penny dropped. "Okay, yeah sure, that would help pay the mortgage on this. Whatever you think, but I don't want you to feel like this is me throwing money at a problem because it isn't. I mean, I don't want you to worry about anything and that's one of the reasons I did this, but I have what I have because of you anyway. I'm only giving you back what you gave to me in the first place."

She knew he was being sincere even if she didn't completely feel as intrinsic to his success as he thought she was. 'I don't want to know what kind of lawyer I'd be without you.' He had always been semi-dependent on her for her guidance and her support and for keeping him in check whenever he threatened to do something dumb. They had built 'his' lifestyle together and they had – almost – destroyed it together when he took on Mike and she kept his secret. They were a team, unified and equal in the highs as well as the lows. "I'd be really happy if we did it this way."

"Then, that's fine with me. Whatever makes you happy."

"Thank you, Harvey."

He grinned at her acceptance. He was pleased he could do this for her. He wished he could do more, but he knew it was going to take one small step at a time. He was fighting and he wouldn't stop fighting, but at the same time these waters he was about to swim in were so strange. He had lost control of his life. He wanted to get control back, but he didn't know where to start. He hoped that, piece by piece, he could do both. Fighting for what he wanted and reclaiming control at the same time.

There had been silence while he had been contemplating their future and Donna had noticed him drifting into thought, his mind absent from her presence. "What are you thinking, Harvey?"

Her question brought him out of his daydream. He didn't know how to express his feelings of course. He didn't want to reveal his worries either, but he was learning that his was what she needed from him. She needed the walls to come down and he knew he'd have to remove every inch of his self-built layer of protection brick by brick if he was going to have a chance of making things work with her.

He walked closer to her and took hold of her hand, his thumb moving tenderly over her skin as he waited for the words to come. "I want to get this right so badly that I'm constantly shitting myself that I'm going to screw up. It's like I'm second guessing everything I say to you."

She squeezed his hand reassuringly. Harvey Specter had the heart of a lion in his own world, yet once he was pulled away from the comfort of legal affairs and into a world revolving around affairs of the heart he morphed helplessly into a lamb waiting for slaughter. This contradiction had been one of the things which had made her fall in love with him. She had seen through the bravado and the cockiness from day one and she had 'got him' like nobody else ever had. "Harvey, I know you. From the second I met you I knew who you were. I know what's in your heart and that's why we work. I don't want to change who you are because who you are is the person I want you to be. If I wanted hearts and flowers and fluffiness then I'd be standing here talking to somebody else."

He creased his brow in confusion. "Hey, I can do hearts and flowers." Then he twisted his bottom lip. "I'll give you the fluffiness though," he said with a chuckle.

She giggled at him. "Harvey, I'm Donna, and I know you. I know you inside and out. Don't ever try to be somebody you're not because I … well, I love you just the way you are and I always have." She found herself faltering on the 'love' word herself, but he didn't bristle or pull away or look uncomfortable, instead, he smiled and he held her hand even tighter so she continued. "The only thing I need you to do is tell me how you feel and not run away from me. You have so much courage in everything you do outside of your relationships. I want you to have courage with me too."

He sighed because he knew this was something he didn't have. "I think I'm going to need time to find that type of courage. And some help."

"You could always find yourself a scarecrow and a tin man to help."

Harvey snorted a small laugh. "I don't think a courage badge pinned to my chest would be convincing."

She smiled. "You'll get there, Harvey. I know you will."

"You mean, 'I'll get there if you get me there'."

"Well, maybe," she said with a wink. "But it doesn't matter how you get there as long as we get there in the end." She picked up her bag and swung her coat over her arm. "Now, I think we should be getting back to the office."

Harvey nodded and started to follow her but there was something else he wanted to say. It was something he had wanted to ask for some time but he had been afraid. This was the time. The first of many bricks he needed to take down.

Donna had noticed he was lost in thought again. She looked at him, her eyes pleading with him to tell her what was on his mind.

"Can I ask you one last thing?" he said finally. His eyes were low, not meeting hers.

"You can ask me anything, Harvey."

He looked up forcing himself to see her and he inhaled deeply. "Do you regret what we did that night in the office? Do you regret it took the result of that to get us here?"

"What do you mean?" Her voice was serious, but there was a trace of vulnerability in her tone.

Harvey knew he'd have to choose his words carefully, but he also knew with certainty that she wanted him to be straight with her. "I mean if it wasn't for what we did that night Mike went to prison and the fact that our baby … our daughter … was the result, would we ever have gotten to where we are?"

His question had validity because she had wondered the same. "I don't know, Harvey. We wouldn't be where we are by this timeframe I guess, but does it really matter? I don't deal in 'if's' Harvey. We can't go back and change what's happened."

"Would you want to change it if you could?"

"What? No!" Donna gasped in shock at what he was asking her. "Harvey, I'm forty years old and if this hadn't happened to me now it may never have happened. I love our baby and I wouldn't have wanted to make her with anybody else but you."

"You mean that?"

How didn't he know? How could she make him believe in himself? "Harvey, I can't believe you're asking me this. You know I love you, right?"

His face flushed as he struggled to meet her gaze. The view from the apartment window gave him something to concentrate on as his thoughts took up arms inside his head and fought against one another – insecurity on one side, fear on the other.

"Harvey. Speak to me!"

He couldn't help his eyes glazing over and he hated what that signified. Weakness. This was what it meant to be weak and Dr. Agard had been wrong, caring didn't make him strong. It felt ugly and it felt strange and he didn't like it one bit. "I believe you love me."

"You 'believe' I love you? Harvey, you're confusing the hell out of me here. Please tell me you 'know' I love you."

"Yeah, I do, that's what I meant … I …" He looked to his feet, tapping the sole of one of his shoes on the polished floorboards. "I just don't know why. I have never known why."

Donna gulped as she realised just how vulnerable this man who she had loved for so long truly was. Of course she knew that he had struggled to express his emotions all of his adult life and had never had a long term loving relationship, but how could he not know his own worth? This was a man who could close any deal with an opposing litigator or negotiate a killer contract with a client without either knowing what had hit them until it was too late. She had helped build that dynamic person who won every battle he fought. Now she would have to help build a different kind of person and this brand of self-confident Harvey Specter was going to be even more challenging.

"Harvey, I have spent twelve years of my life by your side. Does that not tell you something?"

"Yes and no. It's just you've never told me … why …?"

She sighed. It was true. She hadn't told him why. "I've just always loved you, Harvey. I love who you are. I've never thought about the reasons why. In the beginning I loved that you were so smart and funny and you made me laugh. I loved being with you every day, watching you win, watching you work, watching you fight for people you cared about. But then it became more than that. I loved how you spoke, how you moved, how you looked at me … I loved everything about you and … well, we're one hell of a team."

A smile tweaked both sides of his mouth. "We sure are a great team," he said. "It's just I didn't know how you felt about me and I wish you'd told me."

"You weren't ready back then, Harvey. And I have told you this already. I just convinced myself that I had to take what you were capable of giving to me and I enjoyed every day of that. Until last year when you … when I left to work for Louis."

"I understand why you did that now."

"You do?"

"Yeah. I was an asshole."

She couldn't help but giggle at what he called himself. If she could say one thing about him, he was sure as hell honest. "I just couldn't take the battering anymore, Harvey. I couldn't go on as if nothing had happened. Not after you told me you loved me."

"Me saying that surprised me just as much as it did you. I mean, I was telling you the truth. I knew I loved you, but I didn't know myself what that meant. This sounds like bullshit and I know it does, but I truly didn't know how I felt and I had absolutely no idea how you felt. Not for certain. Looking back, I probably should have guessed and maybe I shot any inkling I had down in flames because it was easier that way. You were only partly right when you told me 'I had everything' because I thought I did have everything at the time. I had you there by my side every day. But, Jesus, you were also so wrong. I didn't have everything because I was too goddamn stupid to realise I could have had much more."

"Did you ever want more?"

His eyes snapped up and he met her gaze. She was watching him intently. "Donna, I'm a man who likes sex, of course I wanted more. I always wanted more, but with you I knew it was different. You weren't ever just someone for me to sleep with or someone I would try to have a relationship with and not give a shit if it failed. You mattered too much and you were far better than … than anybody. You deserved something I didn't think I could give you and if I'm honest, I still don't know if I can give you what you deserve and the fear … the agonising fear of me not being good enough is crippling. It feels like I'm paralysed and even though every impulse in my body is telling me to run, I can't. I'm frozen because I'm fighting and I'm fighting because I want you. I want to make this work. I can't lose you … I just … can't."

His voice broke and he had to take a sharp intake of breath to steady himself. He felt like shit, but he had opened up to her and right now he knew that that mattered more than appearing fragile in front of her.

And then he felt her arms around him.

Her strength making him strong and his weakness drifting away.

"You will _**never**_ lose me." Her words were unyielding and her voice was determined. He felt her angle herself to draw him in closer and her baby bump pressed into his abdomen. He relaxed at the weight and warmth offered by her body and he nuzzled into her neck. She always smelled so fresh and clean – the citrus of her shampoo mixed with the airy summer scent of her perfume.

She withdrew after a time and he brought her back in and kissed her. It was a different kiss than ever before. The fun, sexually charged kisses they shared during the other time twelve years ago were so much more, but so much less than this kiss. The passionate kisses they'd shared during that night in their office when they were both drunk, stoned and not having a clue what they were doing were also less than this kiss.

This kiss came from deep within Harvey Specter's soul, consuming Donna Paulsen in a way that she had never felt from him before. With the touch of his mouth on hers she could now taste his fear as it combined with the strength of his love for her. The pressure of his tongue entering her mouth told her that he was sure of what he wanted and he wasn't going to run away ever again.

As he held her tight in his arms she felt her own fear float away. He was going to be able to do this. He was going to be the man she always knew he could be and she would help him every step of the way.

"We really should be getting back to the office," he whispered finally as he stroked her hair.

"Yeah, we should," she mumbled into his throat as she reluctantly pulled away from the completeness of his embrace.

"Dinner tonight?"

"Yeah," she said with a smile. "Your place or mine?"

"You don't want to go out?"

"No, I want you to hold me and kiss me like you've just done all night long."

Harvey grinned widely and raised an eyebrow. "If that happens we might not get to eat."

"I'm not suggesting we bring out the whipped cream, Harvey," she joked, rolling her eyes.

He pouted comically. "Oh, why not?"

She batted his shoulder. "Come on, let's get back before Jessica wonders if we've jumped ship too."

They moved towards the door and she turned to face him before they exited back to the world of work.

"Your place and you bring the whipped cream this time."


	18. Chapter 18 - He's Back (again)

**Thanks to everyone for their lovely reviews of my last chapter. Really sorry for keeping you all waiting! I'll let you into a secret … I started this story with no idea how to finish it and I keep getting stuck. I was so excited to write the beginning, but didn't think of where to go afterwards.**

 **I hope that didn't show until now, lol! :D**

X X X

THE BEST PART OF ME

CHAPTER 18 – He's Back (again)

Harvey's eyes fluttered open at the noise. It sounded like he was sleeping next to a lawnmower. How was it possible that something so beautiful could make such a horrendous sound? He carefully twisted around and squinted at his clock. 5.47am. 'Sigh'. Not as bad as yesterday's cock-a-doodle wake-up call, thank goodness, but he still wanted more sleep. He was so not a morning person!

He jostled with his pillow, wrapping it around his head as he tried to muffle the sounds which were assaulting his eardrums. He knew it was because she was lying on her back. She shouldn't be lying on her back anyway – Dr. Walker had told her it was the worst possible position for both her and the baby.

She rolled over and kneed him in the groin, making him yelp.

"Get over to your own side!" she demanded, her eyes tight shut and her voice groggy with sleep.

He was already on his own side. In fact, half of his ass was hanging precariously off the side of the bed, chilly because she'd also stolen more than her fair share of the duvet.

"You were snoring. Please stop snoring." His pleas sounded pathetic, but he just wanted to sleep a little longer.

"I don't snore. Donna is perfection. Always."

"You sounded like a chainsaw."

"Fuck off."

"And my ass is freezing cold because you've taken all the covers. Seriously, look where you are in the bed …" He realised he sounded pissed off. She tutted and threw a chunk of duvet his way.

"Sorry." She turned over huffily, but groaned as her muscles reacted to the position she'd spent all night lying in.

"You okay?" He instinctively put his arm around her. It wasn't the first time this had happened. She was 26 weeks pregnant now and he knew she was starting to feel uncomfortable – especially at night.

"Yeah, it's just … Oh my god!"

"What?!" He raised his voice sharply, starting to feel concerned.

She moved onto her back again and raised herself up slightly, her red hair covering the stack of white cotton pillows that had also mysteriously gravitated to 'her side' of the bed. "Here, see if you can feel this time." She grabbed his hand and placed it to the left side of her belly.

He felt nothing.

It wasn't the first time she'd tried to get him to feel the baby move. Over the past few weeks, it was probably around the fiftieth. Each time he had tried to answer her request, but had been forced to reply with a resounding negative. Either that, or she had announced the baby had stopped moving. So, not expecting much – again – he snuggled in next to her and waited patiently for nothing.

But then he felt it. A slow push from under her skin which tapped into his hand as if to say, 'Hi Dad'.

"Oh my fucking god that was awesome!" he screeched in delight, his eyes glazing over under the soft morning light of his bedroom.

She giggled. "Keep your hand there."

He cuddled further into her as he felt it again. And again. Each time, stronger than the last. Each time taking his breath away as he revelled in the miracle … a miracle? Yes, although he wasn't even a tiny bit religious, this was surely the definition of a miracle. Lying in bed with the woman he loved. The woman who was carrying his baby inside her body. How was he so goddamn lucky all of a sudden?

"I think she's stopped now," whispered Donna into his ear.

He didn't move. He kept his hands on the firm mound of her abdomen, gently stroking the area to the left of her belly button where their baby had been kicking. "I love you."

"I love you too, Harvey."

"No, you don't understand. I mean I 'really' love you."

Donna giggled again. "And I 'really' love you too, Harvey."

"Let's sell that condo downstairs. There's no point in you being there when you're always here."

Donna turned around to face him, shifting awkwardly again as her strained muscles followed the movement of her bones. "Are you asking me to move in with you?"

"Uhm … yes?"

"Harvey, seriously, I've only been living downstairs for three weeks. Think of the moving fees and realtor fees you've incurred already."

"I don't give a shit about that." He wrapped his arm around her shoulders, pulling her closer to him. "Downstairs is too far away. I want you here all the time."

"I suppose I have been here a lot of the time." It was true. For the past six weeks they had been inseparable, spending all day together at work as well as lunchtimes together and most evenings together. Donna had spent the night in his condo more often than she'd been at her own place.

"I want you here permanently."

"You'd have to clear out your junk in the spare room."

"Why? You'd be sleeping here with me, wouldn't you?"

"And where would our daughter go?"

"Oh, right, yes. Shit, no more spare room …"

Donna giggled at him again. "Harvey, please tell me it hasn't only just dawned on you that your man-cave will have to go. Even with living arrangements the way they are right now, the baby would be spending some time with you and would need somewhere to sleep." She could see the outline of his pout against the skyline view of the city from the bedroom window.

"Yeah, I knew that."

"Harvey, I'm Donna."

He grimaced. She always knew. "Okay, okay, you got me."

She batted his shoulder playfully. "I think you should think about this some more. You do know what this would entail don't you?"

He traced circles on her upper arm with one hand as the other gripped around her waist as they lay in bed together. "Uhm … like what?" He sounded scared, but she figured it was a 'comedy scared' more than an 'actually scared'.

"Well, your manly bachelor pad would be invaded by colour, perfume, and handbags for one. It would be annihilated by a dirty bomb of Donna-ness."

"Shit."

"Then there would be your loss of wardrobe space. Your loss of bookshelf and DVD space … uhm the replacement of your weird art for my nice pretty art. The replacement of your weird man furnishings for my nice feminine furnishings. All the black leather would have to go too. Then, just as you've gotten used to all of that, there will suddenly be pink everywhere. Prams, swings, play mats, toys, dolls, blankets, teeny-tiny dresses … and not just in the spare room. This stuff is going to be everywhere in almost three months."

"You're not selling this to me very well."

"I think it's fair I let you know what you'd be getting yourself into."

Harvey grinned. "I know what I want." He placed a kiss on her forehead and gave her waist a squeeze.

Donna sighed and struggled free from his grasp, her tone turning more serious. "I know you do, Harvey, and I'm pleased, really I am … I just …" She sat up in the bed, forcing him to sit up too. "I don't think you appreciate how much your life would change."

"I do know and I've wanted my life to change for a long time now." He leant in towards her, brushing her hair from her face and he took her hand in his hand, lacing their fingers together and then gripping tightly. "My life has already changed and there's no going back, only forward. I've never been more happy or more certain about anything. Please, move in with me. I don't want you and the baby to live somewhere else, even if it is just downstairs."

She nodded as she did her best to read his facial expressions. She was certain he was certain. She was less certain he completely understood what being certain about this meant, but she'd promised herself months ago that she had to have faith in him. He had tried so hard to make things work and he had won. He could do this. He could be the man she needed him to be. "Okay, then. I'll move in with you."

"You mean it?" he said letting out a small laugh.

"I always mean what I say. But … well bear in mind we might need a bigger place."

"For more babies?"

"What?" she exclaimed, her eyes wide with astonishment of his eagerness. Who the hell had stolen Harvey Specter and replaced him with a doting Mr. Perfect? "Jesus Harvey, let's see if we can manage baby number one first."

"We're going to be awesome. How could we not? But what's wrong with this place?"

"Because it's a flash bachelor's condo. It's not a family home."

"We're a 'family' then?" he said with a devilish grin tweaking the corners of his mouth. "Now, look who's jumping the gun?"

"We're definitely a family, Harvey," she said enthusiastically. "We were a family the second we made our baby."

"Oh and that was a fabulous second, wasn't it?"

She batted his arm again. "Seriously?"

"I'm totally serious. We need to do that again."

"We do 'that' most nights, Harvey," she said with a chuckle.

"Not in my office we don't."

Donna raised her eyebrows at him. "Sex on your trophy shelf in my condition? The logistics of doing that again are null and void at least until junior makes her appearance. Not that I'm agreeing to doing 'that' again, mind you. We were lucky nobody walked in on us."

He looked to the ceiling with a huge grin on his face.

"You're thinking about people walking in on us, aren't you?"

"So what if I am?" A mischievous sparkle lit up his eyes and he smirked. "Wanna know who I'm thinking about?"

"Harvey! Stop!" Her eyes looked like they were going to pop out of her head.

"Hey, a guy's allowed to dream, isn't he?"

"Okay, so you're thinking about me, you and … Louis aren't you?"

His grin was instantly replaced with a frown as she laughed. "Never say that again."

"Don't worry. I don't want to share you with Louis."

He pouted and rolled his eyes. Then he squinted at his clock again. 6.30am. "And on that note we should probably get going."

Donna continued to laugh. "Are you sure you want to get going now?"

"Yeah, I have an eight-thirty."

"Okay, well it's just you're probably going to be thinking about Louis all day now."

"Trust me, I won't."

She got out of bed and headed to the shower. "But I will," she said with a wink before disappearing behind the bathroom door.

"I'll get you back for this!" he called after her.

X X X

It was precisely 8.29am when Harvey and Donna arrived on the 50th floor – now the only floor belonging to Pearson Specter Litt as Jessica had rented out the rest of their premium office space to various companies in order to pay their way since they lost the bulk of their partners, staff and clients.

The doors to the lift opened up to reveal a rather worried looking Jessica Pearson.

"Oh no, what's up. You look like you're about to kill my morning," said Harvey as he greeted her with a grim expression.

"It's not me who's going to kill it. Conference room now." Donna started to walk towards the office in the opposite direction. "Both of you," she said, stopping Donna in her tracks and forcing her to turn around and follow them into the room.

"I had a meeting … uhm … 30 seconds ago," said Harvey as he signalled the time by glancing at his watch.

"I got Gretchen to postpone it."

Harvey frowned. "Why?"

"We have more pressing business." Jessica held up a folded piece of paper which Harvey recognised as a subpoena. "This was delivered half an hour ago and I had to sign for it. If you'd both been here earlier you could have received it yourselves."

Harvey twisted his mouth at her dig at his late mornings. She started early – he finished late. What was the big deal? He held out his hand indicating that Jessica should pass him the document.

"It isn't for you," said Jessica as she passed it to Donna.

"Me?" Donna's eyes grew wide as she took the subpoena, her stomach sinking as he mind whirred with what this could be about. She unfolded the document and started to read, her brow creasing more and more with every sentence she read.

"What is it?" said Harvey, unable to disguise the concern in his voice.

"Stuart Dawson."

Harvey looked puzzled. "Who's he?"

"My ex-boyfriend. The guy who made me choose between him and you … uhm … working for you."

Harvey gulped.

Jessica stood up, sensing the matter was private. "I'll leave you two to it then," she said. They both nodded at her. Donna managed a very fleeting smile of gratitude before returning to her frown.

Harvey morphed from boyfriend to lawyer. "Okay, firstly. What's he being charged with and secondly, did you know?"

Donna sighed heavily. "He's facing insider trading charges and I'm being called to give evidence … but …" She passed the subpoena to Harvey who was eager to read the details.

"But, what?" Harvey didn't make eye contact as he continued to read.

"Harvey, I don't have the first clue what this is about."

"Well don't worry about it. It's probably nothing. You're being called for the defence, so that signifies that his defence team thinks you can help his case. Maybe they want you as character."

"I haven't seen him in eight years and we didn't part on good terms. Surely they could find better character witnesses."

Harvey's face changed, his eyes disappearing under a heavy brow of unease. "Something's not right here." He re-read the subpoena again, trying to work out why the court would be demanding Donna appear at his trial. "Subpoenas aren't usually issued like this unless they think you'll be hostile. Nobody's contacted you?"

Donna shook her head. "Of course not, I would have told you right away."

"What was this guy's job?"

"He was in insurance … wait … what the hell was his company's name again? Something to do with an eagle I think ..."

Harvey raised his eyebrows, his voice steady but rising. "Eagle Star Insurance?"

"Yes that's it!" Donna watched as his colour blanched. "Harvey, what's wrong?"

"They were one of ours. They were one of Daniel Hardman's biggest clients."

"What? When?"

"Around eight years ago."

Donna gulped as they both independently fitted the same pieces of the jigsaw together. "When Hardman left who took over?"

Harvey stood up, straightened his suit jacket and walked towards the door. "I did."

Donna stood and followed him. "Harvey, where are you going?"

"Time to make this year's trip to kick Daniel Hardman's ass."


	19. Chapter 19 - Family

THE BEST PART OF ME

CHAPTER 19 - Family

"Harvey Specter, what an insurmountable pleasure. I wondered how long it would take for you to show up in my office. What do you think? Do I have more partners and associates than Pearson Specter Litt?"

Harvey didn't flinch at Hardman's condescending words. He was a weasel and he was behaving exactly to type. "I'm just going to cut through the bullshit here, Hardman, and ask you what the hell this is all about?"

Daniel Hardman smirked as he sat behind his ostentatiously polished walnut desk, rows and rows of expensive legal books lining the shelves behind him and his trademark bonsai trees adding a touch of green to the stuffy, vintage-looking office. "Ah, I suppose you're talking about my representation of Mr Dawson."

Harvey cocked his head to one side, rolling his eyes. "I'm talking about what the hell you want with Donna."

Hardman grinned and folded his hands in front of him, lacing his fingers together as his elbows rested on the desk. "Let me fill you in then," said Hardman. His eyes were lit up by this new game he was playing. He was going to enjoy this. His hatred for Harvey and everyone else at Pearson Specter Litt was still as strong as ever.

"I was approached to represent Mr Dawson a few weeks ago. It appears that on the very same night you negotiated a deal to sell off Eagle Star Insurance to Hingis Turley Investments, Mr Dawson bought some stock. Actually …" Hardman laughed sardonically as his eyes grew wide with pleasure. "… as it turns out Mr Dawson bought a hell of a lot of stock and he went on to sell for five million dollars."

Harvey gulped. He knew instantly what this meant.

Hardman continued. "So, as you can imagine the State of New York were very interested to find out how someone like Mr Dawson could raise the capital for such a venture. So, they investigated and they came up with the hair-brained idea that he … somehow … acquired prior knowledge of the Eagle Star sell-off. After talking to Mr Dawson myself, I worked out that his then girlfriend, through the legal firm she still works for, was the only one who could have given him that kind of information. It's a small world where Donna Paulsen is concerned and in order to defend my client, I'm afraid I'm going to have to come after her for her part in this."

"This is bullshit and you know it, Hardman. Donna did no such thing and if this son-of-a-bitch got information from her then he'd have to have tricked her or … stolen it"

"Yes, yes, that's what I thought. At first …"

"You what? What the hell game are you playing here?"

"I realised that Donna has done so much in the past that would suggest this would fit with her normal pattern of behaviour, like … oh, I don't know ... destroying a very important memo, perhaps?" Hardman grinned again, clearly enjoying every moment of their interaction. "Eagle Star was one of my biggest clients and back then Mr Dawson was a mere insurance broker. Our paths never crossed in all the time I worked with Eagle Star, so I agree it does seem rather strange that a guy who only ever picked up the phone to buy and sell insurance would suddenly have that kind of information at his fingertips. So, I'll admit, I found it entirely believable when he told me that it was Donna who gave him the tip."

Harvey clenched his jaw and balled his fists, fighting the urge to beat the crap out of Hardman's smug face. He knew this was all his doing. "Hardman, I swear to god that if this is all down to you …"

"You'll do what, Harvey?" He smirked again and dismissed him with a flick of his hand. "You don't have a shred of power in this city anymore, so please, go away. I have work to do."

"This isn't the last you'll be hearing from me," said Harvey as he walked towards Hardman's office door.

Hardman laughed, "of course it won't be. But one last thing before you go."

Harvey turned around in the doorway. He was angry, agitated and feeling defeated. This wasn't how he'd planned his visit and he was surprised Hardman's colleagues weren't scraping him off the walls by now.

"Tell Donna that the prosecution will be calling to speak to her before Dawson goes to trial in a fortnight. I think you may know the prosecutor … a … erm … oh, what's her name again?" Then his head snapped up and an ear-to-ear grin spread across his face. "Oh that's right. Anita Gibbs."

Harvey stalked back into the office again, his physical presence easily overpowering Hardman, who shrank into his puffy leather chair. His eyes narrowed as he leant his palms on the desk between them. "If I find out you're behind this, I _**will**_ hurt you."

Hardman swallowed hard but his hateful expression didn't falter. "I must say, as much as I've always found Donna to be utterly delightful in person, even after she assaulted me, I did wonder why you let her hang around you for so many years. When I saw she'd jumped ship to Louis Litt's desk last year I thought 'maybe Harvey has finally realised what a tramp she is'. Surely the sex couldn't have been that good?"

It was as if a match had been lit. Harvey lunged forward and with one gigantic swoop of his arms, he scattered everything from papers and pens to laptop and bonsai tree off Hardman's desk, sending them crashing to the floor. He then grabbed Hardman by the lapels of his suit jacket and pulled him to his feet, the desk separating their bodies but their faces inches apart. Hardman gulped audibly, but his eyes remained fixed on Harvey, refusing to look away.

"If Donna's name leaves your lips one more time I swear I'll _**kill**_ you. Retract that subpoena."

"Sorry it's too late even if I wanted to."

"You will find a way, or so help me god I will finish you."

He let go of Hardman and the older man fell back into his chair, his breathing rapid and his face ashen. "I see you're still under the illusion that those people you work with are substitute for a real family. Would you defend your mother's honour so valiantly?"

Harvey came at him again and Hardman wheeled back in his chair, hitting the bookshelves behind him. "Donna _**is**_ my family," he said before he left Hardman's office leaving his former boss to stare after him, visibly shaken by their encounter.

X X X

Harvey went straight from Hardman's office to the District Attorney's office. Daniel Hardman and Anita Gibbs in one day – he couldn't believe his luck.

It had been six months since he'd last walked the halls of the third floor of the DA's office. He felt his stomach lurch as he thought back to that time. Those encounters with Gibbs. The pain of Mike's trial. The sinking feeling when he realised Mike had cut that deal. The frantic wrestling with his own guilt. Her begging him not to turn himself in. The memories, even after a quarter of Mike's sentence was already complete, were still raw. But he didn't want those feelings to ever go away. They were what would remind him never to make such a stupid mistake again.

She was busy working at her desk when he entered her office. That same room with the public service-issued filing cabinet, cheap furnishings, limp half-dead pot-plant. Nothing had changed.

"Mr Specter, what can I help you with?" asked the woman who had played a major part in destroying the life of his friend. She didn't even bother looking up from her paperwork. "This better not be about Mike Ross."

"No, it isn't about Mike."

Anita Gibbs's eyes looked up from under her glasses quizzically. She didn't know why Harvey was here. "Care to elaborate then?"

"This is about Donna."

Gibbs's eyes narrowed as she tried to put two and two together, but still came out blank. "Miss Paulsen? Your secretary?" she asked.

"She's been subpoenaed to appear at one of your trials in a fortnight."

"I haven't subpoenaed her," said Gibbs as she sat back in her chair and removed her glasses. Her posture told him she was intrigued, yet clueless as to what this was about.

"No, Daniel Hardman the opposing council has."

"Which case?"

"Stuart Dawson. The Eagle Life Insurance fraud case."

Anita Gibbs rose from her chair and clattered open the top draw of her metal filing cabinet, flipping through file after file before pulling out a manila folder and thumbing through its contents. She pushed her glasses back onto her nose as she skim-read through the documents. "I haven't gone through this case yet."

"Things busy?" scoffed Harvey.

"You could say that," said Gibbs, ignoring his glib tone of voice. "Okay, right … I see here that the defendant reports Miss Paulsen gave him insider information about Eagle Star Insurance's takeover." She twisted her mouth and nodded as she continued to read. "News to me. Okay, I would have arranged to interview her probably later this week with this new statement. We don't have any evidence against Miss Paulsen. Mind, people who work for you really do have a thing for fraud, don't they?"

Harvey's face flushed red and he swallowed down his anger. "Donna doesn't know what any of this is about and she doesn't know anything about goddamn mergers, takeovers, stocks and shares or anything else. She's just my secretary for Christ's sake." He imagined Donna's being pissed at him if she were in the room. She was far from being 'just a secretary,' but he needed Gibbs to buy into the defence he was starting to form in his mind.

"Well, we'll find that out in court, won't we Mr Specter?"

Harvey paused and reflected. His usual tactics of bulldozing someone through threat of force wasn't going to work with Gibbs. He needed to play a different hand. "Look, this isn't about Donna. Daniel Hardman is hurting her to get to me."

"I find it hard to believe that someone would find it worth their while to go to these lengths to hurt _**you**_ , Mr Specter. Why would subpoenaing your secretary to give evidence in court hurt you?"

He knew she was confused. He knew it didn't sound entirely plausible. But he knew he was right. "She's more than my secretary, okay. She's my family and she's going to be the mother of my child."

Anita Gibbs almost choked on the stuffy air of her claustrophobically tiny office. "Hmm … congratulations?" she said wide-eyed before coughing and looking back to the file. She couldn't be less interested in Harvey Specter's personal life, but she was now wondering if there was a juicier story behind her straight-forward Dawson fraud case.

"What is it?" asked Harvey as he saw Anita Gibbs's expression change into a very serious frown.

"The information on Dawson was sent to us anonymously."

It was just like it had been with Mike. "You're kidding?" stated Harvey in disbelief.

"Yep. Looks like lightening really does strike twice at your firm with people connected to you."

"What does it say?"

"I can't divulge that information with you as you're not involved in this case."

"I'm Donna's attorney."

"And Donna hasn't been charged with a crime. Yet."

"What the hell are you talking about? Daniel Hardman has just told me he's going to come after her, and he will. I need to prepare her. She's six months pregnant for Christ's sake!"

Anita Gibbs's expression softened and she let out an audible sigh. She despaired of women like Donna Paulsen, allowing themselves to fall into the murky affairs of men like Harvey Specter, but she couldn't hold the woman to fault for who she fell in love with. "Okay, I'll tell you what I can, but I won't be able to tell you everything."

Harvey nodded his gratitude, surprised that this woman he didn't like or trust, appeared to be helping him. He took a seat in front of her.

Gibbs twisted her mouth and squinted at him. "I can't believe I'm doing this. You better not tell anybody! I've a goddamn reputation to keep here."

The corners of Harvey's mouth tweaked upwards ever so slightly into the faintest of smiles. "My lips are sealed."

"The e-mail we received gave specifics about Dawson's transactions. Cashflow, bank balances, investments. We wouldn't have heard anything about this if it hadn't landed in our contact database."

"How did it reach you?"

"We have an anonymous online contact form. We get tip offs that we have to investigate, sometimes they're malicious, but this particular tip off was very specific. In fact, it was so detailed we barely had to investigate the content. I questioned Mr Dawson and he made no mention of Miss Paulsen during our interview."

"What?"

"I said he didn't once mention Miss Paulsen. He plead his innocence, but he didn't implicate anybody else. We haven't brought her in for questioning because, well, this is the first time I've heard her name. I hadn't looked over the paperwork yet."

"So let me get this straight. Donna was implicated in this _**after**_ you interviewed and charged Dawson?"

"Certainly looks that way. It could be that he just wasn't telling me about her when I spoke to him. What was their relationship?"

"They were together."

"Romantically?"

"Yes, and believe me they didn't part on good terms so if she had been involved in all this he wouldn't have hesitated in passing the buck." He rubbed the back of his neck as he processed the state of the game. "No, Hardman has put him up to this."

"Fine, well I'll bear this all in mind for the trial. But, Mr Specter, I will need to speak to Miss Paulsen at some point."

"You can speak to her all you like so long as I'm there with her. No creeping around street corners trying to catch her on her own or bringing her in here without me."

"As if I'd do such a thing, Mr Specter."

"Oh we both know you'd do that and more."

Gibbs reclined in her chair again, her soft brown hair curling around her neck. "Despite what you may think of me, Mr Specter, my job is to bring people who have broken the law to justice. Work you did once upon a time before the appeal of flashy suits and fast cars took hold of you and you jumped ship to corporate. When people are guilty of a crime – like Mr Ross – then they go down. You were given a second chance because you got away with your part in the Mike Ross fraud. If Miss Paulsen is guilty then I'm afraid to say she'll be going down too."

Harvey stiffened at the unimaginable prospect of Donna going to jail.

"But there is no evidence at this point in time to suggest Miss Paulsen is guilty of anything other than an association with you. Maybe, now that you're about to become a father, you should reassess your behaviour, particularly the way you practice law."

"I make enemies the same reason you do."

Gibbs laughed. "I make enemies with those I bring to justice for committing crimes. You make enemies because of the cutthroat world you've chosen to live in. Just make sure nobody else suffers from the choices, or rather the errors in judgement, which you make."

Harvey had no comeback. Deep down he knew Gibbs was right. This was down to him and he had failed to protect the woman he loved – his family – yet again.


	20. Chapter 20 - Intent

**Sorry for the delay with this story, everyone! Life has taken over this past week! I hope you enjoy this chapter. I feel I'm getting somewhere with the direction I decided to go in, which was basically to help me write something other than cutesiness over a 9 month story period. Nothing wrong with cutesiness. I'm just not very good at it!**

 **Thanks for all of your support so far. Please please please leave me a review and let me know if you think I'm on the right track. Even if you're not enjoying it, let me know. It's always so helpful xx**

 **Peace and love x**

 **Eliza xx**

X X X

THE BEST PART OF ME

Chapter 20 - Intent

It was after lunch by Harvey finally returned to the office, his stride purposeful and his composure rattled, yet determined. "My office, now," he all but whispered to Donna as he passed her desk.

Donna stood up a little quicker than she should and groaned as the ligaments in her lower abdomen stretched with her movements and her growing baby. She followed Harvey into his office, her hand rubbing her belly as she waited for him to speak.

"Are you ok?" asked Harvey as he noticed her discomfort, his eyes wide with concern.

"Yes, I just got up too quick. I need to remember I have this in front of me now when I stand," she said, pointing to her large bump.

Harvey nodded sympathetically, but he was too preoccupied with Hardman and the Dawson case to offer much more. They both took a seat at the desk and Harvey decided to dive straight in.

"Donna, I need you to think back to eight years ago. This guy, Dawson. Did you ever … and I'm not asking if you did something intentionally … but did you ever discuss any of my cases with him?"

Donna looked down, her eyes flicking as her mind processed what Harvey was asking. "No. I've already told you. I'm sure I didn't. Harvey, what is this all about?"

Harvey sat back in his chair and observed the woman he loved. For thirteen years he had trusted her implicitly with all his secrets and with every case he ever managed. She listened to his private conversations, she anticipated and fulfilled his ever need. He knew she wouldn't betray him intentionally, but he also knew she occasionally, unwittingly crossed the line. Usually to protect him – or somebody else.

"Stuart Dawson made five million dollars buying Eagle Star stock on the night preceding their merger with Hingis Turley. That was a deal I made and he's saying you tipped him off."

"What?" Donna's eyes grew huge and her mouth fell open in shock. "Harvey, I swear … I mean … I knew nothing about this."

Harvey didn't respond. He rested one arm on the armrest of his chair, stroking his top lip with his hand as he considered her protests.

"Harvey you have to believe me," she pleaded as she searched his expression for clues as to what he was thinking. "You do believe me don't you?"

"I believe you wouldn't ever _**intend**_ to do this …"

He trailed off before continuing his sentence, but he didn't need to finish it. Donna could read him like a book. "Jesus Christ, Harvey, you think I did this, don't you?"

Harvey immediately sat up in his chair, a gigantic "oh shit" weighing heavily on his posture. "That's not what I'm saying, it's just …"

"What, Harvey? What is it 'just'?" Donna pouted and narrowed her eyes at him as her anger flared.

"Okay, it's just you do have history for doing this kind of thing, don't you?"

Donna tensed and her arms instinctively wrapped around her belly, shielding herself from the wounds brought on by his accusations. "Harvey, you have ten seconds to explain to me exactly what you mean before I walk out of that door and go back to my parents for … for indefinitely!"

Harvey swallowed hard. He was behaving as if she were a client and he didn't know how to get the job done without calling her out in the same way he would anybody he was tasked with defending. "All I mean is that in the past you've done things … _**unintentionally**_ that have gotten us in some shit and I need to know if this could be another one of those times?"

Donna was stunned. "No Harvey, this isn't one of those times when your stupid secretary does something stupid and you have to bail her out. Yes, I know I nearly went to jail for fraud but that was a mistake. You committed fraud on purpose and all of us paid the price for it, so don't you dare lecture me on anything I've done in the past!"

Now it was Harvey's turn to get angry. "You'd bring that up? You'd bring that up now? Jesus Christ, Donna, I need an answer so I can get us out of this!"

"You mean so you can get me out of this." He didn't have to tell her 'me' and 'us' were the same thing this time. She could intuit that and much more from his worried expression. She sucked in a deep breath of air and allowed her anger to dissipate. "I'm sorry."

Harvey looked at her and his heart melted. He had always found it hard to stay angry with her, but now that she had become his entire world, it was impossible. "I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have accused you …"

"No you shouldn't."

"Can we get back to this case now?"

"We can, but Harvey, I swear I don't know anything about this and I haven't seen Stuart for eight years."

"How did things end with him?"

"He was the guy who told me to choose between him and work, remember?"

"Him and work. Or him and me?"

"Him and you. You know this."

"But, I never met him."

"Yeah you did. You met him once."

Harvey frowned. "I did?"

Donna sighed and shook her head. "Jesus, you're an idiot. Do you not remember that party when we were celebrating the Osbourne win?"

Harvey searched his memory. "There was drinks here, in the office that night? The night Paul Porter got pissed on Norma's passion fruit daiquiris and almost knocked himself out by trying to walk through my office wall?"

"Yep. And?"

"… oh, shit that guy?" The penny dropped.

"Yeah, the guy you arm-wrestled for fifty dollars. You were such a dick."

"He was a wuss. I took him in less than ten seconds."

"He didn't forget. He hated you."

"Why the hell was he even at our office party?"

"We'd been due to go out, but I cancelled because of the Osbourne thing. He was crazy angry about it, so he showed up saying he'd come to see what all the fuss was about."

"You were a shit girlfriend, Donna."

"What? I'll have you know I was very … erm … thoughtful …" her sentence trailed off as she laughed at his remark. "Okay you got me. I was shit … but that's only because he …"

"He wasn't me?" interrupted Harvey, with an arrogant smirk.

Donna laughed but then her face changed as the realisation hit her. "Yes. Because he wasn't you."

They shared a moment in silence. Donna was now able to talk freely about the love she'd kept secret from him and herself for the past thirteen years. It was now okay to say out loud, 'Yes, my boyfriend left me because I'm in love with Harvey Specter'. It felt good to say it.

"How did you break-up?"

"A couple of days after the Osbourne party he asked me if I was in love with you. I denied it. He said some horrible things. He ordered me to find another job. I told him to fuck off. He told me to fuck off. He … erm … well that was it."

Harvey squinted. She was keeping something from him. "No it isn't. What are you not telling me?"

"It's … uhm … it's nothing."

He cocked his head and shot her a glare. "Donna …?"

"We fought."

"You … fought?" Harvey gulped as he imagined the worst. "Did he hurt you?"

"Well, not exactly. He kind of shoved me a little bit, so I … uhm … hit him."

" _ **You**_ hit _**him**_?"

Donna twisted her mouth in 'not-quite' shame. "I gave him a bloodied nose."

Harvey couldn't hide his amusement. "You didn't."

"I did."

"Shit, you're brutal."

"It wasn't funny Harvey. Well, it wasn't funny at the time."

"Okay, I'm sorry, so that was the last time you saw him. With a bust-up nose?"

Donna nodded. "Harvey, tell me what his story is. What is he saying I did?"

"Hardman is representing him and Anita Gibbs is prosecuting. I've visited both of them."

"Anita Gibbs. Shit. That's not good."

Harvey dismissed her worry with a wave of his hand. "I'm not worried about her as much as Hardman. He was a devious rat as usual this morning and I can't help thinking this is all down to him. He's clearly enjoying this. He says he never knew Dawson back when Eagle Star were his largest client. What was his job?"

"He was just a broker. Didn't earn very much."

"He earned enough to buy a shitload of stock on the eve of a merger that made him millions. He's been living the high life ever since."

Donna squinted her eyes at the revelation. "What? No way was Stuart making that kind of money. He made less than me."

"You're the best-paid legal secretary in the city, Donna."

"True, but I don't earn enough to buy million dollars worth of stock."

"He didn't have family. He didn't inherit?"

"Not that I know of. Unless he was really stingy. He rented a one bed apartment in the Bronx. It wasn't that great."

"Well he now has a penthouse to rival mine and he spends his days blogging and shopping."

Donna grimaced. "Sounds like he's morphed into a woman."

"From what I remember about that arm wrestle I think he was already half-way there."

They both laughed but the seriousness of the situation still unsettled Harvey's stomach. This was the kind of skirmish he'd gotten out of a million times previously, but things were always different when Donna was concerned. And because of the baby there was more at stake. He couldn't allow Donna to worry about this.

"Gibbs told me she interviewed Dawson and he didn't mention you. Not once. She didn't know what I was talking about when I told her you'd been subpoenaed. All of this happened after Hardman got involved."

"You mean this is Hardman coming after you again?"

Harvey's face fell with guilt. "I think so. I'm sorry Donna. I'm sorry if this is down to me."

Donna smiled tenderly at him. "Sounds to me like it's down to Hardman."

"I know, but I do this don't I? I make enemies."

Donna sighed. "Harvey, you can't blame yourself for anything to do with Daniel Hardman. That man has gotten away with murder over the years. So what happens next?"

"Gibbs says she'll need to speak to you at some point. She said the DA's office received an anonymous tip about Dawson, which they investigated and uncovered the Eagle Star deal. She hadn't looked at the discovery yet and she wasn't convinced by it. I trust that woman as far as I could throw her, but I believe she didn't know you'd been implicated. She was suspicious. She wants to know why Dawson's changed his story. Somebody must have put him up to it. Somebody with the ability to manipulate people and somebody who hates … well who hates me."

"That narrows it down to a few thousand … shit …"

"What?" Harvey froze as Donna's train of thought carried her back to her visit to Danbury prison several weeks ago. "What is it, tell me?"

"Okay, this could be nothing, but … well time before last that I visited Mike, Charles Forstman was in the same visitor's hall. We talked about him. Mike said he was looking out for him. Did you … ?"

"No. I mean I knew Forstman was in Danbury too. Mike's said he's seen him around a few times. He hasn't said anything else. Why didn't you tell me?"

"There isn't really much to tell. And I forgot. I caught Forstman's eye a couple of times while I was visiting Mike. He was with a business visitor. He smiled at me. He knew who I was. Then, after they were all called back after visiting time ended, he came over to me and said something along the lines of 'send Harvey my congratulations'."

"Congratulations? You mean the baby?"

"I just assumed he was being snide. You know, how people have always been about us. I figured he didn't know you were the baby's father but was insinuating you were to get a rise from me. I just laughed it off."

"What if he overheard Mike? Or me when I've visited? Dozens of people in there know who I am. He could have learned it from anybody sitting next to us. Jesus, I've been in there showing Mike the baby's first scan picture, telling him about us being together now. Anybody could have overheard and passed that on to Forstman. Jesus Christ, how have I been so stupid?"

"So what, Harvey? So we're together and having a baby? That's just what everyone else in the world does. Daniel Hardman could easily have learned about us from anybody in the city. It's been hot topic of conversation in the legal world for quite a while now."

"It has?" Harvey didn't understand gossip.

"Sure it has. Do you know nothing? I'm the girl who finally pinned down Harvey Specter. Women hate me. Men are impressed that I tamed you."

Harvey shook his head and held up his hands in mock surrender. "Okay, I don't think I want to hear anymore. And who says you've tamed me?"

Donna motioned to her baby bump. "She does," she said with a chuckle.

Harvey pouted again. He couldn't argue with that. "I'm going to see if there's anything out there linking Forstman to Dawson. Is Rachel around?"

"Uhm … I think she's at school, but she gets back in an hour or two."

"Right, tell her to get in here when she gets back, will you?"

"Yeah," said Donna as she rose from the chair – slowly this time – and moved to leave the office.

"And Donna … ?" said Harvey.

Donna spun around on her heel. "Yes, Harvey?"

"Don't worry about this. It's nothing. I'm going to fix it."

"I know you are, Harvey," she said with a smile.

X X X

It was 9.30pm by Harvey arrived home that evening. He'd sent Donna home earlier because he was being careful not to overwork her. She usually worked the same ridiculously long hours as he did, but that simply wasn't possible anymore. He dreaded her maternity leave. Six months with a temp. How the hell would he survive? Maybe he could poach Gretchen from Louis.

He thought she wasn't home at first. He couldn't remember her saying she'd go back to her apartment on the 5th floor. He just assumed she'd be at his place – soon to become 'their' place. He threw his keys down on the hall table and emptied his pocket contents before removing his jacket and tie. He was starving. He went straight to the drawer in his kitchen which contained his collection of take-out menus.

As he thumbed through the pile of fliers hunting for the pizza place on the corner of 10th that he liked, he heard soft cries coming from the bedroom. His heart sank immediately as he scrambled around the kitchen units to get to her, nearly falling over his armchair and going his length in the process.

Donna was sitting on the edge of the bed which was littered with dozens of pairs of shoes. He scattered them to the floor as he enveloped her in his arms, petrified that something bad had happened. "Donna, what is it? What's wrong? Is it the baby?"

He felt her shake her head as she nuzzled in close to him.

"Then what? Is it the thing with Hardman, because I've told you not to worry about that? Really it's nothing."

She shook her head again and sniffed. "It's my shoes."

"Your … _**shoes**_?"

"They don't fit me."

Harvey didn't understand. What was this madness with women and shoes? "Well, you can buy a different size, can't you?"

"You don't understand. None of my shoes fit me. Look at my feet."

Harvey looked down at Donna's feet which were red and swollen. "How did that happen?" he asked as he turned her around and placed her feet on his knee, softly massaging them.

"I don't know. They're like balloons. My shoes have been tighter for days now. Dr. Walker said it's normal when you're pregnant, but she doesn't understand how much I need my shoes. What am I going to do?"

"Wear flats?"

Obviously that was the wrong thing to say as Donna's sobs got louder and more strenuous. "I'd rather die. I can't be Donna without my shoes."

"Well pregnant Donna is going to have to wear different shoes for the next couple of months. It isn't long. Come on, surely it isn't that bad."

Donna sniffed and removed her feet from Harvey's lap. "You don't understand," she sobbed again. "Imagine you couldn't wear … uhm … gel in your hair for three months."

"I wouldn't care."

"You would."

"I wouldn't and what the hell scenario would mean I couldn't wear hair gel?"

"I don't know. Maybe hundreds of ugly, puss-filled boils spread all over your head and you can't use anything that would irritate them."

"That wouldn't be much fun for me," said Harvey, grimacing, before starting to laugh.

"It isn't funny. My entire body has gone to shit. My feet look like dumplings. My fingers have been replaced by ten fat hotdogs. I can't wear any of my rings. And to top it all off, I have a stretchmark."

"You have _**a**_ stretchmark, as in just one?"

A look of horror spread over Donna's face. "Are you saying I have more than one?"

"No, no, I mean … I don't think one stretchmark is anything to worry about?"

"How would you know? You don't understand …"

"I know your tits look great."

"They've always been great."

Harvey laughed because he knew she'd see the funny side of this conversation once the shoe-trauma was behind her. He stood up and softly placed his hand on her forearms. "Look, I know I don't understand but all this is just temporary. Your feet and fingers will … uhm … deflate." He started to giggle but soon stopped when he registered her glare. "You're beautiful."

"I'm not beautiful."

"Yeah you are. Besides, I don't care about your feet or your fingers or your one solitary stretchmark. I'm more interested in what's happening in here," he said as he placed his hands gently on her abdomen, before kissing her cheek.

"Now I feel terrible."

"Don't feel terrible. I'm sure it's normal for pregnant women to go a bit … uhm … crazy."

She batted his arm. "I'm not crazy."

He pulled her back into an embrace and kissed her again. "You're a little bit crazy."

She smiled as she felt his arms around her, protecting her, and she allowed herself to breathe in their happiness. All of this was happening. She and Harvey were together. Then her stomach flipped as the day's events came back to her. "Did Rachel find anything out?"

Harvey sighed as he sat down on the bed, pulling Donna down next to him. His arms were still holding her tight as he began to talk. "Stuart Dawson was remanded to Danbury after his arrest. Just for a few days before he was bailed. All of his assets were frozen and they remain frozen."

"So, he met Forstman?"

"Or Mike."

"Mike wouldn't? I mean …"

"Yeah, yeah, I know. But there's a chance he spoke to someone and talked about us without realising. Rachel's going to visit him first thing tomorrow to see if he can come up with anything."

"Okay. So, who bailed him?"

"A guy called Neil Whittaker. We haven't found any connection between him and Dawson yet. Other than the bail. He isn't an attorney."

"And the money?"

Harvey sighed, remembering how he felt when Rachel gave him the news earlier. "There was a deposit in his own personal account for a hundred thousand dollars. The exact sum he invested in Eagle Star stock. It was a fake online account set up in the Caymans, with a Caymans address. It was set up in your name."

Donna froze at Harvey' words, her entire body beginning to tremble with fear. "What? How?"

"Don't worry. It's a fake account."

"Harvey, don't tell me not to worry. An account in my name? Why?"

"Anybody can set up an account like that. It means nothing."

"When was it set up?"

"A week before he bought the stock. Then the account was closed a few months later."

"Who do you think did it?"

"This has Forstman's name all over it. He does this. He has all of these little back-up schemes around every corner, waiting to use them whenever he wants. I'm going to goddamn screw him into the ground if this is down to him."

"But it doesn't make sense. If Forstman gave him the money to implicate you sometime down the line, then why use my name and not yours?"

"I've no idea but I'm going to goddamn find out."


	21. Chapter 21 - Congratulations

**Sorry for the delay, guys! I'm writing two stories at once but I promise I'll NEVER abandon either of them. Thanks to all followers for following. So happy so many people are enjoying my fics! More reviews would make me even happier btw.! Haha!**

THE BEST PART OF ME

Chapter 21 – Congratulations

"Mr Specter, Miss Paulsen, thank you for coming down. Please take a seat."

Anita Gibbs ushered them forward and they were met by the familiar dark blue-grey painted walls of the DA's office meeting room. It was the same room Donna had been placed in when Mike was being investigated. Donna remembered how this woman had used her father to try to make her turn on Harvey and she still hated her for it. She didn't trust her for one second.

Donna took a seat, with Harvey next to her as Gibbs sat across the table from them. Her gaze settled on Donna's belly and she rolled her eyes. Donna knew what she was thinking. She remembered back to Gibbs' interrogation from a seven months ago 'maybe he's even more than your boss'. Donna felt Gibbs look at her as if she were cheap, but then she'd never be able to understand her and Harvey's relationship. All she saw was a woman who'd let her boss knock her up. Donna felt sad as she wondered if that's what most people saw when they looked at her.

"Okay, so I've reviewed the evidence but forward by Mr Dawson's defence team and I've got to level with you both. It doesn't look good."

Harvey clenched his jaw. "We know," he said as he leaned forward and rested his hands on the table in front of him. "But we also know that this is all down to Charles Forstman."

Gibbs' eyes almost popped out of her head. "Charles Forstman? I helped put him away."

"Then you know his history with me."

Gibbs sat back in her chair, clicking a pen against the table as she thought some more. "Well, Mr Specter, I must say this is all getting very interesting. Are you saying Charles Forstman is behind all of this? Why?"

"He's using Donna to hurt me. He knows we're together and we're going to have a baby. He hates me and he's been looking for a way to destroy me ever since I got him sent down. He saw Donna at Danbury when she went to visit Mike."

Gibbs turned to Donna. "Did he speak to you?"

"Yes, he said 'send Harvey my congratulations'."

"Okay, so let me see if I'm following this correctly. Charles Forstman's a wealthy guy. You're saying he was behind Dawson buying stock in Eagle Star? How would he know the ins and outs of the client's merger?"

"I don't know for sure," said Harvey. "Eagle Star wasn't directly my client. I didn't sign them. They were always Daniel Hardman's and I landed them when Hardman left the firm. Now, Hardman is acting for Dawson and he has connections with Forstman too. Both of them got together to blackmail one of our partners a few months back. Jack Soloff is his name. He doesn't work for us anymore."

"Nobody works for you anymore," mutters Gibbs under her breath. Harvey purses his lips into a pout until she flaps her hands dismissively in an apology everyone knows she doesn't mean.

"Okay, lets say I'm running with you on this for now," says Gibbs as she flips through some paperwork on the table in front of her. "Miss Paulsen, I can see money was transferred to Dawson from an account set up in your name."

"A fake account," interrupts Harvey as he passes her the paperwork they'd collected on the Cayman Islands bank account. Gibbs takes the file and asks if she can keep it. Harvey says yes.

"I guess you'd have to be pretty stupid to set up a fake account in your own name," says Gibbs as she thumbs through the papers, skim-reading them.

"Plus, I don't have that kind of money in the first place," says Donna. "Plus, if I was in on this with him, then where is my share of the five million bucks?"

"Yes, I get that," says Gibbs. "And you dated this guy, what? Eight years ago?"

"Yes and he wasn't happy when we broke up. He made me choose between work and him. I chose work."

Anita peered over the top of her glasses, pointing her finger in Harvey's direction. "You mean you chose him?"

Donna nodded.

"Okay but there's one huge thing that doesn't make sense here. Supposing I buy that this is Forstman and Hardman coming after you and that either one or both of them was responsible for the deal in the first place. How did they know Dawson? How did they connect the dots from Dawson to you to Harvey Specter? Those dots are very far apart and I can't see how they joined up eight years ago."

"I didn't do this," says Donna, starting to worry that Gibbs was going to place her under the spotlight.

"I'm not saying you did. I'm just trying to understand how they pre-knew eight years ago that they'd have this to implicate you in order to get to him somewhere down the line?"

Harvey shifts awkwardly in his chair. This was something he'd been wondering about himself. "This is what they do. They plot and they have back-up plots and back-ups for the back-ups. They probably have another dozen things to come after us for if this fails. Hardman has used Donna before. He planted a fake memo a few years ago which implicated me in a cover-up, but he used Donna's name and she ended up getting fired. I think this is the same as that. Look, Donna and I have worked together for twelve years. Everyone knows we're a rock solid team. That account was fake and I think Hardman set it up knowing he'd be able to implicate me or her if he needed to at some point."

"Yet Dawson kept the money."

"Five million bucks is small change to Forstman," says Harvey.

"And Daniel Hardman has this kind of money too? He could have set the deal up."

"Yes he could."

"Right, okay well I think this will all do for now. I will need to look into things further, but you're not under suspicion Miss Paulsen. Thank you for co-operating."

Donna nods and picks up her bag to leave.

They walk to the door. "Oh and congratulations, I guess."

Harvey and Donna both swing around in astonishment, Harvey's eyes almost popping out of his head.

"What?" says Gibbs.

"Erm … nothing," says Harvey.

"Thank you," says Donna.

They're both shell-shocked as they walk out of the DA's office. "Did she really just say that?" says Harvey in a hushed tone.

Donna laughs. "Yeah. That unsettled me a bit."

"I feel like I just got a Christmas card off Cruella de Vil."

X X X

Back at the office, Donna and Harvey bump into Jessica at the elevators.

"How'd it go?" asks Jessica as she walks the hallway alongside them.

Harvey knots his brow into a frown. "Fine. Strange."

"Really?" asks Jessica. "How so?"

"Well Donna isn't under suspicion. She listened to us, accepted what we told her, then she offered us her congratulations."

"Ugh, that is weird," said Jessica. Donna giggles. Jessica stops dead in her tracks and looks at her, narrowing her eyes. "There's something different about you."

"Erm … I'm pregnant?" offers Donna.

"No it isn't that. It's … your shorter … oh my God, no."

Donna's face drops as she looks to her feet. "Yes. I'm wearing flats."

Jessica looks as though Donna has just told her she has a terminal disease. "I'm so sorry."

Harvey can't believe what he's hearing. "Jessica why the hell did you have to mention her damn shoes. She's been crying about them for a week."

"I have not!"

"Yeah you have. They're just freaking shoes for Christ's sake!" He walks off to his office leaving Jessica and Donna to shake their heads in disbelief.

"You'd have to be a complete idiot to not understand what it means to have to wear flats," says Jessica sympathetically.

"And he is an idiot," says Donna.

Jessica agrees. "He's such a goddamn idiot."

X X X

The date of Dawson's trial eventually arrives after Gibbs postpones it for a month to investigate all of the new evidence Harvey and the PSL team digs up to exonerate Donna.

Over the last five weeks, Donna has moved in with Harvey, selling both her apartment and the one he had purchased in the same building as his condo. There's been rumblings about buying a new place together, but Harvey is resisting. He's not ready to give up his bachelor pad yet. Donna doesn't press him. She knows it's going to take him a while to come to terms with all the changes that have happened in his life. She also knows that all the baby paraphernalia that is on the horizon will alter his man-pad to such an extent that he'll probably be the one who makes the decision to quit and up-sticks to the suburbs.

"How are you feeling about the trial today?"

Donna swallows and tries to fake a smile. "I'm sure it'll be fine."

They're finishing their breakfast and Harvey tops up his coffee mug. Donna groans. She still can't stomach caffeine and the smell makes her stomach churn.

"Sorry."

"What for?"

"The coffee."

Donna smiles, "that's okay. I'm sure I'll be back on the caffeine soon enough."

"In just two months," says Harvey. "Shit. Two months. I'm going to be a dad in two months."

"You've just realised?" laughs Donna.

Harvey grins. "I've just realised it's two months. I don't feel ready."

"Neither do I."

"Do you think we can do it?"

Donna gulps and looks flustered. "No idea. But I know I've never been more terrified about anything in my entire life before."

Harvey sits back in his chair and smiles broadly at her, his eyes sparkle as he looks at the woman he loves. The woman who now – astonishingly – belongs to him. "I'm scared shitless one minute yet I'm losing my mind with excitement the next. Is that how you're feeling?"

"That's exactly how I'm feeling."

"It's mad how we got here isn't it?"

"Yep."

"It's insane I haven't fucked up yet, isn't it?"

Donna's eyes grew wide and she grinned at him. "Totally."

"So you're saying I'm doing well in the .. erm … boyfriend department?"

Donna stood up and walked towards Harvey, standing between his knees and wrapping her arms around his neck. "I guess I could say that." She leans in for a kiss, ignoring the taste of coffee on his tongue. "But there's always room for improvement."

Harvey pulls away, squinting at her. "In what way?"

"You need to clear out your guy den. We need the spare room."

"Okay," groans Harvey. It wasn't as if she hadn't been asking him for weeks. "If I do that, would it make me a perfect boyfriend?"

"Hmm … no, I think if you do this …" Donna straddles him and loosens the belt on his trousers as she kisses him again. "… then this would make you a perfect boyfriend."

X X X

They're not needed in court until day Two. Harvey had popped in to check out what was happening yesterday and he reported back that Gibbs had Dawson and Hardman on the run. He had locked eyes with Dawson a couple of times. He'd let him know that whatever happened with his trial, the matter wouldn't be over between them. Dawson looked sheepish.

They had been sitting outside the courtroom waiting for Anita Gibbs to call Donna to the stand for the past hour. The wooden bench was uncomfortable for Harvey, never mind Donna, who at almost 33 weeks pregnant was having regular back pain.

"You okay?"

"It's my back." She tried to stretch out, but winced as she straightened up. Harvey's hand shot to her back and he started to rub it.

"You shouldn't have to sit here. I should go find you a more comfortable chair."

"It's okay. I think I'd have trouble sitting for a long time on anything. We're not doing this again, you know. It's too hard."

Harvey grinned. "Whatever you say."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean whatever you say. You haven't had one baby yet. You don't know how you're going to feel until our little girl is here."

"I know I don't like being pregnant."

"I think it's cool."

"You're not fat and in pain and you weren't sick every day for two solid months. You also don't have to wear flats."

"Hey, it's not a bed of roses for me here you know. I have to sleep with you."

"What?"

"You snore."

Donna raises her eyebrows at him. "I snore?"

"Yeah, you wake me up every night and I have to roll you over."

"Remember what I was saying earlier about you being a perfect boyfriend …"

Harvey grinned. He was teasing her and he was enjoying it. "That's me!"

"No, that was Mitchell. I wonder how he's doing. I've been thinking of giving him a call."

Harvey didn't take the bait. "That's funny. I was just thinking the same about Scottie."

Donna punched his arm playfully, but winced again as the movement caused her back to jar. Harvey started rubbing again, but soon noticed Donna's face had changed. He straightened his suit and moved in closer to her, his eyes full of concern.

"What is it?" She didn't answer immediately and Harvey could see there was more wrong than just back pain. "Donna, what's the matter?" he asked again with more urgency in his voice.

"I'm wet," she said with a mixture of confusion and fear flashing across her face.

"Wet? How?"

Donna stood carefully with Harvey's help and they both panicked as they saw the bottom of her pale blue dress was damp. "Oh my god," said Donna as she gripped Harvey's arm. "I think my waters have broken."

Harvey didn't know exactly what this meant, but he could tell by Donna's reaction that it was bad and he instantly jumped to attention. "Ray's outside. We need to go. Can you walk?"

"I think so but …" Donna clutched her belly as a pain shot from her back to her stomach. "Oh my god, it's too soon Harvey. I can't do this now."

Donna was trembling with fear as Harvey took hold of her and guided her out of the courthouse. He told a guard to tell Anita Gibbs that there was an emergency and they had to leave. The guard nodded and went straight back to the courtroom.

Harvey helped Donna down the stone steps, shouting at Ray to open the car door.

Ray helped them inside then he sped off to Mount Sinai hospital.

Harvey had experienced shock, stress and anxiety so many times in his life before. His mother's affair. His father's death. Donna leaving him. Mike's trial. But as he sat in the back of his Lexus, charging through the streets of Manhattan with his baby in jeopardy he knew without any doubt that he had never felt this level of fear before in his life.

He didn't believe in god, but as he sat in the back of the car with Donna clutching his arm in pain every two minutes, he prayed. He prayed with everything he had that Donna and his daughter would be okay.


	22. Chapter 22 - Bedrest

THE BEST PART OF ME

Chapter 22 – Bedrest

Harvey sat on a hard plastic chair in the hospital waiting room. He had been given a coffee by a nurse, but he was unable to drink it because his stomach was churning with nerves. It was all he could do to stop his panic attacks returning as the tension in his chest laboured his breathing and his legs shook as he tried as hard as he could to stop the terrifying thoughts from invading his brain.

This couldn't happen to them. Not now. Not after everything.

He hated hospitals. He thought back to the number of times he'd been inside one over the past six months. There was that first night when he didn't know Donna was pregnant and he charmed his way into her room to be close to her, worried sick that she might be seriously ill. She had told him he was going to be a father the next morning. It hadn't sunk in. Shit, it still hadn't sunk in and here he was wondering if their baby was about to be born early, or if something really bad had happened. He wished he'd read more of those damn baby books. He wish he knew what all this meant.

No matter how hard he tried, he was failing … failing to stop the negative thoughts. What if their daughter didn't make it? He couldn't imagine a more unthinkable nightmare for both of them and he didn't know if they were strong enough to come out the other side. If the worst happened could he cope with his own loss? Could he put his grieving to one side to help Donna cope? His stomach sank as he realised he would likely fail at that. She'd need a better man than him to get her through something like this. He rested the back of his head against the wall and closed his eyes, willing himself to stop thinking bad thoughts. He told himself over and over again that there was no need to worry … yet. No news was good news after all, wasn't it?

The wait seemed to go on forever. Outside, in the hallway, he could see nurses and doctors ambling from room to room, mothers-to-be arriving for appointments or – in one case – in the full throes of labour. Yet, in the room next to where he was sitting there was no sign of movement. He wanted to be in there with her, but he had been told they needed to do an examination to see what was happening with the baby first. Donna had been reluctant to enter the room without him and she was terrified. He realised he'd never forget the look on her face. He had never seen her so scared.

And then the door opened.

Harvey jolted forward, his eyes frantically scrutinizing the face of the swathy-skinned, middle-aged doctor who emerged from the room.

"Mr Paulsen is it?" asked the doctor, extending his hand to Harvey.

Harvey rose to his feet immediately, taking the doctor's hand, "Harvey Specter," he said quickly, his eyes still searching the man's expression for news, his heart beating so fast it felt like it was slamming against his ribcage.

"I'm Doctor Abdul and I've been looking after your … erm … girlfriend is it?"

Harvey nodded and swallowed so hard he thought he might choke.

"We have examined Miss Paulsen thoroughly and she has lost most of her amniotic fluid. She is showing early signs of labour, but we're hoping to delay that with medication."

Harvey's brain couldn't process the words he was hearing. He didn't understand. "Is the baby going to be okay?" he asked, his voice shaking with fear. That was all he needed to know.

Dr Abdul smiled reassuringly, realising that he would have to re-clarify his patient's condition. "Let me explain," he said gently to the anxious dad-to-be. "When babies are ready to be born the membranes around the amniotic sac rupture and the sterile waters protecting them are shed. When this happens, labour usually follows shortly afterwards. Now, in your baby's case this has happened prematurely which means there is a danger your girlfriend will go into labour and your baby will be born before term."

Harvey nodded as he listened intently to the doctor's explanation. "Uhm … can you do anything?"

"Yes, we are giving Miss Paulsen medication to hopefully prevent her going into premature labour, but I must tell you that there is still a very high chance that she will deliver early. We are hoping to get her past the 34 week mark which will just be another nine days from now and we're optimistic we can achieve this. Don't worry, Mr Specter, we have a lot of healthy babies born much sooner than this and we're doing everything we can to give your baby the best chance. We are administering intravenous steroids to strengthen your baby's lungs in case she does come early and we're also treating with antibiotics to prevent infection."

Harvey was starting to feel better about the situation, but he was still very worried. Not least because he didn't feel prepared yet. He hadn't even tidied out the damned spare room! "Can I see her?" he asked.

"Yes, of course you can. We're going to have to keep her in and watch over her until the baby is born. We have to keep her on strict bedrest."

"You mean she isn't coming home?"

"I'm afraid not. But don't worry. When she does come home, your baby will be coming with her."

That last remark frightened Harvey more than he would ever dare admit. In fact, it hit him like a truck. His and Donna's lives would never be the same again. He walked into the room and saw her lying upright in a hospital bed, hooked up to a wire feeding the medication into her body. She looked frightened, but she pulled herself together when she saw him and she managed a smile.

"Hey," she said.

"Hey," Harvey mirrored. He walked over to her bedside and perched on the end of the bed. He took her hand in his and held them tight before leaning forward and kissing her tenderly on the cheek.

Donna sniffed away a tear, twitching her nose in an attempt to compose herself but Harvey could tell she was distressed.

"So, I've been chatting to the doctor. He says there's nothing to worry about. Everything is going to be fine."

Donna nodded warmly at him, but she couldn't hide the anxiety she was feeling, her eyes squinting nervously as she did her absolute best to put on a front and 'Donna' the situation. "They're saying there's a strong chance I'll go into labour within 48 hours, Harvey. If I do that's too soon … I'm scared … I …"

"Hey, don't worry. Millions of babies are born early and much sooner than 33 weeks. We're going to be fine. All three of us."

"What about the trial?"

"Screw the trial!"

"But, I've been subpoenaed I have to be there. Won't I get in trouble?"

Harvey chuckled. "No, you won't get in trouble. Of course you won't. If they need you they'll just have to postpone 'till you're ready. You have the best excuse in the book."

"I don't want to have my baby with this hanging over us."

"It's nothing. Forget about it. Donna, we have far more important things to think about than that blasted trial."

"I have to stay here. I'm not coming home. I'll probably go mad."

Harvey sighed and understood this was going to be tough for her. He'd go mad himself if he were put on bedrest for weeks. "Yeah, well I'll miss you but I'm trying to look on the bright side." She raised an eyebrow and half-frowned as he smirked. "At least I'll get a break from your snoring."

"Not funny Harvey," she said trying to be stern but the upturned corners of her mouth betrayed her.

Harvey brushed the hair from her face and looked at her as if she were the most precious thing on earth, and to him she was. "Everything is going to be fine. I promised I'd keep you safe, remember?"

She nodded as she recalled the first time he had made her that promise. That night over a year ago just after he'd fixed the hideously stupid mess she'd gotten herself into by "Donna-ing" her way into Liberty Rail and (technically) stealing official documents. 'I told you I'd never let anything happen to you, and I won't ever. So you don't ever have to feel scared like that again.' She appreciated the sentiment, but she knew that fixing this was out of Harvey's control.

"What can I get for you?"

"I'll need a bag packed. Do you think you can do that?

"Rachel could?"

"Even better," laughed Donna. "Oh shit. I didn't even get around to putting a baby bag together."

"What's a baby bag?"

"Things the baby will need. Those sleep-suit things with feet in and diapers and wipes and cotton buds … I printed a check list off that stupid pink website."

Harvey twisted his mouth in defeat. "Do you think Rachel could do that too?"

"I don't think so. I don't think she knows about baby stuff."

"Louis?"

Donna laughed and cocked an eyebrow in surprise. "You're gonna ask Louis for help?"

"Needs must. He's read all of those books for you, hasn't he…?"

Donna frowned. "He has, but I'm not sure if he'd get it right. Esther could help him, maybe. But then. You and Esther …"

"That'll be fine. She's cool. Don't worry," said Harvey although he had no idea if Esther was fine or not. It was an awkward one-night-stand he'd had with Louis's sister and he'd been regretting the can of worms that had opened ever since. "Okay, I'm going to go pack your bag and ask Louis to sort the baby stuff."

"I didn't even get my shower."

"There's a shower over there …" said Harvey pointing to the en-suite bathroom attached to the hospital room.

"No, I mean my baby shower."

"Ah," said Harvey sympathetically. "Sorry about that. Was Rachel organising that for you?"

Donna lowered her voice to a mischievous whisper. "I think Louis was."

"Wait! What?"

Donna laughed. "Hey, it has nothing to do with me. Rachel said he was really keen to do it."

"Does Louis actually sleep with women?"

Donna raised her eyebrows in mock-shock. "I don't want to think about it."

"Me neither."

They both laughed until something made them both stop. They shared a look between them that said so much, yet said nothing. Hope? Love? An appreciation of the past and a resignation that what will be 'will be'.

Harvey stood up ready to leave and go pack Donna a bag for her stay. He gave her another kiss, this time on the lips, his touch was soft yet strong as he looked into her eyes and said again. "Everything is going to be fine."

X X X

Harvey had taken less than five steps down the hallway leading from Donna's room when he saw him and it was as if somebody had flicked on a switch. His blood pressure started to rise, his heart beat furiously in his chest and something in his brain propelled him forward, grabbing hold of the man's lapels and throwing him into the wall with such force that several people in the hospital gasped in shock.

"You fucking bastard … you did this! This is all on you!"

The smaller, older man swallowed hard, his face red and sweating with alarm as Harvey eyes bore into his. "Harvey … I … let me speak," said Daniel Hardman.

A couple of hospital orderlies appeared next to them, telling Harvey that they would have to call security. It took everything Harvey had to let go of his ex-boss, raising his hands in the air to signify he wasn't going to hurt him or make a scene. "This had better be good or so help me god I'll finish you."

"I came to tell you it's all over."

"What's over? What the hell are you talking about?"

"The trial. Donna being implicated. I didn't know it would come to this and I'm washing my hands of it."

"You what?" Harvey squinted at Hardman, fighting the urge to grab hold of him again. He had always suspected he was behind this case. Had he been right all along?

"I've told Anita Gibbs what I know and I've resigned from the case. The trial has been postponed until new charges can be formulated and another investigation has taken place. Donna isn't implicated anymore and she won't be called to testify."

"Well it's a bit late for all of this now and I honestly don't give a shit about the bullshit trial. Don't tell me this is you having a Jiminy Cricket moment. Have you finally found your conscience after all these years?"

"I didn't know."

"You didn't know what?"

"I didn't know Donna was pregnant until after the trial proceedings had begun. You didn't tell me when you visited me in my office. I didn't know until I saw her and if I had known, I would never have gone ahead."

Harvey's face flamed red and beads of sweat boiled at his hairline. "Was this Forstman?"

"Yes it was."

"How did he get you to do this?"

"That doesn't matter. All …"

"The hell it doesn't matter. You'd better start talking right the hell now, and you can start from the beginning!"

Hardman sighed and composed himself, his eyes were sorrowful, but it would be a cold day in hell before Harvey let him off the hook for what he had done. "Forstman rang me from Danbury Prison the day Donna visited Mike Ross, I believe. The only thing he told me was that you two were together and the best way of making you pay for what you had done to both of us was to try to drive a wedge between you. As I said, he didn't tell me she was pregnant. I wouldn't have gone ahead if I had known that."

"Yeah, yeah I get you. You're a bastard but not a total fucking bastard, right?"

Hardman took the hit. He was too guilt-stricken to fight back in the way he was accustomed. "Forstman knew Dawson from years back. They used to work together but then they fell out. Then, eight years ago their paths crossed and they started seeing each other in a business capacity. Forstman learned from Dawson that he was dating a woman who worked with you, and we know that woman was Donna. He did get the Eagle Star buyout information via Donna, but she wasn't aware of it. Dawson used to read her phone messages and her e-mails. He even photographed documents she brought home from the office. Dawson made a fortune from the buyout, gave Forstman his cut, and then Forstman waited …"

"He waited to use this to hurt me."

"Yes."

"And you helped him by hurting her. Again. What the hell did Donna ever do to you?"

It was rare for Daniel Hardman to show any sign of remorse over his shady dealings, but this time he genuinely looked like he was sorry for what he had done. Harvey realised that this wasn't the world he wanted to occupy anymore. He could go at Hardman. He could knock him out verbally, or with his fists, but what would that solve aside from it feeling damned good? Gibbs had warned that he should rethink the way he did business and as he stood looking at this pathetic man who he had antagonised and bettered and slammed down for the last eight years, he realised enough was finally enough.

"How is she?" asked Hardman, his voice tinged with sincere regret.

Harvey paused for a moment before responding. He wasn't sure if Donna's condition was something he wanted to share with this loathsome man. "She almost went into labour, but they think they've managed to stop it. For now."

"So she'll be fine. And the baby?"

God why was he talking to Hardman of all people about this? He hadn't even spoken to their families or anybody at the firm yet. He was irritated by Hardman's intrusion into his personal life. "They're hoping she'll get to 34 weeks, but the baby will likely be born early."

"I'm sorry, Harvey, truly I am."

"Yeah, yeah. Well if you're sorry you can show me by making sure I don't ever have to look at your hideous face for the rest of my goddamn life."

Harvey stalked down the hallway and through the hospital doors without turning around.

Hardman had been lucky.


	23. Chapter 23 - Too Soon

THE BEST PART OF ME

Chapter 23 – Too Soon

"Harvey?"

After a week spent living between the office and Mount Sinai hospital, Harvey had fallen in love with the large armchair in the corner of Donna's bedroom. He'd finish work. He'd visit. He'd fall asleep. Donna forced herself not to mind. She was bored to distraction and looked forward to seeing him. Hell, she looked forward to anyone visiting her – even Louis – but she also knew how hard Harvey was working and how exhausted he was.

"Harvey!"

"Wha …. What … What is it?"

Donna watched as he slowly came round before she broke the news. "I've been having pains for the last hour, can you get someone?"

Harvey shot to his feet and collided with the bed, letting out a yelp, as he made his way to the door. He stuck his head in the hallway and shouted for the first person he could see. Thankfully it was Sara, the very friendly nurse who Donna liked, but who Harvey thought was over-sensitive. In fact, he thought she was the female version of Louis, different only because of her straight teeth, glasses and fair hair. Like Louis, Sara was plump, awkward and talked way too much.

Sara followed Harvey back into the room and came to Donna's bedside. It was 7.30pm and it had been eight days since she had been admitted to hospital.

"Are you having pains, Donna?" asked Sara as she started plugging in equipment and pulling scanners towards the bed.

Donna nodded. "Yes and I think they're regular. Are you going to stop them again?"

Sara shook her head and smiled widely, her plump cheeks ballooning under her glasses. "Not this time."

"But it's still too soon," said Harvey as he perched on the other side of Donna's bed, a frown creasing his brow.

"I'll call Dr Abdul to check, but you're 34 weeks tomorrow and it has been over a week since your waters broke now. We'd be thinking about inducing you in a day or two anyway as you run the risk of infection and complications after losing all of your amniotic fluid. So if this is it, then going into labour naturally is for the best."

Donna started to panic. She'd had a week to prepare herself, but the realisation that her baby was going to be born six weeks early was still terrifying for her. She looked at Harvey and he gave her hand a squeeze before swallowing hard. She could tell he was trying to stay strong, but she could also see he was just as scared as she was.

As Sara strapped Donna to a monitor another contraction hit. It didn't feel too uncomfortable. If she had to describe the feeling, she would liken it to an intense period cramp. It started low down in her pelvis, but spread sharply around her abdomen in a wave before rippling back to calm.

"This isn't so bad. I'm going to be able to do this!" said Donna optimistically. This is what she needed to do – look on the bright side and be brave. For herself, and for Harvey.

"How far apart have they been so far? Have you managed to time them?"

"Between six and seven minutes."

"Okay, then let's just see how things pan out. You'll need to change into something else."

"Do I have to wear one of those awful gowns?"

"You can wear anything you like. Anything you're comfortable in, but no pyjama pants. I'm just going to go call Dr Abdul and let him know what's happening."

Sara left the room and Donna laughed as Harvey stood up, took off his tie and started rolling his sleeves up. "What?" he said as he caught her giggling at him.

"Getting ready for battle?" she asked.

"Yep. And wishing I wasn't wearing a suit."

"Rachel packed you some clothes. They're in my bag."

"She didn't? Seriously? That woman is amazing. Remind me to give her a raise!"

Harvey retrieved the larger of the two bags that were placed in the corner of the bedroom and rummaged around until he found his polo shirt and jogging bottoms and then got dressed. "Now, I'm ready for battle!" he declared when he was finished.

Donna winced as another contraction took hold. This one felt a little bit stronger than the last but it soon passed and it was still more than bearable.

"Jeez, you're doing great," said Harvey as he watched her control her breathing through the pain.

"I know," she said in surprise when the contraction ended. "This is a breeze. Why do women make such a fuss? My mom said it felt like she was being torn in two when she was giving birth to me, but I'm totally doing this, aren't I? Oh my god, it's official. I am totally awesome at everything."

Harvey didn't have a clue about birthing babies. He'd blanked out everything Marcus had told him about the births of his niece and nephew. All he knew about labour was what he'd seen on TV and that could be summed up as a) it hurt a lot and b) it made women scream at their partners. Based upon the sum of this entire knowledge, he had no option but to conclude that Donna was indeed awesome.

"What do you want to wear?"

"There's a black and white striped jersey nightshirt in the bag."

Harvey found it and helped Donna get into it. She had another contraction soon after. "They're getting closer, aren't they?" he said

"Yes. They must be five minutes apart now. Shit." The realisation hit again.

Harvey felt it too. This was happening, and it was happening right now. "I'm going to be a dad by tomorrow morning," he said with an enormous grin plastered across his face.

"You certainly are."

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"For doing this. For … uhm … giving this to me."

Donna's heart melted at what was probably the sweetest thing Harvey Specter had ever said. She thought back to all those months ago when she had told him about the baby and how shocked he had been. Then she recalled everything they'd both went through afterwards. But now, that smile he gave her – the one which lit up his eyes – was back and she knew everything was going to be fine. She didn't know how she knew given she was in the process of giving birth to her baby six weeks early, but she just knew. And she was never wrong.

All of a sudden, Dr Abdul arrived. He looked cheerful and he brought an aura of positivity into the room with him. He checked the readings on the machine that Sara had hooked Donna up to. "Good, regular contractions and strong heartbeat," he declared in his rich Arabic accent. "I need to check how far you're dilated."

Donna nodded and positioned herself for the exam. Not exactly the most enjoyable thing in the world, but she knew it was necessary. As the doctor was checking her cervix, anther contraction hit, this time it was very strong and it took Donna's breath away. "Just breathe through it, you're doing great," came Dr Abdul's voice from between her legs.

Harvey could tell things were picking up pace from the expression on Donna's face. She had been coping well from the beginning, but now the pains were intensifying and he knew she was getting more and more alarmed by them. He estimated that, according to his extensive 'women in labour' knowledge, she'd be screaming at him within an hour.

Dr Abdul stood up and removed his gloves. "You're four and a half centimetres dilated," he said proudly.

"Is that all?" asked Donna.

"What does that mean?" asked Harvey at the same time.

"It means we're almost half-way there and this is good progress," said the doctor to them both. "I'm going to leave you to it now, but someone will check back every fifteen minutes or so. Why don't you move around? It tends to get things moving even faster. Here, I'll take you off the monitor for now, but I'll have to pop you back on if things slow down."

"I'm not sure I want to move around."

"It's up to you," said Dr Abdul. "Whatever makes you the most comfortable."

X X X

An hour passed and Donna's contractions were now two minutes apart. Each time the pain hit she curled up in a ball on the bed and rocked her body through it. She had no idea why she'd adopted that position, but it seemed to be working.

Harvey was growing impatient, not for the end result, but because he could see how much pain Donna was in. She was no weakling, but she was struggling now and she was getting very tired. He hoped they were almost there, but her last exam ten minutes ago had showed she was still only seven centimetres dilated – and she needed to get to ten before she was allowed to start pushing. Dr Abdul said she was still making good, fast progress and everything was going to plan.

When the next contraction came, Donna screeched and started to cry. "I can't do this anymore," she panted desperately as Harvey rubbed her back.

"You can. You're doing amazing. It won't be long now."

"No, you don't understand. It hurts. It really fucking hurts. You know what I was saying before? Remember? Two hours ago when I said it was nothing and I didn't know why people made such a fuss about it?"

"Uhm … yes."

"Well I was full of shit. That wasn't even proper labour. This is proper labour. I can't believe I thought I had a handle on it. I don't. I can't do it and I'm serious. I can't do it."

"You can do it and well … it's happening anyway."

"Why? Why did you have to do this to me?"

Harvey had forgotten about the 'woman blames man for getting her in this state' scenario. That always happened on TV too. He couldn't help but chuckle. Donna noticed and shot him a glare that would curdle milk.

"Doing this to you wasn't exactly intentional, remember?" said Harvey. Another glare. Shit and hell!

"Well you're not doing it again. Don't even think about doing this to me again. It … argh!"

Another contraction. This time Donna clung onto Harvey's arm and growled into a pillow.

"Maybe you should take something for the pain. Why don't I get Sara?"

"No … no …" Donna flopped onto her back as the pain subsided knowing she'd only have a couple of minutes before the next contraction. That feeling of impending torment was the worst part of all. Praying for relief but knowing, when it came, that it would only last a minute was, she thought, enough to send a Buddhist monk crazy.

"You don't have to suffer like this. You can get a shot of something."

"They said it would make the baby drowsy. I don't want her to be sleepy. Not when she's so early … I … OH MY GOD! Argh!"

Harvey felt redundant. He had spent seven months fighting for Donna. Fighting for his baby. Fighting for Mike and for work. But this? He didn't have a clue how to make things easier. He'd never seen anyone in so much pain in his entire life and he didn't know what to do. He was afraid of not saying the right things, but even more afraid of saying the wrong thing.

"You're doing brilliant Donna. Just breathe through it."

"I am fucking breathing, you idiot!"

"You can hit me if you want."

"What?"

"Isn't that what women do in labour. Hit their partners?"

Relief came again and Donna lay back on the stack of pillows. "I'll do worse than hit you if you don't stop saying such stupid shit."

Harvey gulped. He'd briefly considered telling her that he'd trade places in an instant if he could, but realised that would probably tip her over the edge right now.

"Can I get you anything? A drink? Cold towel?"

"No. Just shut up. Just don't say anything."

"Okay, I can do that."

Donna gripped onto the side of the bed when the next contraction came. She was red hot and her hair, pulled up into a ponytail, was damp and sticky. For some reason she had discovered that screaming was the only thing that helped now. It was an urge she'd never felt before – an almost primal urge to scream and grunt through the convulsions which were torturing her body. She didn't care one tiny little bit what she sounded like and she didn't care what she looked like. She just wanted the pain to end.

"Harvey, can you get someone!" she said frantically as the last contraction started to subside.

"Do you want meds?" Harvey hoped she did. He understood why she was trying to give birth without any help, but even if it made the baby drowsy, that would soon pass and he thought the relief the medication would give her would be worth it.

"No, just tell them I'm pushing and I can't stop."

"They said not to push."

"I know! I can't stop!" screamed Donna loud enough for Harvey to know he'd better get somebody in the room quickly. He ran to the door and found a nurse he didn't know. She said she'd get Sara, then he ran back to the room, but took a deep breath to steady his own nerves before he went back in. He could feel his blood pressure soaring and his stomach was in knots. He was excited, but he was also terrified out of his mind.

"Where are they?" asked Donna desperately as Harvey came to her side again.

"On their way. Try not to push until they get here."

Donna looked at him in that 'just shut up' way again. "How would you suggest I do that? Do you want to try?"

He raised his eyebrows comically. "Donna, you know I would if I could."

She glared at him again, but luckily for Harvey he got a reprieve as the door opened and Sara entered the room, closely followed by Dr Abdul.

"How far apart?" demanded Sara.

"Less than a minute," said Harvey just as another contraction took hold of Donna.

"Looks like action stations," said Dr Abdul as his patient screeched into her pillow again. He waited for the pain to subside before doing a quick exam. "You're over nine and a half centimetres, but as I can see your baby's head, I'd say that's as close as we're going to get."

Harvey's heart skipped a beat and his eyes grew wide in astonishment. "You … you can see her head?" he said with a gasp.

Dr Abdul grinned. "Sure can. Won't be long now. You're fine to push on your next contraction, Donna."

The next contraction came in seconds and Donna growled down into her chest as she pushed with everything she had. The pain was so strong that it helped the pushing. Donna knew that the harder she pushed, the sooner the excruciating pain would end and she's have her baby in her arms.

Sara stood at Donna's right side issuing commands as contraction after contraction bombarded her body. Harvey held her hand but felt useless. Sara was saying all the right things. Donna was doing everything she was told. He felt like a spare part.

The pain was so intense that Donna was beginning to panic. She now knew what her mother meant when she said she felt like she was getting torn in two. She was still pushing and she was managing to last for almost the entire length of the contraction, but she could feel the baby stretching her opening so wide that it felt like she was on fire. The more she pushed, the more her skin burned and she felt like she was tearing.

"On the next push I think we'll have your baby's head," called Dr Abdul. Harvey left Donna's side for a peek and what he saw almost sent him crashing through the floor. As Donna pushed again, he watched as his daughter's head slowly emerged. She was pink and flecked with white and a little streak of blood, but she was beautiful. Tears filled Harvey's eyes and he felt the world around him and everyone and everything he'd ever known fade away. He realised that nothing and nobody else mattered. He now had a real family and his life had true meaning.

"She's perfect," he sobbed as he gripped Donna's hand and waited. "She's absolutely beautiful and she's perfect."

"On the next contraction you're going to have your baby so give it everything you've got," ordered Dr Abdul.

Donna felt her body shudder and wondered if she was going into shock. She felt cold and she couldn't stop her legs from shaking. The burning pain was still there, but as she felt another contraction build tightly around her abdomen she screamed and pushed with every last ounce of strength she had.

And then, suddenly, her baby was in her arms.

Dr Abdul had brought her forward and placed her straight onto Donna's chest. The second Donna felt her and placed her hands upon her wet, wriggly and tiny little body, she cried. She looked at Harvey, but he was already gone. He sobbed freely into the sleeve of his polo shirt as he hugged Donna's arm and gazed in awe at his baby.

Donna looked down at her daughter and saw that her eyes were open and she was alert and she was breathing and she was perfect. She held her tightly, and snuggled her into her cheek as tears fell from her eyes onto her baby's wrinkly purple head. She was wet, warm and streaked with blood and gunk, but Donna didn't mind one bit. She inhaled her daughter's unfamiliar scent and hoped she would remember the sweet smell forever. In fact, she wished she could bottle it.

"Would you like to cut the cord?" asked Dr Abdul.

"Damn right I would," said Harvey with a beaming smile still fixed to his face. He took a pair of scissors handed to him by Dr Abdul and he took hold of the rubbery grey chord that was attached to his daughter on one end and to Donna on the other.

After the cord was cut, Dr Abdul gave Donna an injection in her leg to make sure the placenta was delivered quickly and in one piece, while Sara took the baby to be weighed.

"You were amazing," whispered Harvey as he kissed Donna gently on her forehead.

"I didn't feel amazing," replied Donna.

"Well you were. You were … just … completely amazing. Even when you were shouting at me."

Donna giggled. "Yeah, sorry about that."

"It's fine. Besides that's what all women are supposed to do, aren't they?"

"What?"

"You know, blame their partners for getting them in that state."

"Oh. Oh, I did blame you, didn't I?"

"Yeah, just a bit," said Harvey as he laughed.

Donna laughed too, but then she averted her gaze to the corner of the room where Sara and Dr Abdul were working away. Sara was rubbing down the baby's body while Dr Abdul was checking her over. There was something in the doctor's expression which Donna found unsettling. She knew something was wrong. "Harvey, is she okay?" she said suddenly and with so much anxiousness in her tone that Harvey, who had thought everything was fine up to now, started to worry.

Donna didn't wait for Harvey to react. "What's wrong with her?" she called over to the doctor, her voice filled with dread.

Dr Abdul spun around and placed the baby in a plastic bed before wheeling it towards the door. "I'm going to take her down to NICU. She's fine, but she's struggling to breathe on her own. She needs a little bit of help, but try not to worry. It's only because she's early."

And then they were gone.

And Donna broke down.

Harvey felt a rush of panic flood his body, but he willed himself to stay strong and he held Donna in his arms, trying his best to reassure her. Sara came over to check on Donna, insisting there was nothing to worry about and that it was very common for premature babies to need some ventilation in the early days.

"What did she weigh?" asked Donna as she wiped away her tears.

"Four pounds and seven ounces," said Sara.

"Oh, that's tiny, isn't it?"

"Yes, but we've had a lot smaller. It's a good weight for not quite 34 weeks."

Donna rubbed her eyes as she took in what Sara was telling her. "So she's going to be fine?"

"I'm sure she'll be fine."

Harvey gave Donna another tight hug as Sara got on with taking care of her. "Now, let's get you put right. How are you feeling?"

"It still feels like someone's set fire to my ass."

"Oh," said Sara with a soft chuckle at Donna's turn of phrase. "I'll have a look and see what's happening."

Harvey winced. "That's doesn't sound much fun," he whispered to Donna.

"It's not," said Donna, her brow creased into a frown.

"You have some tearing and bruising and it looks very sore down there, you poor thing," said Sara after she'd examined Donna. She put on some gloves and started searching through a box of medical implements. "Are you okay with a couple of stitches?"

"Do I have a choice?"

"Not really, but don't worry, I'll numb the area. You won't feel anything."

X X X

Harvey stayed with Donna as she was stitched, then he helped her into the bath. As they sat in the bathroom together, Donna looked down at her body and ran her hands over her stomach. The solid bump that had been there for the past months was gone, replaced by a squishy bulge that she hoped would shrink back very soon.

"I can't believe I just did that," said Donna suddenly.

"I can't believe I just watched that," mirrored Harvey.

"What was it like … for you?"

"I don't know if I can describe what I was feeling. It was just awesome. I mean, it was hard. I hated seeing you go through that much pain and I felt totally useless because I couldn't help. That's not a good feeling for me. Uselessness. I need to be able to fix things and I need to protect you, but I couldn't do anything. It was … well, it was frustrating for me. Really frustrating! But then …" He crouched down on his knees next to the bath and placed his arm around her. "It was also the most incredible thing I've ever seen. I've always thought you were an amazing woman, Donna Paulsen, but now? I will never … _**never**_ … forget how completely freaking amazing you were just now. What you did there trumps anything I'll ever do in my entire life."

Donna smiled proudly at Harvey's words. She didn't feel amazing at the time. She recalled crying and screaming and feeling like she couldn't do it, but now she realised that she _**had**_ done it. She'd given birth to a baby, and she'd done it naturally with no help from anything or anybody.

"I did make a bit of noise though, didn't I?"

"Too right you did. My ears are still ringing!"

Donna batted his arm playfully and they both laughed, but then they both stopped at the same time. It was as if their emotions were in sync. They both recognised that their baby girl wasn't with them.

"She'll be okay," said Harvey, sensing Donna's thoughts.

"Yeah, I know she will. I just miss her already. I want to hold her … and …"

"I know, I know … I want to hold her too. We will soon. Then we'll bring her home and we'll hold her all day and all night and we'll never stop holding her. I promise."

Donna nodded as she sniffed back her tears. "What do you think we should name her?"

"Anything you like. You had a list didn't you?"

"Yeah, but you didn't like most of them, remember?"

"It doesn't matter. You did all the work, so you should be the one to choose."

Donna smiled before revealing her choice. "Well, I've been thinking this over for the past week and I think I've settled on … are you ready? …"

Harvey grinned, but was a little bit worried that she'd opted for Millicent. It may have been her grandmother's name, but it sounded like an eczema cream.

"Okay, I decided to go with Avery."

Harvey felt himself beam. "That was my first choice," he said.

"I know."

"I thought you hated it."

"It grew on me."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am, but I've one other stipulation. I'm also giving her two middle names and I thought, seeing as she's going to be a fighter that we should name her after the two strongest women we know."

"You mean … not Millicent?"

Donna laughed as she remembered how well the suggestion of using her grandmother's name had gone down with Harvey. He had even stumped up his grandmother's name – Bertha – in protest. No, I was thinking more strong-fierce as opposed to strong-battle-axe," said Donna. "How do you think 'Avery Lourdes Elizabeth' sounds?"

"You mean Jessica and Rachel's middle names?"

Donna grinned. "Wow, you knew their middle names?"

"You give me no credit," said Harvey, twisting his mouth into a pout. "And, I think Lourdes and Elizabeth will definitely be names that will give our daughter something to live up to."

"With our DNA? I think she'll nail it."

X X X

 **Hi there – finally we have a baby! Sorry for the delays as I'm writing this and Thirteen Years at the same time. I enjoyed writing this chapter as I have 3 babies of my own (all under 8) and I kinda merged all three of my own birth experiences together as inspiration for baby Avery's birth.**

 **I don't think this story will be ending soon. It's proving very popular so I might keep it going a little bit longer than I originally planned. I have a few more ideas, but no more court cases! Sorry about that, lol. I bored myself in the middle a bit. I need to plan my stories a lot better!**

 **Now if everyone following my story left me a review too … that would be SUPER DUPER! And I'd definitely write lots more, Ha!**


	24. Chapter 24 - Avery Specter

**THE BEST PART OF ME**

 **Chapter 24 – Avery Specter**

After eight hours of overnight labour, Donna had settled back into her hospital room and had fallen asleep.

Harvey couldn't sleep.

His body clock said it was brunch time, his brain said he needed to work, his heart wanted to see his daughter. He sat with Donna for an hour before deciding she'd probably be sleeping for a while and it was pointless for him to sit around just watching her. He pulled the blankets up around her shoulders and kissed her lightly on her forehead. He was still in awe at what she'd done and he wanted to remember every second of his daughter's birth. This – without question – was the greatest moment of his entire life, and his two girls were easily the best part of him.

He asked a nurse to give him a call on his cell as soon as Donna woke and he made his way to the elevators. The café was on the ground floor, but as he stood waiting for an elevator to arrive, he suddenly felt an urge to check on his baby. He felt a bit strange going to see her without Donna, but he figured she'd ask about her the second she woke up anyway, so it would be a good thing if he had an update.

He walked down the corridor, following the signs to the NICU. It had only been just over two hours since his daughter was born and he didn't know what to expect from the unit she'd been taken to. He hovered in the doorway and all he could see were rows of plastic cots, walls of beeping machines and nurses dressed in pink overalls. He wondered if there was a visiting protocol, before deciding he didn't really care and he pressed the buzzer outside the door. A nurse with dark hair and round glasses opened the door with a big smile.

"Erm … hi … my daughter has just been born and I wondered if there was any news."

The nurse smiled widely and sympathetically, sensing the all-too-familiar concern of a new dad. Harvey wondered how many hundred – maybe thousands – of fathers she'd greeted with the exact same expression on their faces as he had on his.

"Baby Paulsen?" she asked.

Harvey nodded his head and resisted the urge to correct her name to 'Specter'. "How is she?"

"Why don't you come in and see for yourself?"

Harvey gulped and followed the nurse's lead. There must have been twenty babies in the room, all of them housed in incubators and all of them covered in tubes and wires. He passed a tiny red-skinned baby boy whose woollen blue hat looked to be about ten sizes too big for him. He felt guilty for the momentary relief he felt that Avery was double the size of that poor baby boy.

"Here she is," said the nurse as she ushered Harvey toward the last incubator in the room – tucked away in the far left corner.

Harvey peered into the plastic 'cage' at the tiny, sleeping baby and his heart melted and he couldn't stop tears springing from his eyes and rolling down his cheeks. How the hell had this happened to him? How did he get to this point? He hadn't planned any of this, but now that she was here and he had Donna, he had never felt more in love or more ecstatic than he did at this precise moment in time.

The baby was wearing a tiny white hat that he presumed Louis – or Esther – had included in the emergency 'baby bag' he'd had to rustle up earlier in the week. She was also wearing an enormous diaper, pink plastic tags bearing the name 'Paulsen' were fastened around her ankle and wrist, and wires were stuck to her chest with little round band aids. One of her hands was bandaged up and fastened with a clip with a wire which led to a different machine to the chest wires. He was thankful she didn't have any tubes on her face like some of the other babies. He imagined Donna would find that more than a little bit terrifying.

"How is she doing?" Harvey asked the nurse after he managed to compose himself and gather his thoughts.

"She's absolutely fine. She is struggling to breath on her own, but that's entirely to be expected for a baby born at 33 weeks and 5 days. She's sleeping and she's been very peaceful since she arrived."

"Do you know how long she's going to be in here?"

"Could be days or weeks – no way of knowing yet, but I've worked here for almost fifteen years and your baby looks like a very strong little lady. My name is Linda by the way."

"Harvey Specter," he said formally through force of habit, as he shook Linda's hand.

"I hope she isn't here long … erm … my girlfriend will want to be able to hold her."

"She can hold her while she's in here."

"She can?" Harvey was surprised. There was something so very clinical about intensive care and all of those wires and machines, he hadn't even expected he'd be able to just stroll into the room. "Can I hold her too?"

Linda smiled broadly at him. He decided she had a very kind face and that he liked her. "Of course you can. Did you not get a chance when she was born?"

"No, it was all so quick. I think Donna only held her for a minute before they took her away."

"I know that's tough," she said. "As soon as she wakes up a little, you can hold her. There's no visiting hours for parents on NICU. You and Donna can come see her anytime. Do you know how you'll be feeding her?"

"Uhm? What do you mean?"

Linda smiled again. "Breast or bottle?"

Harvey looks confused. He hadn't had this conversation with Donna yet. He twisted his mouth and made his apologies for not having a clue.

"Okay, don't worry. Baby won't need feeding straight away so as soon as your partner is ready to come down we'll see what she wants to do. I must warn you that the baby may not be strong enough to breastfeed yet, but if your partner expresses her milk we can give it to her by drip feed or directly into her tummy. If she doesn't want to breastfeed then we can start with formula straight away and show you how to make bottles up."

Harvey was still none the wiser. He couldn't imagine Donna wanting to breastfeed. Express? What the hell did that mean? And bottles need 'making'? Damn, why didn't he finish reading that stupid book he'd bought?

As he peered into the incubator, the baby stirred slightly and yawned. Harvey felt his heart melt again as he watched her little legs jerk upwards. "Why's she doing that?" he asked.

"Startle reflex. Don't worry, that's normal for all babies too."

He felt like an idiot. He cursed the book he didn't finish yet again.

"Looks like she's waking up." Linda pulled out a clipboard and took some readings from the wall of machines that were lined up behind the baby's incubator. Harvey watched her scribble away for a few moments while his daughter's eyes opened and closed. "Do you want to hold her now?"

Suddenly Harvey felt a rush of panic and inadequacy. He had an overwhelming fear that he might – somehow – break her. "Are you sure it's safe to?" he asked, his brow knotted into a frown.

Linda placed her hands gently on his arm and gave him a quizzical smile. "I've been working here fifteen years, Harvey. Trust me."

Harvey gulped and wondered if he should be doing this without Donna, but as he watched Linda gently adjust the wires and wrap the baby in a blanket, he figured it was too late for him to shit the bed and run. Linda motioned for him to sit down in a chair with sturdy wooden armrests and she passed his daughter to him, making sure she positioned him correctly.

Harvey was frozen, his eyes locked onto the tiny pink person he had helped bring into the world. Her eyes opened and she looked up at him. She had his dark eyes and he beamed with pride. She was his. He watched as she screwed her nose up and he decided she had Marcus's nose and her mouth? Well, he couldn't be sure, but he thought it was the exact same shape as his dad's. He couldn't wait to tell Donna, but then he realised she'd go bananas and tease him mercilessly for claiming their daughter 100% Specter. He wondered about something. He peaked under the baby's hat and saw her hair was light, instead of dark like his. He squinted at the few strands of hair he could see and he was sure he could see a flash of copper under the soft lights of the room. His daughter was a redhead. Of course she goddamn was!

"Does she have a name yet?" asked Linda.

"Avery. Avery Lourdes Elizabeth Specter."

"That's beautiful," said Linda as she took a marker pen and scrawled "AVERY SPECTER" in large letters onto a sticker stuck onto the side of the incubator. Harvey smiled as he gazed between his daughter and her name. It was the first time he'd seen her name written down and it was the best looking assemblage of letters he'd ever seen. The name suited her perfectly.

He sat holding and rocking his daughter for a solid ten minutes as Linda and the other nurses got on with their work. He felt a bit silly but he found himself talking to her. He kept his voice low and he talked to her about all the things he wanted to buy for her and all the places he wanted to take her. Rocking horses, dolls houses, ballet lessons, tea parties, pony riding … trips to Disneyland, beach vacations to the Caribbean and Mexico … but then he stopped. Something clicked inside his brain and he sighed heavily as he watched his tiny daughter fall back to sleep, her whole world and happiness dependent upon him. "Forget all of that stuff," he said with a lump in his throat. "I know that's not important. I'm going to give you me. I'm going to give you time. I'm going to play with you, cuddle you, love you and I'm going to be there for you. And I'm going to be there for your mom too, because I love her. I've always loved her. You're both my family and I'm going to do everything I can to make sure you're both safe and happy."

"Is she sleeping now?"

Harvey inhaled deeply. His eyes were watery, but he didn't care. He was too happy to care about stupid things like showing 'weakness' anymore. He smiled at Avery and gave her a little kiss on the top of her head.

"Feels good, doesn't it? Becoming a dad. Is it your first time?"

"Sure is," replied Harvey.

"So how long have you two been together?"

Harvey stumbled because he wasn't sure of the correct answer. Was it thirteen years or was it six months? "Six months I guess," he said with a laugh, "but we've seen each other every day for the last thirteen years. We work together."

"Wow!" said Linda. "I guess there's a story there."

"You bet your life there is," laughed Harvey. "And I'd probably need another six months to tell you all about it."

"You guys must be soulmates."

"We certainly are."

Linda bent down to place the baby back into the incubator and Harvey stood, suddenly aware of his growling stomach. "I'll be back later," he said.

"You will and you'll be here for a few days at least," replied Linda. "Now go get yourself some lunch. Come back as soon as you're both ready."

X X X

Harvey had left the NICU with a huge grin plastered across his face and he had managed to devour a filled bagel and cup of coffee in less than five minutes. The café food was decent, but after a week of grabbing quick meals, he was growing a bit tired of the choices available.

Donna was still sleeping when he returned to her room. He'd paid for the largest room the hospital could offer, complete with a good sized en-suite bathroom, so he sat down in the armchair he'd developed a passion for and started to read through some papers he'd brought from work … and then he realised. It was 11.30am now and he hadn't called anybody to give them the news. He hadn't called work, he hadn't called his brother and he hadn't called Donna's parents. He figured Donna would want to call her parents, but would she want them to know first? He picked his cell phone out of his pocket and he noticed seven missed calls. All from the office. He realised that sealed the deal and he stepped out into the hallway to call Jessica.

X X X

The direct line to Jessica's office rang three times before she answered.

"Harvey, where the hell are you? Is everything okay?"

"Everything is absolutely awesome here," said Harvey, completely unable to contain his happiness.

"What? You mean …?"

"Yup. I'm a dad." He heard a weird squeal come through his phone. What the hell? Was that Jessica?

"I'm sorry for shrieking," she said quickly. "I'm just so goddamn excited. Congratulations! I can't believe you've got yourself a family there, Harvey. Please make sure you don't fuck it up."

Harvey grimaced. "Thanks for the vote of confidence."

"You know what I mean. So, you'd better give me time and weight …"

"7.35 a.m. Four pounds seven ounces."

"Oh, that's small, Harvey."

"Yeah, I know, but she's doing well. I mean she'll be in the NICU for a few days, but she's great. She's alert and her little arms and legs are moving around. She just needs a bit of help to breathe because her lungs weren't ready for her to be born so early."

"That's good news, Harvey. I know we've all been worried here, but she's bound to be a tough cookie. She'll have her parents … well, Donna … to thank for that."

"Again, thanks."

Jessica giggled. "Oh and her name? The most important thing. Those douchebag traders are running bets."

"They're what?"

"You don't have to say anything. I'm going to pull every trick I can think up to screw up their betting pool. Leave it with me."

"Okay, well make sure you do. I'm going to leave the important details until you can make it over. I've a feeling there's something Donna would like to tell you in person."

"Oh, that sounds intriguing … oh wait … shit, you haven't proposed have you?"

"No, nothing like that … but … why 'oh shit'? Would that be so bad?"

An awkward silence ensued. "Uhm … well, got to go. I've a meeting downtown at 12.30. Don't worry about work. I can cover for you for a few days. Is it okay to visit? I'll have to pull every trick in the book to make sure Lewis isn't there by lunch is over."

"Come down tonight. Visiting starts at six I think."

"Great, we'll be there."

X X X

Donna was stirring when he returned to the room. He went straight to her bedside and gently stroked his hand through her hair. He'd helped her wash it earlier and it still smelled of strawberry shampoo. "Hey," he said as she cleared her throat and tried to prop herself up in the bed.

"How long have I been asleep?"

"A couple of hours."

"What? Why didn't you wake me?" She looked upset and Harvey was taken aback. The thought of waking her hadn't even crossed his mind. She needed to rest after what she'd just done – and her body had been crying out for sleep.

She flung the blankets away and she climbed out of the bed. "Donna, what are you doing?"

"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm getting up."

Harvey was flummoxed. "Why?"

She looked at him as if he was mad. "Why do you think? I want to see my daughter." Her voice caught in her throat and ended in a wobble.

"I've seen her. She's fine."

Her head snapped up as she grabbed her robe from the edge of the bed and flung it around her shoulders. "You have? What … how have you seen her?"

She sat down on the edge of the bed and he sat next to her. "I didn't intend to. You were sleeping and I thought I'd go get something to eat, but … I don't know why … something just made me go to the NICU. I didn't even know if I was allowed in. I thought you'd want to know how she was doing when you woke up, so I rang the bell to ask the nurses for an update and they said I could go in and see her."

Donna searched Harvey's face expectantly. She desperately wanted to hear more.

"They let me hold her and it was perfect. And she is perfect. I mean, she is tiny Donna, but other than that … she's just beautiful."

Donna gripped onto Harvey's hands and burst into tears. "Why didn't you wake me? I want to see her. I would have wanted to see you with her. I had my camera to take photographs and I don't even have a picture of her yet … and …"

"We can go now. I'll take you down."

"I'm not dressed."

"Donna, seriously? You're in a hospital. You expect to wander around in Louboutins and a Gucci dress?"

She pouts at him. "Not exactly, I just don't feel like walking around in pyjamas."

"Don't be silly. You're a mom now, so pyjamas are fine to wear until noon at least."

She pouts again. "Okay, then at least let me brush my hair." She walks to the en-suite but stumbles slightly against the wall. "Shit, I feel like I've done five rounds in a boxing ring."

Harvey is by her side in seconds. "You've done more than that. Are you sure you can walk okay?"

"I'm more worried about sitting." She picked up her hairbrush and started running it through her hair which was bright and glossy in no time. "Bring a cushion with you."

"Why?"

"Because I've just pushed something the size of a melon through my ass. Imagine how that feels for a moment."

"I've got the cushion!"

X X X

Harvey buzzed the door of the NICU and was greeted by Linda again.

"Back already?" she asked with a grin as she opened the door to let them both enter. "And you must be Donna," said Linda.

Donna nodded quietly as she scanned the rows of incubators in the room. She gasped when she noticed the same tiny baby boy who Harvey had seen earlier, and she wondered how many babies spent their entire lives in this room and never made it home with her parents.

Linda noticed that Donna was distracted. "That's Zachary. He was born last week at only 24 weeks."

Donna gulped and Harvey instinctively put his arm around her. This place was so alien for both of them. How did Linda do this every day? There must be countless good stories, but there must also be so much unbelievable sadness to contend with.

She followed Linda to the far corner of the room where her sleeping baby lay wired up to the machines that were keeping her alive. "What are the wires for?" she asked immediately as she gazed into the incubator. Harvey wasn't surprised that was her first question. He wondered why he hadn't asked the same.

Linda gave both of them a rundown of the medical equipment that was helping their daughter to breathe, and revealed that most of the wires were there to monitor her progress. Donna listened but couldn't take her eyes off her daughter the whole time. "She's going to be fine. She's a decent weight for a preemie and she's strong. As soon as we get her lungs coping on their own, she'll be out of here and home with her mom and dad."

Donna smiled for the first time since she entered the room. "I know she'll be fine."

Harvey felt his heart melt because he knew that if Donna knew something, then it was true.

"Can I hold her? I want to hold her," asked Donna eagerly. She'd held her for seconds after her birth and she was worried she'd forget what her daughter felt like and especially what she smelled like. She loved her smell.

"Of course. I must ask you how you plan on feeding her. She hasn't needed anything yet, but she's about ready now. I asked Harvey, but he wasn't sure."

"I want to breastfeed her."

"Okay, that's great and that's just what she needs, but I have to warn you that she may not be strong enough to latch on and feed from you just yet. What we usually do in here is express and drip feed. How do you feel about that?"

"Whatever you think is best. I don't know how this works anyway. Just tell me what I need to do and I'll do it. Shall I sit here? Harvey, I need my cushion."

Linda chuckled as she watched Harvey place the cushion on the chair next to Avery's incubator. "Still a bit sore?" she asked. "It will pass. I've had five babies myself. I know what it's like."

"Five!" gasped Harvey comically. Avery's birth was stressful enough for him, never mind Donna. How on earth had Linda's husband gone through that five times?

Linda chuckled some more. "Don't worry Harvey, it gets easier. By the time you have your fifth it'll feel like shelling peas."

Harvey smirked. He decided he liked Linda even more than he did before.

Linda picked Avery out of her crib, wrapping her in the same lilac hospital blanket as she had previously. Harvey berated himself for not bringing her own blanket from the emergency baby bag with him. He vowed he would remember next time.

As soon as Linda placed Avery in Donna's arms an overwhelming sense of love and strength washed over her and it was so powerful that she started to sob. She knew she was complete. She knew … finally … that her life had real purpose. All of her dreams had come true and they were embodied in the tiny person who she was cradling in her arms and in the man who was standing next to her.

Harvey hunkered down and watched as his daughter slowly stirred in Donna's arms. "I told you she was great, didn't I?" he asked as he gripped Donna's arm, gently squeezing as she continued to sob. "And there's something very important I need to show you." He gently lifted Avery's soft cotton hat to reveal delicate wisps of light copper hair. They both started to laugh. Well Donna's laugh was more of a splutter, but the revelation that their daughter was a redhead was the icing on the cake for both of them. "Remember when you said I'd have two of you to deal with, ordering me about and getting me to do stuff I don't want to do. Well, looks like you were right."

"I'm always right."

He grinned. "You certainly are."

Avery stirred again, her little legs kicking wildly under the blanket. Instinctively, Donna started to rock and 'shush' her, but when she started to cry she whispered to Harvey that she didn't know what to do. He looked at her and shrugged. As if he'd know!

Linda stepped forward and watched as Avery squeezed her tiny hand into her mouth. "She's hungry," she said immediately.

"Oh, right. Well what should I do?"

"We're going to try to feed her," said Linda.

Harvey and Donna looked at each other with raised eyebrows. 'You'll be fine' whispered Harvey. Donna nodded but didn't look convinced.

"Are you wearing a bra?" asked Linda.

"No, just this top. Harvey told me I didn't need to get dressed. Do I need one?"

Linda laughed. "No, of course not. Just unbutton your top."

Donna did as she was asked and Linda helped guide Avery to her breast. "We need to align her nose to your nipple. As soon as she opens her mouth you need to get as much breast as you can into her mouth. Whatever you do, don't let her suck only on your nipple or you'll get very sore. The pain of a bad latch is unbearable."

The first attempt resulted in a complete fail as the baby tried to latch onto the inside of Donna's arm, but after repositioning herself in the chair slightly she tried again and this time Avery did it. Donna grinned and looked at Harvey who was watching in open mouthed awe.

"Looks like she's got it straight away," said Linda as she tucked the blanket under Avery's arm so she could get a better view to check that she was feeding correctly. "Now, you're not feeding her milk yet as it takes two to three days to come through and usually longer for preemies. What she's getting from you is the absolute best. It's called colostrum and it has everything she needs – sustenance, vitamins, antibodies – you name it. I can't believe she's managing so well when she's this small. This rarely happens, so she's doing very well indeed. I'll leave you both to it."

Donna smiled proudly as she stroked her baby's soft cheeks. The gentle pull on her breast came in a slow rhythm every few seconds and it was the best feeling in the world. She looked at Harvey who was grinning from ear to ear. "What?" she asked with a giggle.

"Just thinking how amazing you are."

She smiled back at him and tucked her finger into Avery's tiny hand. They both beamed when her tiny fingers wrapped around Donna's and held on tightly.

"She's going to be kicking ass in no time. I bet she'll be a lawyer … or an actress."

"Or the best secretary in the city?"

"Maybe," he says with a wink. "As long as she doesn't work for a jerk who's too stupid to tell her how he feels about her for twelve goddamn years. If anything like that happens I'll find that idiot and beat the shit out of him."

"So, now you can identify with my dad."

He laughed. "You're damn straight I do."


End file.
